To parents who wish to lead a quiet life I would say: Tell your children that they are very naughty — much naughtier than most children. Point to the young people of some acquaintances as models of perfection and impress your own children with a deep sense of their own inferiority . . . This is called moral influence . . . — Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh One of the moms from my son’s hockey team tells me that there’s too much “silliness” on the team, that the kids need to prepare for games with a little more seriousness. Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
Frequently Wrong But Never in Doubt
Absolute moral certitude through the ages I read today where someone called the new pope, Benedict XVI, “a tremendous intellect” because he speaks 10 languages and has written 40 books. I don’t know if that’s true, but let’s say it is. What are the 40 books about? His unquestioned acceptance of everything he’s ever been told? Read more →
The Happy Wife
Today I saw a woman driving a car with a license plate frame that read: A HAPPY WIFE IS A HAPPY LIFE How ominous is that? It’s a threat, really. Get ready to have “I’m not happy” brandished as a weapon against you for the rest of your life. You see, the wife can’t figure out how to be happy, therefore the husband must devote all of his energy and attention to figuring out how to keep her happy, solve her problems, and somehow get her through the day. And what if, as a result of this, he is not happy? Who cares!? Be very careful, young man, is what I’m saying here . . . Read more →
Sharks: Another Reason I Don’t Snorkel
Shark Bites Australian Snorkeler in Half — Associated Press This is such an inane activity — snorkeling, that is, not biting people in half — that if you find yourself engaged in it, it’s a pretty good indication that your life has already gone on way too long. Read more →
Notes from the Asylum
Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always to be blest. — Alexander Pope, Essay on Man. Epistle i. Line 95 Thus we never live, but we hope to live; and always disposing ourselves to be happy. — Blaise Pascal, Thoughts, chap. v. 2 My wife is schizophrenic. She’s mostly functional, but she’s crazy. I always feel like someday things are going to get better, even though they never do. Does that make me an optimist? Read more →
Another Cultural Phenomenon That Gives Me an Assache
Children at Play signs My neighbors just put one of those Children at Play signs in the street in front of their house. These are for parents who don’t want to be bothered with actually watching their kids to make sure that they’re not playing in the roadway. I’d like to take the damn sign and beat them over the head with it . . . Read more →
Tsunamis: Another Reason I Just Stay Home
From Reuters: PHUKET, Thailand — William Robins vowed Monday to change his life forever after the professional golfer from California and his new bride, Amanda, narrowly escaped death in the grip of a tsunami. The newlyweds were honeymooning on Phi Phi island — made famous by the film “The Beach” starring Leonardo DiCaprio — when a giant tsunami wave slammed into it Sunday. Read more →
Mister Lucky
It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. — Matthew 19:24 Is money a guarantee of happiness? Read more →
Learned Helplessness
Psychologists have found that if you put a dog in a cage and repeatedly zap him with an electrical shock, the dog will soon stop trying to avoid the shock because he realizes he’s got nowhere to go. This is called “learned helplessness.” I mention this for educational purposes, not because it sounds like life in a nutshell . . . Read more →
Clarence Thomas, Judicial Nincompoop
Clarence Thomas is back in the news . . . During a recent Meet the Press appearance, Harry Reid, the Senate minority leader, questioned Thomas’ competence as a Supreme Court justice and was subsequently accused of racism, which is pretty much guaranteed to happen if you say anything critical of a black man, woman or child. Read more →
The Potential for Fidelity
My wife is apparently a prime candidate for an extramarital affair, according to this article. She denies it, of course: “I have time for an affair?! I don’t even have time for lunch!“ Actually, I wasn’t reading the article to assess her potential for fidelity, which I already suspected was very low. I was looking for tips on how to hook up with some desperate housewives when she finally runs off with another man . . . Read more →
The Meaning of Golf
But what do I get from existence? If it is full I have only distress, if empty only boredom. How can you offer me so poor a reward for so much labor . . . — Arthur Schopenhauer Another weekend approaches, bringing leisure hours that we don’t know what to do with. As the busy work week winds to a close, we have a couple of days in which to ponder the emptiness of our lives. How dreary! How much more pleasant if we could fill up the time with other activities. Hence: Golf! Intoxication is another option. Or both at the same time! Read more →
Redefining Race
MILWAUKEE — A radio talk show host drew criticism Thursday after calling Condoleezza Rice an “Aunt Jemima” and saying she isn’t competent to be secretary of state. — Radio Host Calls Rice ‘Aunt Jemima’ The host, who is white, also called Colin Powell an “Uncle Tom.” He added that he has a long history of commitment to civil rights and support of the black community. Read more →
My Fantasy Football League Fantasy
My workplace is teeming with idiots who know more about some steroid-amped freak and how many yards he ran with a ball in his hands than they do about their own family members and whatever babysitter is raising their kids for them. Kee-rist! I wish I could go back in time and strangle them all in their cradles . . . Read more →
Start Spreading the News Blame
Some observations on the Yankees and the biggest choke in sports history. Read more →
I Love the BCA!
The Black Coaches Association (BCA) is about to issue grades to colleges and universities on their minority hiring practices: The BCA asked each of the 28 schools that had job openings during the past year to complete a form that was analyzed by an outside firm. Any school that does not complete a form receives an F. At USC, our traditional football rivalries are with UCLA and Notre Dame. Both of these schools have black head coaches and we kick their tails every year. Last year’s scores: USC 47, UCLA 22 USC 45, Notre Dame 14 More black head coaches! Fight On! Read more →
Into the Digital Abyss
The Globe and Mail reports that a “small but determined group of computer geeks [is] trying to translate open-source software into African languages, in an effort to reach the continent most isolated by the digital divide.” Read more →
The Blog of Anne Frank
. . . everything can be taken from a man except one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. — Anne Frank On this date — September 2 — in 1944, Anne Frank was among 1,019 people on the 68th and last train from Holland to Auschwitz. Anne and others hiding with her had been betrayed and captured a month before and held in the Westerbork detention center. Read more →
Wasted Time
There was a profile of Jerry Buss, the owner of the Lakers, on TV the other night . . . Buss spent very little time with his family when his kids were growing up. When he and his wife separated, they didn’t tell the kids, and it was five years before any of them noticed the difference. True story! Clearly, I have not been nearly as ruthless as I could have been at disregarding my family in my pursuit of success. Read more →
You’re as Old as You Feel
Sometimes I feel really old . . . I’m not getting any younger I’m not getting any smarter I’m not getting any healthier Sometimes I feel like 45 would be a pretty good age to die . . . Related Links “Men at Forty” by Donald Justice Read more →