EppsNet Archive: People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

9 Apr 2014 /

People who hijack the occasion of another person’s death to offer up long-winded tributes – to themselves:

“My fondest memory of the deceased is the time many years ago when he fixed me with his penetrating gaze and, in that intense manner of speaking he had that brooked no dissension, he told me how great I am. What an inspiring moment! Blah blah blah . . . me me me . . .”

Thank you, Professor Pompous.

Stuck in India - Humayun's Tomb


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

7 Apr 2014 /
Emblem of the Papacy

If you don’t know me and I don’t know you, don’t call me up and shout, “Hey Paul! It’s Zach Flack with Equity Staffing!” as though I might have been sitting by the phone thinking “Wouldn’t it be a little slice of heaven if I got a call from Zach Flack over at Equity Staffing?”

If I don’t know you, but I might recognize your name, then possibly some heightened level of emotion is warranted, e.g., “Hey Paul! It’s Bill Gates with Microsoft!” or “Hey Paul! It’s Pope Francis at the Vatican!”

Otherwise, tone it down and stop annoying people.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

30 Jan 2014 /
Eric Garcetti

Eric Garcetti

The mayor of Los Angeles, Eric Garcetti, said this the other day:

“Some of the monies that will come from that will go to other parts of the city too that connect in with that . . .”

OK, that’s out of context and it doesn’t make any sense, but — “monies”?!

“Hi, I’m Eric Garcetti. I have a dollar bill so I have a money. If you give me another dollar, I’ll have some monies.”

No. You can have a dollar or a billion dollars. One word covers all the possibilities and that word is “money.”

“Monies” is a word used by politicians and academians and other posturing pricks who’d like you to think that they’re doing the Lord’s work and not soiling their hands with anything as grubby as “money.”


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

25 Aug 2013 /

People who think it’s okay to insult members of certain groups (e.g., homophobes, people from the state of West Virginia), but not members of certain other groups (e.g., homosexuals, fat women), and particularly not members of groups that they themselves belong to.

 

People who bully others into taking offense at things that they’re “supposed to be” offended by because the bully is offended by those things.

 

People who allow themselves to be bullied into taking offense at things that they’re “supposed to be” offended by, even though it never occurred to them to be offended and they really couldn’t care less.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Alternative Medicine Advocates

8 May 2013 /
Lassa Witch Doctors

Lassa Witch Doctors

Alternative medicine is not a real thing. You don’t have a choice between medicine and alternative medicine. You have a choice between medicine and Things That Have Not Been Proven to Work.

Alternative medicine that works is called “medicine.”

Some people tell me that regular doctors don’t know about alternative medicine because they don’t teach it in medical schools.

They don’t teach it in medical schools? If I didn’t know anything about my job beyond what I learned in school 25 years ago, I’d be in bad shape. I’d be unemployable.

If there are any doctors out there who’ve never learned anything outside of medical school, those are not the doctors you want to be going to.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Diversity Flacks

10 Mar 2013 /
Jon Provost and Lassie

Jon Provost and Lassie

A new study from the American Council on Education shows that the percentages of black, Asian and Hispanic provosts have declined over the past five years.

The Chronicle of Higher Education reports this story under the headline “Falling Diversity of Provosts Signals Challenge for Presidential Pipeline, Study Finds.”

FALLING DIVERSITY! LOOK OUT BELOW!

Ha ha . . . but seriously, who even knows what a provost is? I don’t. I’ve vaguely heard of it as an academic job title but that’s about it.

I know that Jon Provost played little Timmy on the Lassie TV series. I know that Marie Prevost was a one-time Mack Sennett bathing beauty and leading lady in the 1920s whose screen glory had faded by the time she died of acute alcoholism in a small Hollywood apartment at the age of 38.

By the way, I notice that Asian students are continuing to excel, even in the absence of Asian provosts. Go figure.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

7 Mar 2013 /

I am sick unto death of recruiters with titles like Director of Talent Acquisition or Executive in Intellectual Capital Development . . .


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

17 Feb 2013 /

Recruiters who write job descriptions with requirements like this:

  • Great Communication – must be able to speak very clear

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

20 Dec 2012 /
  • Parents who let their kids grow up stupid and blame the schools
  • People who yawn or sneeze a LOT louder than necessary
  • People who use the expression “we tip our hat [or cap] to those guys,” especially if they’re wearing a hat and they don’t physically tip it

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

16 Aug 2012 /

I’m going to savagely murder the next person I hear use the word “spend” as a noun, as in “leveraging our spend.”

Spend is a verb. Spending is a noun, e.g., “leveraging our spending.” I would still have to maim you for saying “leveraging” though, so try “getting the most for our money.”

You can also avoid death by saying “How much does it cost?” instead of “What is our spend?”

You have been warned.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

28 Sep 2011 /

Anyone who uses the word “surface” to mean “put forward for consideration,” e.g., “I’d like to surface a topic.”

If you must use “surface” as a verb, I’m okay with you surfacing a driveway or surfacing a submarine, but if you’re going around surfacing topics, then you really need to leave the world immediately . . .


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

4 Sep 2011 /

People Who “Rescued” Their Dog

How did you rescue it? Run into a burning warehouse? Punch a bear in the face?

No — you got the dog at the pound because you’re too cheap to buy one.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

13 Jun 2011 /

People who say “myself” instead of “me,” as in “It’s a failure for myself losing to the Mavericks.”


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

8 May 2011 /

People who name their daughter Khloe. Or any other name starting with a K that really should start with a C. But especially Khloe.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Blue Man Group

13 Feb 2011 /
Blue Man Group

Hey fellas — mime died out with Red Skelton. It doesn’t become entertaining again because you paint your head blue.

I say to my kid, “You know what I would do if I owned the Blue Man Group concept is have multiple shows all over the world so I can make more money.”

“You can’t do that,” he says.

(It turns out they actually do do this, BTW.)

“Why not? It’s not like going to see the Beatles, where people actually care who’s in the group. It’s more like going to see Lion King. Why would there be only one Lion King show?”

“If you’re making more money, then I’d want you to pay me more money.”

“Well, that’s the beauty of my idea, Clem Kadiddlehopper, because as I said, nobody cares about you. You want more money, you can take a hike. I’ll get another guy in here and paint his head blue and nobody will know the difference.”


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

20 Sep 2010 /

Guys at the gym who blow-dry their ass . . .


Here Come the Brides

30 Aug 2010 /

We went to a wedding over the weekend, although it won’t be recognized as such by the state of California because both people involved were women.

One of the women is Asian, the other Mexican. Both are in their late 20s, both pretty, and they seem to be very happy together.

The reception was held at The Reef restaurant, affording a beautiful view of Long Beach harbor and the downtown lights beyond.

The bride wore white. The other bride also wore white.

 

We couldn’t find a “bride and bride” wedding card at the Hallmark store.

We asked an employee about it, an older woman. “You want what?” she said.

“A bride and bride card. All the wedding cards are bride and groom, a man holding a woman’s hand. What we want is a bride and bride card.”

“We don’t have anything like that,” she said.

“You should get some.”

Silence.

 

The gentleman who performed the wedding told us that we were not just attending a wedding, we were striking a blow against ignorance and bigotry.

Actually, I wasn’t there to strike a blow for anything; I was there because I was invited.

If you’re going to position yourself as a champion of tolerance and broad-mindedness, you should go ahead and drop the name-calling.

 

The Mexican bride’s family is, I assume, Catholic and opposed to this kind of thing — women marrying women.

“I was a little taken aback when I first heard about it,” her dad said.

But she’s still their daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, etc., and the family turned out in large numbers to support her.

The Asian bride’s family was a different story. Other than a couple of cousins, they were in absentia.

Her mom didn’t attend because she opposed the wedding. Her dad didn’t attend because he didn’t even know it was happening. Mom didn’t tell him because she’s afraid it would kill him.

 

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Guys who wear porkpie hats to formal affairs.

Other than to call attention to yourself at an event that’s not about you, what possible reason could you have for wearing that hat? To protect your head? From what?

Lose the hats, hipsters.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

6 Aug 2010 /

Pregnant women I’ve never heard of

General rule: If you’re pregnant and I’m not the father, I don’t need to be informed. Couldn’t care less.

Melissa Rycroft? Lily Allen? Who the hell are these people?


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

18 May 2010 /

People who use the word “signage,” e.g., “We’ve got to put up some signage so people can find the right conference rooms.”

Look — like most words, the plural of “sign” is formed by adding “-s” at the end, not “-age.” This kind of language abuse just makes everyone stupider.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

11 Jun 2009 /

Adventurers

Jonny Copp, a well-known mountain climber and adventurer who grew up in Fullerton, has been found dead on the side of Mount Edgar, China, the apparent victim of an avalanche, according to a variety of websites, including his own.

Three words that come to mind when I hear someone introduced as an “adventurer”: Die, die, die . . .


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