EppsNet Movie Reviews: Slumdog Millionaire

11 Jan 2009 / PE
Slumdog Millionaire ticket stub

Good story, good music, brilliant editing and cinematography.

One of the things I don’t like about movies is that conflict, even in feel-good movies about love and destiny, is too often resolved with violence, whereas much of the dramatic tension in real life stems from the number of people you’d like to physically assault but can’t.

Rating: Four stars (out of five).


EppsNet Movie Reviews: Gran Torino

27 Dec 2008 / PE

It’s sad to see Clint Eastwood get old but somebody’s got to do it.

It seemed to me as far back as Unforgiven and In the Line of Fire that while other actors were trying to stay artificially young forever, no one else was putting on screen an honest portrayal of what it’s like to be an old man, what it’s like to feel yourself diminished.

Gran Torino ticket stub

And that was 15 years ago, when Eastwood was in his early 60s. He’s now 78 and looks it.

I was trying to think of another leading actor who’s doing roles where the central fact about the character is that he’s gotten old and tired and scared . . .

Robert De Niro? No, he’s still doing the same cops and mobsters roles he’s been doing for decades.

Al Pacino? Dustin Hoffman? No. Same roles, plus they’re both around 70 years old with absurd fake pompadours piled on top of their heads. In order to do these roles, you can’t be someone with cosmetic surgery and fake hair who has to use makeup effects to look his own age.

I once read where Michael Douglas is proud of the fact that he has taken on “challenging” roles. You want a challenge? Knock it off with the facelifts and the young wife and show people what it’s really like to get old.

They can’t even admit it to themselves, these guys.

Jack Nicholson? He looks his age, but he’s doing wacky old guy roles in Rob Reiner and Adam Sandler movies. Eccentrics. Not the same thing.

Sylvester Stallone? He’s only 60 but you can tell already that he’s not going to do it. He’s still making Rocky and Rambo movies, for god’s sake.

Rating: Four stars (out of five). I added one star for Clint Eastwood being the only man brave enough to get old in front of a camera.


My Dog Reviews Marley and Me

26 Dec 2008 / Lightning Epps
Marley and Me movie poster

I love movies about dogs! Wait — is Owen Wilson in that? I HATE Owen Wilson!

Whenever I meet a new bitch at the dog park, the first thing I ask her is “Do you think Owen Wilson is funny?”

And if she says yes, I am OUTTA there.

Rating: Two paws down.

— Lightning paw


HW’s Movie Reviews: The Dark Knight

18 Jul 2008 / Hostile Witness
Batman and Joker

It was a sickness: this great interest in a medium that relentlessly and consistently failed to produce anything at all. People became so used to seeing shit on film that they no longer realized it was shit.

— Charles Bukowski, Hollywood

Haven’t seen it. Might see it . . . not sure yet. I’ve seen the trailer though and I’ll tell you something: Heath Ledger is TERRIBLE!

That’s not acting! Put the same makeup on somebody else, give ‘em a script, let ‘em read the same lines . . . there’s a million people who could do the same thing.

You don’t think so? You don’t think Heath Ledger knew that? Why do you think he’s dead of an overdose?


Crazy Eddie’s Movie Reviews

12 Dec 2001 / Hostile Witness

Entertainment for mental patients

I was a student at Cal State Fullerton in 1976 when Ed Allaway went berserk, shooting nine of his co-workers in the university library, killing seven.

Continue reading Crazy Eddie’s Movie Reviews