My wife’s explaining to our boy how she managed to pass a driving test and get a license without ever taking a driving lesson: “I drove in Thailand and when I came over here I just took the test. I’m pretty charming. People like happy, smiling people. And when I was young, I was cute. The examiner just said, ‘okayokayokay.’ I hate to say it, but when you’re good looking, you get the benefit.” Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Cars
Feeling the Burn
It’s a warm early summer day here in Southern California. As I come back to the office from lunch, a colleague is setting up one of those windshield screens to keep the sun from shining into her car all afternoon. Toughen up, sweetie. I like my steering wheel to be blazing hot when I return to my vehicle. The pain reminds me I’m alive. AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Read more →
School’s Out
Today was the last day of school here in Irvine . . . “Can I get a ride to Orchard Park?” my son asks. He has friends that he meets there to play basketball. “Did you check with Mom?” I ask. “I don’t have to check with Mom,” he says. “I’m out of school now.” “So you don’t have to check with Mom?” “No. Not any more.” After he checks with his mom, I drive him over to the park. Actually, he drives to the park and I ride along. As we’re approaching a red light at Jeffrey and Trabuco, he says, “I’ll stop the car so you can’t even feel it.” This is something I showed him how to do. I’m pretty good at it, but he goes through so many slow-motion false stops and starts that by the time he’s done, the car is almost entirely in… Read more →
Shell or Chevron?
I gotta get some gas. I pull off the freeway — Shell or Chevron? They’re right next to each other. I check the price for regular — $2.93 either way. It’s a tossup. Then my son notices on a sign that the Shell gasoline is “nitrogen enriched.” “Nitrogen enriched!?” I say. “Are you kidding me?! Fuck Chevron . . . what is nitrogen, anyway?” “It’s an element.” “Yeah I know, but who can tell me why it’s a good idea to put it in gasoline? What are we, chemistry professors?” “It seeks out and destroys engine gunk.” “What? How do you know that?” “I read it on the sign.” “Oh . . . OK then, we’re going Shell!” Read more →
Learning to Drive
My son’s learning to drive . . . pulling out of a parking lot, he turns right and clips the curb a little bit. I ask him, “Did you look left to make sure no one was coming?” “I saw no one was coming.” “How did you see that if you didn’t look?” “I saw it in my peripheral vision.” “Did you also see that curb you just hit in your peripheral vision?” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-05-23
Automaker bankruptcies: A success of the market system – http://bit.ly/1BgH7 # At Wingnuts w/Casey. For wings. # At Corona rink for AAU Nationals # Read more →
Taxes Make People Nuts
One of the post offices here in Irvine is a best-kept secret . . . it’s off Culver Drive, down a side street and around a corner, basically in a residential area. It’s never busy because, unlike the post office on Sand Canyon, it’s not visible from a major street and most people don’t know it’s there. My wife emailed me at work yesterday morning to say that she went to that post office and tons of cars were lined up to get in, which reminded her that it was April 15. Not to worry though. We mailed our taxes on the 14th — to beat that last-minute rush. Twenty years or so ago, I was living in Hollywood and — on the evening of April 15 — filling up at a gas station just south of the freeway from Union Station. Beyond Union Station on Alameda St. is the… Read more →
You Had a Bad Day
Nick Adenhart pitched six scoreless innings for the Angels last night but took a no-decision as the bullpen came in and blew the lead. A few hours later, Adenhart was killed in a car smash in Fullerton by some drunken idiot who ran a red light. He was 22 years old . . . P.S. My son says Adenhart’s dad had flown out from Baltimore and saw his son pitch a great game, that Adenhart was “buzzing” in the locker room after the game, despite the loss, so maybe it wasn’t a bad day. Except for the dying part. P.P.S. The Angels postponed their game the following night, April 9. The local Angels TV station instead replayed the April 8 game — the Adenhart game. It was sad watching him walk off the field, not knowing it was the last time . . . Read more →
Microblog: 2009-04-06
Everyone in Irvine drives the same car: http://tinyurl.com/cad86w # Most valuable and underused social media strategy: http://blog.foghound.com/474/ # 5 Ways ‘Common Sense’ Lies to You Everyday: http://tinyurl.com/cdmhxa # Read more →
Everyone in Irvine Drives the Same Car
It’s a white Lexus SUV. This leads to hilarious mixups like my son approaching a line of cars after school and getting into the wrong one by mistake, and my wife and I standing in the Trader Joe’s parking lot trying to figure out why we can’t unlock “our” vehicle . . . Read more →
Tweets on 2009-03-30
Offering and accepting only rational, results-oriented behavior and communication: http://tinyurl.com/5z2rg6 # Financial collapse shows failure of free markets? http://tinyurl.com/cmoqqw # Diners can ‘have a ball’ at testicle festival: http://www.modbee.com/weird/story/645349.html # Obama to Back GM Warranties, OnStar Operator Service: http://tinyurl.com/c8k4xz # In Fargo, goodwill runs as deep as the river: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29962032 http://tinyurl.com/cw9o89 # Read more →
To Live and Die in Irvine
IRVINE – A group of solemn people sat around tables at a fast-food Chinese restaurant off Jeffrey Road on Wednesday night after a man was shot and killed while sitting in a white Lexus parked behind the eatery. — OCRegister.com At least he died in a nice car. It’s Irvine, Jake! This happened a stone’s throw from my house. Well, more than a stone’s throw but let’s say a hard 5-iron with a good bounce off Trabuco Road. I’ve been to that Chinese restaurant many times. (It’s a dine-in restaurant, not a fast-food place, despite what the Register says.) Don’t worry about me though. Irvine is still the safest city in the country. That guy must have gotten himself mixed up in some kind of trouble . . . Read more →
The Alfa Romeo Sloth
This is an Italian Alfa Romeo commercial. To look at it, you wouldn’t know it’s a car commercial because there’s no car in it, but in Italy there’s a series of these Alfa Romeo sloth commercials. The running gag is that the sloth is a lethargic, slow-moving creature — until he gets in his Alfa Romeo — but this one’s a little different, in a mesmerizing WTF kind of way . . . Read more →
Danica’s Speeding Ticket
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Danica Patrick paid a $196 fine to settle a speeding ticket after the star racecar driver was caught going 54 mph in a 35-mph zone last month. — ESPN.com Was she in a hurry to obtain oral sex? Because that would be hot . . . Read more →
Best 10-Word Explanation of Why the Big 3 Bailout Should Die
We simply cannot ask the American taxpayer to subsidize failure. — Mitch McConnell Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Diagonal Jaywalkers I don’t mind if you want to cut across the middle of the road. I do that myself. But when I do it, I take a straight line perpendicular to the street and I walk briskly, maybe even jog a little bit. I don’t take a diagonal path into oncoming traffic and refuse to speed up when I see a car coming. Why do I not do it that way, you ask? Two reasons: The person driving the car may not be paying attention and may run me over and kill me. The person driving the car may be a crazy person looking to run over anybody who gets in his way. YOU DON’T THINK SO?! There’s a lot of nuts out there! Read the news! I swear to god, some days I feel like I’m just hanging on by a thread myself. Think about that the next… Read more →
Sting Operation
What a humanitarian! And what did he do next? Set them free? Free, free, set them free . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who back into parking spaces Look, toolbox — you can either back into the spot when you arrive or back out of the spot when you leave. Backing in is harder because you’ve got less room to work with and you don’t want to bang into a neighboring vehicle. If you back out, you’re backing into open space. But the worst thing is that by backing in, you put your driver’s side door right next to my driver’s side door, so we have to wait for each other to get in and out of the cars . . . Read more →
House of Cards
My son suggests that we buy some red wheels for the SUV to match the color of the vehicle. “How much would that cost?” my wife asks. “I don’t know,” I say. “A lot of money.” “But it’d be the pimpingest pimp sauce thing you could ever do,” the boy replies. That’s what Ed McMahon’s financial adviser used to say when Ed said, “Are you kidding?! The only way I could afford that is to work till I’m 90!” Read more →
The Price of Gas
I can remember the first time I paid $20 for a tank of gas. I can remember the first time I paid $30. And $40. But I’ve recently blown through the $50, $60 and $70 barriers so fast that they don’t even seem like milestones anymore . . . Read more →