For six centuries and in several countries, the Holy Inquisition punished rebels, heretics, witches, homosexuals, pagans . . .
Many ended up at the stake, sentenced to roast over a slow fire fed with green wood. Many more were subjected to torture. Here are some of the instruments used to extract confessions, modify beliefs, and sow panic:
the barbed collar,
the hanging cage,
the iron gag that stifled unwanted screams,
the saw that cut you slowly in two,
the finger-stretching tourniquet,
the head-flattening tourniquet,
the bone-breaking pendulum,
the seat of pins,
the long needle that perforated the devil’s moles,
the iron claw that shredded flesh,
the pincer and tongs heated to fiery red,
the sarcophagus lined with sharp nails,
the iron bed that extended until arms and legs got pulled out of their sockets,
the whip with a nail or knife a the tip,
the barrel filled with shit,
the shackles, the stocks, the block, the pillory, the gaff,
the ball that swelled and tore the mouths of heretics, the anuses of homosexuals, and the vaginas of Satan’s lovers,
the pincer that ground up the tits of witches and adulterers,
and fire on the feet,
among other weapons of virtue.
Notes from the Golden Orange
EppsNet Archive: Satan
A new Meetup group called Praying for Startups sent me the following email:
Are you involved in a startup? Are you a Christian?
Meet fellow Christians from all walks of the entrepreneurial eco-sphere, as we share and pray for our teams and the startup community, both locally and abroad.
I’d be interested to see some numbers on the correlation between prayer and startup success. I suspect there isn’t any. Also the relative efficacy of prayers to a Christian God vs. Allah, Buddha, Satan, Zeus and all other supernatural beings.
I think this comparison is terribly unfair — to Lucifer.
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]
Greetings from the afterlife!
I love it when people say “Get thee behind me, Satan.”
I am behind you. I’m thinking of giving you a shove.
See you in Hell . . .
In the desert, an old monk once advised a traveler, the voices of God and the Devil are scarcely distinguishable.
We don’t have 72 virgins down here, so I presented him with 72 vegans.
He’s not happy. HAAAHAHAHA!
IT’S GOOD TO BE SATAN!
My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.
This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!
HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!
But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.
But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .
By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?
My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!
That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.
So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!
One of the things Ted Kennedy and I have in common is that we both love Chappaquiddick jokes. Ed Klein, a Kennedy friend and biographer, was on the radio the other day and said:
I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too.
HAAAHAHAHA! I hope you like heat, Teddy! I look forward to swapping jokes with you in Hell. Have you heard this one?
Q. What do you call 200 Kennedy sycophants at the bottom of a Chappaquiddick pond?
A. A great start, but bad news for NPR guest-bookers!
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!