I’m not wearing green today — because I’m a dog. Don’t try to pinch me or I’ll bite you.

— Lightning

This is how to say “step away from the bone”: GRRRRRRRR!

OK, enough academics! Here’s a cartoon I really like:

— Lightning

I’ve heard that dogs can count up to 4 or 5. I’ve never tried to go that high but I know I can count up to 2 because every morning my owner gives me 2 vitamin tablets and when he gives me the first one I wait for the second one and when he gives me the second one I run off and do something else.

Oh this is unexpected! He just dropped a vitamin tablet on the floor so I ate it!

Now he’s giving me the first vitamin tablet . . .

(Waiting . . . waiting . . .)

I’m getting a bad feeling about this. DON’T TELL ME THE DROPPED ONE COUNTS AGAINST MY DAILY ALLOTMENT!

— Lightning

He is a bad dog . . . a pit bull mix. Last night he attacked Kumba the Shih Tzu, who is my neighbor across the street, and Kumba’s owner.

My owner heard screaming and ran outside. The pit bull owner was holding his dog back and Kumba’s owner was down on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming. She was very scared. She held her hand up to my owner like a drowning person.

Kumba was hiding in some bushes behind a tree so my owner went in and carried him out. Then the police came and the firemen came.

Kumba had a bite on his back and one of his back legs was hurt but he’s going to be okay and his owner is going to be okay.

I told Kumba he was very brave, even though he wasn’t. But it made him feel better and there was no harm in it.

Shih Tzus aren’t fighting dogs like pit bulls and pugs . . .

— Lightning

Security fears dog online banking

— Yahoo! News

Now that’s what I call lazy reporting. If they’d bothered to interview an actual dog, they would have found out that we don’t keep our money in banks because banks are run by Wall Street fat cats and we don’t trust Wall Street fat cats. Actually, we don’t trust any kind of cats.

There may be dogs online barking but there are no dogs online banking.

— Lightning

Hero dog saves boy, 11, from cougar attack

— msnbc.com

Dogs will save your life. Cats will try to kill your children.

— Lightning

Cats do not have a word for “fetch.”

— Lightning

Cuban Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez said in a televised press conference that Obama lied during the United Nations summit in Copenhagen and is making a habit of it after less than a year in office.

“He lies all the time, deceives with demagogic words, with profound cynicism,” Rodriguez told reporters.

“In this summit there was only an imperial, arrogant Obama who doesn’t listen, who imposes positions that even threaten developing countries,” he said.

Cuba joined Venezuela, Bolivia and and Nicaragua in opposing formal U.N. adoption of the deal which they and other developing nations saw as an imposition by powerful nations.

— Reuters

I AM SO ANGRY WITH GEORGE W BUSH ALEINATING FOREIGN LEDERS AND HARMING OUT INTERNATIONAL REPUTATION WITH HIS HIGH-HANDED TACITCIS TAHT I CANT EVEN THYPE

Wait — what? Oh okay, never mind . . .

— Lightning

This morning I was visiting my friend Ty the Samoyed. He lives across the street from me. He’s rambunctious and pushy but he’s only two years old so I give him some leeway.

“I’m glad he’s still friends with Lightning,” his owner said. “He got in a fight with Bon Bon the golden retriever.”

“Who fights with golden retrievers?” my owner said. “They’re the most peaceful dogs.”

Ty told me he thought Bon Bon was up to something . . .

— Lightning

Hi everybody! Here’s a picture my owner made for me on my birthday. LOL!

My owner bought me a new kind of dog food called Wolf King. A wolf king is like an alpha pug.

“The bag says it’s for large-breed dogs,” his son said.

“Lightning is a large-breed dog,” my owner said.

“No he isn’t.”

“Except for his size, he is. He has the heart of a much larger animal.”

— Lightning

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I’m excited because this week is USC vs. Notre Dame, the greatest intersectional rivalry in college football!

I love USC because my owner went to USC. Hooray! I hate Notre Dame. Grrrrrrrrr!

Do you know what I do when Notre Dame beats USC? Neither do I because I’m only six years old.

— Lightning

Learn all the tricks you can while you’re young . . .

— Lightning

You can’t walk a puppy by just dragging him along like a pull-toy! Dogs have to be allowed to explore their surroundings! If you don’t understand that, get a f^$&ing cat!

Sorry about my language but I am suuuuuuuper irritated right now. I hope that dog gets to be a hundred pounds and drags you into a lake.

— Lightning

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

Did you know? The dominant pug enjoys key privileges and first rights to all that is desirable in the pug world.

— Lightning

I love Saturday mornings! My owner takes me to the dog park, then we drive through Starbucks and I get a Pup Cup, which is a paper cup filled with whipped cream.

— Lightning

California man suspected of murdering wife, dog arrested at Peace Arch

— Bellingham Herald

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

Here’s what I don’t understand: If a California man is suspected of killing his wife, why would they arrest a dog at the Peace Arch? It doesn’t make sense and it’s not fair to the dog.

I’m going to stop reading the news. It’s too upsetting . . .

— Lightning

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

My owner’s son has this book for his AP U.S. History class. You should read it! The title — Don’t Know Much About History — makes you think of the famous song by Sam Cooke, so right away you want to know more about it!

History is fascinating! For example, did you know that the Duke and Duchess of Windsor had ELEVEN pugs?! The Duke used to be the King of England but he had to “adbdicate” (that means quit) so he’d have enough time to walk all of his dogs.

I hope that fact is in the book!

— Lightning

Hi Everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I wanted to tell you that my new favorite writer is named Camille Paglia!

A lot of people say that dogs and other animals can’t think because thought requires language and animals don’t know any language.

Well, here is what Camille Paglia says about that:

I disagree that language is or should be our primary medium for understanding the world. . . .

Words are very important in human development, but they can never adequately explain the awesome mysteries of the universe. Dante dramatized this when Virgil, the Roman poet who is his guide through hell and purgatory, cannot accompany him to paradise. Virgil stands for reason and language, but sacred vision requires a leap into another dimension. . . .

Exactly! I wish she said what kind of dog Dante is — maybe a pug!

Expanded perception is closer to how animals are instinctively attuned to their environment. Words can record our observations, but they are merely a tool, subordinate to nature’s stubborn physicality.

I know some words like “sit” and “walk” but I don’t know “stubborn physicality.” My owner says I have it though — especially the stubborn part!

— Lightning

My owner’s wife chased me around the island in the middle of the kitchen this morning. What a fun game!

It all started when she said “Come here, Lightning” and started walking toward me. When she says “Come here, Lightning,” it almost always means I’m going to have to do something I don’t want to do, like take a bath or go to bed — probably bath in this case, because it was morning — so that’s when I started going around the island.

A couple of times she tried turning around and going the other way, like I’m supposed to keep going the same way and run right into her. Let me tell you, pugs are a little too smart for that old trick!

Finally, when she saw she couldn’t win the game, she said to my owner, who was standing there watching,”Will you hold him for me?”

“Oh sorry,” he said. “I thought you were having fun chasing him.”

“You mean you were having fun watching me chase him,” she said.

— Lightning