People who drive my car and leave the radio on full volume so the next time I start the car I get blasted out of my gourd. It’s like a goddamn bomb going off . . . Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Cars
Once Again, Age and Guile Triumph Over Youth and Talent
We’re at the gas station . . . I’m in the passenger seat while my son fills ‘er up. “This pump doesn’t have any way to lock the handle in place,” he says. “I have to stand here and hold it.” “Really?” I say. Don’t pumps always have a way to lock the handle? “Yeah, really,” he says. “I’m 100 percent sure.” I’m about to get out of the car to look things over when he says, “Don’t get out of the car.” Ignoring this admonition, I get out of the car anyway and sure enough, the pump did have a locking mechanism at one time but it’s been removed. “You owe me 10 dollars,” the boy says. “Why?” “I told you you had to hold it,” he says. “I didn’t say you didn’t. I just wanted to size up the situation.” The problem is that in the process of… Read more →
Fixing the Automotive Analogy
You have a car stuck in a ditch, so you call the mechanic, but the only tool he brings with him is a sledgehammer. And then he smashes your car to pieces and charges you $100,000 for his service. Finally, he calls you racist for complaining. — Frank J. Fleming Read more →
Twitter: 2010-10-26
RT @SarahKSilverman: I’m starting a campaign called Naps for Jesus. So basically every time I take a nap, it’ll be for Jesus. #napsforjesus # RT @eddiepepitone: Make no mistakes I tell very small children! Be perfect! Life is like a bank heist! Then I walk away crying. # RT @eddiepepitone: I always strike out at the weakest person in my prayer circle but I make up for it by bringing delicious baked goods. # RT @MrsRupertPupkin: A good way to spend the day is to repeatedly track the shipping status on recent Amazon or Zappos orders. # RT @kausmickey: Chevy: You already bought it! #betterchevyslogans # Read more →
Etiquette Tip of the Day
It’s considered poor form to borrow someone’s car and then bring it back with an empty gas tank, even if you’re members of the same family. It’s like borrowing a pen and giving it back with no ink . . . Read more →
Twitter: 2010-09-16
RT @serafinowicz: Tea = Gay Coffee # Amplifying Collaboration with Guerilla Facilitation http://t.co/ZJNXzVz # RT @eddiepepitone: This new car better be the answer to all my sorrows and regrets. # Read more →
What I’d Really Like, Dad, is to Borrow the Car Keys
My son walks into my room and says, “Dad, where are your car keys?” “Where are you going?” I ask. “Gym,” he says, and starts to walk out of the room again. “Wait a minute. Where are you going?” “To the gym.” “I got that, but you asked me a question and you’re walking out of the room before I answered it.” “I thought you could give me the answer as I was walking away.” “Well, I can’t because the keys are in my pocket.” “Oh,” he says. “See, that’s what threw me off,” I say, “is I’ve got the keys right here and you’re walking in the other direction.” “I don’t have time to stand around,” he says. “You don’t? Well, I don’t have time to figure out other people’s mystifying behavior.” Read more →
Twitter: 2010-08-05
RT @eddiepepitone: If everyone would just relax about death, love, finances and their legacy maybe we could enjoy a day or two. # RT @eddiepepitone: I have a message for all the murderers, thieves and other scum on twitter: please follow me. # Spent 15 minutes looking for my car in a parking lot before remembering I've got a loaner car today 🙁 # Read more →
Driving Tests
My kid is taking his driving test today and he wants to take it in my car, so I’m driving my wife’s car to work. Her car is more upscale than mine. It has features like Average Speed displayed on the dashboard. What I can’t figure out is why the Average Speed is always 24 MPH. It was 24 MPH when I left the house . . . I’m almost at work and it’s still 24 MPH. I wonder if there’s some way to reset that. Maybe if I press this MODE button here on the steering wheel . . . HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! Having your car radio suddenly come on full blast — which is what happened when I pressed the MODE button — is like someone jumping out of hiding and screaming at you. It’s alarming and you can’t recover from it right away. Later, when I… Read more →
Twitter: 2010-08-03
RT @robdelaney: Draw a picture of a house. Congratulations; you're an architect. I don't know what the fuss is about those assholes. # RT @eddiepepitone: signs of Alzheimer's disease- you brush your teeth with the mail. # RT @DamienFahey: Oh My God! It just hit me. I will never dunk. # RT @OnSluts: Monday Affirmation: I will get through this day without hitting a pedestrian because I'm thoughtful. # RT @daeganf: Lady Gaga afraid of having creativity stolen through her vagina. Possible concept for Inception sequel? # RT @thesulk: Chariots of Fire could also be called "Thank God, No Black Guys". # Read more →
In Other Words
President Obama: Auto industry on right road — POLITICO.com Or as President Bush used to say: Mission Accomplished! Read more →
The Car Business
Fresh Strawberries
My car smells like fresh strawberries today! And I don’t mean some phony air freshener, I mean my wife gave our boy a bowl of fresh strawberries to eat while I drove him to school this morning — and he didn’t eat them. They’re still sitting on the front seat of my car. Ahh, but the strawberries that’s . . . that’s where I had them . . . Read more →
I’m All About Safety
The woman in the car next to me was talking on a cell phone while driving. I was so incensed, I ran her off the highway. Her car flew into a barranca and exploded in a giant fireball. I’m a stickler when it comes to traffic safety. Read more →
If It’s Them or Me, It’s Me
Authorities say a motorist has driven off a cliff, plunging about 200 feet down a steep canyon near Calabasas, after swerving to avoid an animal on the road. — Driver Avoids Animal, Careens Off Calabasas Cliff – cbs2.com Ouch — was he a PETA member? I like animals. I ran over a squirrel once and I felt terrible about it but the little critter just dashed right out in front of my car. However — in the event of having to make a split-second decision between clobbering an animal and driving off a cliff, well, the animal is going to get it. On a side note, kudos to the headline writer for the alliteration: “Careens Off Calabasas Cliff.” Who says a liberal arts education isn’t good for anything? Read more →
If I Had a Toyota
If I had a Toyota, I’d drive it to work one morning, crash it right into the front lobby of the building, get out, say good morning to everyone, and blame the whole thing on a faulty accelerator, just to break up the monotony of daily living . . . Read more →
Deterrent Effect
A Columbus man has been charged with killing a teen who was out with friends throwing eggs at cars on the Hilltop three years ago. — The Columbus Dispatch In other news, Columbus police report a significant decrease in the number of people throwing eggs at cars. Read more →
Twitter: 2009-12-18
RT @capricecrane: "Twitter" was the most used word of 2009. Numbers two and three were "I'm" and "broke." # RT @Aimee_B_Loved: Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines. # RT @FakeAPStylebook: Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags. # RT @RogervonOech: Never state a problem to yourself in the same terms as it was brought to you. [More at:] http://j.mp/cthirsh # RT @HarvardBiz: Government Health Care: Like the Postal Service? http://bit.ly/4IzozI # RT @capricecrane: I don't know how your car got dented. Maybe it's God saying you shouldn't have cut me off for that parking space. Or me. # RT @diablocody: Eating a gingerbread house for breakfast. A new low. # RT @capricecrane: According to Billboard: "Nickelback: 'Band of the decade.'" That's all. Enjoy the apocalypse. # RT @TheOnion: "Why do… Read more →
Louisiana
Cash for Clunkers
Cash for Clunkers has the following elements of spectacle: Americans destroying perfectly functional cars Americans whose skills are uncompetitive in the global marketplace driving around in fancy new cars Somewhere in China and India they must be having a good laugh. — Philip Greenspun Read more →