EppsNet Archive: Dogs

Lightning Got a Personalized Pup Cup

by  on 
 

When I go to Starbucks on weekends I always get a pup cup — a short cup of whipped cream — for Lightning. No one ever asks me about it . . . I just place my own order, ask for a short cup of whipped cream, they write “Paul” on both cups and serve them up. Today the Starbucks girl was puzzled. “You want a short cup of whipped cream?” she asked. “A short cup of whipped cream, right.” She still had a puzzled look on her face. Maybe she thought what I really wanted was cream. “It’s for my dog,” I said. “Your dog likes whipped cream?” “He loves it.” “What’s your dog’s name?” “Lightning.” “Lightning?” “Right. Like thunder and lightning.” So this morning, after years of eating pup cups with someone else’s name on them, Lightning got his own personalized pup cup. Read more →

A Pug Story

by  on Lightning
 

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! My owner read me a story by Isaac Babel: And Mimka arrived too, curled up on the sofa and fell asleep at once. She was a terrible sleepy-head, but a wonderful dog, good-hearted, sensible, small and pretty. Mimka was a pug-dog. Her coat was light in colour. Even in old age she never grew fat or flabby, never put on weight, but remained shapely and slender. She lived with us a long time, from birth to death, the whole of her fifteen years’ doggy life, and loved us — quite plainly, and most of all Grandmother, who was stern and without mercy to anyone. What friends they were, silent and secretive, I shall tell another time. It is a very good, touching and tender story. Actually that was only part of the story but the rest was kind of boring and I don’t really remember… Read more →

A Saddening Trip to the Vet

by  on 
 

Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made. — Edgar Allan Poe, “The Masque of the Red Death”   I’m picking up Lightning’s prescription at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk. I can hear a woman weeping loudly from back in the hospital area. “That doesn’t sound good,” I say. “A husky attacked her dog at the dog park,” Lauren says. “A little Yorkie. Broke its neck.” “That’s awful.” I don’t even have the heart to ask her if she cut the pills on the lines. Read more →

Fear of Lightning

by  on Lightning
 

Yes! Especially if you’re a dog! Ordinarily, I’m very loving but I don’t put up with a lot of nonsense! — Lightning Read more →

Don’t Try to Be Funny at the Vet

by  on 
 

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk. “It’s a little different this time,” Lauren says. “We didn’t have the Prednisone 5mg, so we’re giving you Prednisone 10mg, and instead of giving him half a tablet, you’ll give him a quarter of a tablet. I already cut them.” “Oh gosh, thanks! Did you cut them on the lines?” Lauren is new so she hasn’t heard this one yet. “To the best of my ability.” “That’s good. Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.” She’s not getting the joke but that’s okay. I’ll help her out by taking it completely into the realm of the absurd. “He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail,” I say. “I’ll make a note of that for next time.” “Yes, you should do that. Go ahead and… Read more →

I Am the Bath Day Messenger

by  on 
 

My wife is preparing to give the dog a bath in the kitchen sink . . . I say, “Lightning says be sure to warm up the water before you start spraying him with it.” “I always do that.” “He says that in his experience, the water is sometimes too cold . . . I’m just telling you what he said. Don’t shoot the messenger.” Read more →

Spa Day at the Vet and Erica’s Departure

by  on 
 

I dropped Lightning off at the vet for grooming . . . “Make it like a spa day for him,” I said. “With lots of pampering. Don’t just put him in the sink and soak him down like we do at home. Make it free pampering though, nothing that will cause extra charges to accrue. By the way, where’s Erica?” Erica is usually at the desk on weekends but today there was a new girl. The new girl, Lauren, said that Erica is moving to Arizona and won’t be working there anymore. “She will be greatly missed,” Lauren said. She sure will. People are insane when it comes to their pets and Erica was always extremely patient and attentive — extremely. I wish I had the kind of personality that makes people miss me when I go away but oh well . . . I guess I have other qualities.… Read more →

A Trip to the Vet

by  on 
 

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet. He takes 5mg/day of a steroid for his joints, half a tablet in the morning and half at night. The tablets are scored to make them easier to cut in half, but the vet staff uses a pill cutter, making cutting on the scoring actually a little more difficult because you have to line up each pill. It’s better to cut them on the scoring, because the pills are small and they can crumble if they’re cut across the scoring, but it’s more time-consuming. “Are the pills cut on the lines?” I ask the woman at the desk. “Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.” “He doesn’t like it?” she says. “He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail.” Some of the women at our vet’s office have a sense of humor and some don’t.… Read more →

Thank You for Smoking

by  on 
 

According to the American Cancer Society, smoking kills about 1 in 5 people in the United States. Is that bad? If so, why? You’ve got to die somehow. Would it be better if those people died from some other cause? How would you prefer to see them die? Also: Some percentage of Americans would rather be dead than alive anyway. I don’t know what that number is, but I’d bet it’s higher than 1 in 5. (If you Google “percentage of people who would rather be dead,” the top results all point to a 2008 survey in which 52 percent of respondents said they would rather be dead than disabled. If you change the search to “percentage of people who would rather be dead than alive,” you get a mishmash of links, including a few more links to the “dead vs. disabled” survey, but you still don’t get the number… Read more →

Lightning’s 6 Keys to Marital Bliss

by  on Lightning
 

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! What does a dog know about marriage is what you are probably asking yourself. Well, I know about lighthearted enjoyment of life and overcoming negativity, and negativity is a big problem in human relationships. That is what I see. So here are my tips: Be positive and not negative. Remove all negativity. I have done this every day now for 10 years. You should start out and try for at least 30 days in a row. Show your partner every day that you love them and appreciate them. If your partner says or does something that you don’t understand, be curious about it and not judgmental. Make your partner feel completely safe around you. Have fun together. Be a predictable source of pleasure. — Lightning Read more →

I Killed a Guy in Florida

by  on Lightning
 

Hi everybody! it’s me, Lightning! I knew I should have killed those two guys under the truck so there wouldn’t be any witnesses. HA HA! Kidding! I wasn’t even in Florida! — Lightning Read more →

Comedy Pug

by  on 
 

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I never have any leftovers when I eat but if I did, I would ask for a doggie bag. WHAAAAA–?! Thanks, I’ll be here all week! — Lightning Read more →

Animal Cruelty

by  on 
 

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I’m so mad! The guy behind us in the Starbucks drive-thru lane is taking pictures of himself and his dog but he’s not SHOWING the pictures to the dog! YOU HAVE TO SHOW THE PICTURES TO THE DOG! GRRRRRRR! — Lightning Read more →

A Lot on My Plate

by  on Lightning
 

Hi, everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I hear people say “I’ve got a lot on my plate” like it’s a bad thing. I LOVE to have a lot on my plate! We’re talking about food, right? — Lightning Read more →

Hot August Morning

by  on Lightning
 

It’s going to be another hot day! Not even 8 a.m. and I’m panting already! — Lightning Read more →

« Previous Page — Next Page »