EppsNet Archive: Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson on the General Welfare Clause

[Thomas Jefferson] then considered the general phrase of the Constitution that identified the purpose of the taxing power as “to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States.” Congress, he said, was to levy taxes only for these purposes, not for any purpose they pleased. “In like manner they are not to do anything they please to provide for the general welfare, but only to lay taxes for that purpose.” To interpret this provision in any other way would reduce the Constitution to “a single phrase, that of instituting a Congress with power to do whatever would be for the good of the U.S. and as they would be the sole judges of good or evil, it would also be a power to do whatever evil they pleased.” — Noble E. Cunningham, Jr., In Pursuit of Reason: The Life of Thomas Jefferson Read more →

Pleonasm of the Day: Offended Muslims

ple·o·nasm, noun the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy. an instance of this, as free gift or true fact. My fellow Americans — U.S. embassies in Egypt, Libya and Yemen have been attacked by Muslims offended by a YouTube video. “Offended Muslims” — there’s a pleonasm for you! The embassy in Egypt, hoping to pacify the attackers, issued a statement opposing “continuing efforts by misguided individuals to hurt the religious feelings of Muslims — as we condemn efforts to offend believers of all religions.” DISAGREE! We should be APPLAUDING efforts to offend religious believers. We should be STEPPING UP efforts to offend religious believers. My friends and I risked everything — including our lives, that’s how important it was to us — to ensure that Americans could speak their minds without interference from government. Religion is all horseshit anyway. There’s no God. There’s no… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on “You Didn’t Build That”

Almost everything appertaining to the circumstances of a nation, has been absorbed and confounded under the general and mysterious word government. Though it avoids taking to its account the errors it commits, and the mischiefs it occasions, it fails not to arrogate to itself whatever has the appearance of prosperity. It robs industry of its honours, by pedantically making itself the cause of its effects; and purloins from the general character of man, the merits that appertain to him as a social being. — Thomas Paine, Rights of Man (1792) My fellow Americans — You see how my friend Tom Paine, 220 years ago, perfectly anticipated — and rejected — your President Obama’s “You didn’t build that” quote. Oh yes, we were aware of the “progressive” philosophy — that everything good comes from government — even then and we wanted no part of it. By the way, I notice that… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Weinergate

Rep. Weiner of New York — one of the 13 original colonies — has been sending photos of his penis to women in Texas, Washington and other points west. When I was president, Texas and Washington weren’t even part of the country, and if I wanted to show a woman my dick, she had to be right there in the room with me.1 And still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. Yes, I could have made a sketch and sent it through the mail but that could take weeks. Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Christine O’Donnell

For all of you pussies out there making fun of her, just know that I would bang her, and if I would bang her, then she’s hot. Read more →

You Don’t Say

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama told voters repeatedly during the health care debate that the overhaul legislation would bring down fast-rising health care costs and save them money. Now, he’s hemming and hawing on that. — Health care politics run into economic reality – msnbc.com Could not have seen that coming! Read more →

Don’t Send a Community Organizer to Do a President’s Job

My fellow Americans — I’m angry. Not just because the southern coastline of our nation — including Louisiana, which I purchased from Napoleon in the sweetest deal of 1803 — is being destroyed. Read these pathetic remarks from our president, Barack Obama: The president also implied that anti-big government types such as tea party activists were being hypocritical on the issue. “Some of the same folks who have been hollering and saying ‘do something’ are the same folks who, just two or three months ago, were suggesting that government needs to stop doing so much,” Obama said. “Some of the same people who are saying the president needs to show leadership and solve this problem are some of the same folks who, just a few months ago, were saying this guy is trying to engineer a takeover of our society through the federal government that is going to restrict our… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Oil Spill

I do not believe that the federal government should have a central and powerful place in American life. I believe in freedom and self-reliance. Some people, like President Obama, disagree with me. He believes you should part company with your freedom and your money for the privilege of having the government take care of you — wipe your collective backsides, so to speak — from cradle to grave. In which case — why doesn’t he know how to plug an oil leak? — Tom Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Health Care Bill

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny. — TJ My fellow Americans — This is a glorious day in our great nation! No, I’m not referring to that tragedy of a health care bill, which I’ll get to in a moment. I’m talking about Free Pastry Day at Starbucks! Who doesn’t enjoy a tasty scone with his morning coffee? Now, on a more somber note . . . Goodbye, representative democracy! Farewell, consent of the governed! President Obama today signed into law a far-reaching measure that will affect everyone living in these United States, now and in the future. It is opposed by most of the country and it is now law. I would never have believed that the government I helped to establish would one day engage in this kind… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Freedom

We’re not interested in government fixes, we’re interested in freedom. — Sarah Palin My fellow Americans — This Palin woman stimulates me on multiple levels. She’s absolutely right in what she says. Let’s go back to first principles. We founded this country as “the land of the free and the home of the brave,” not as a goddamn hippie commune for pussies. I believe in America and I believe in Americans. I believe that the majority of Americans — not as one-sided a majority as there was in my day but a majority nonetheless — do not want to be condescended to, do not want to be talked down to, but rather just want to be left alone to succeed or fail on their own merits. Yours eternally in freedom, Tom Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Obama’s Healthcare Speech

My fellow Americans — Perhaps it was unfair of me to be critical of President Obama’s healthcare speech without having heard it. There’s not much to do on a Saturday night when you’re dead, so I read the transcript: We’ve estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a system that is currently full of waste and abuse. . . . The only thing this plan would eliminate is the hundreds of billions of dollars in waste and fraud, as well as unwarranted subsidies in Medicare that go to insurance companies . . . Reducing the waste and inefficiency in Medicare and Medicaid will pay for most of this plan. And how much money are we talking about, sir? Now, add it all up, and the plan I’m proposing will cost around $900 billion over 10 years. WTF?! I… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Healthcare Reform

My fellow Americans — Did you watch President Obama’s healthcare speech tonight? Neither did I. But I did learn from msnbc.com’s First Read that he hoped in his speech to explain to ordinary American voters — “call them Joe and Jane from Kansas City” — that his health-care reform will 1) cover nearly everyone and 2) cut costs in the long run. So let me get this straight — we’re going to spend money to save money! Does he think everyone in Kansas City is that stupid or just Joe and Jane? What — you don’t believe we can insure 50 million more people and cut costs at the same time? Well then, you’re an uninformed kook! You’re scared that those cost savings will come from drastically rationing access to care, particularly for people who are chronically ill and/or near the end of their lives? You’re un-American! Probably a Nazi!… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Edward M. Kennedy, 1932-2009

I’ve never understood what was so great about this guy. He was immature, a drunk and a womanizer. In 1979, he couldn’t answer a softball question about why he wanted to be president and didn’t even make it out of the primaries. The best thing I can say about him is that he got things done. He had an undeniably impressive track record of passing legislation — most of it disastrous, of course — but he did get it passed. And he killed that poor girl, Mary Jo Kopechne. Don’t forget that. Put her in a lake, then went back to his hotel room and fell asleep. Never even reported it. Far from ending his political career though, the whole Chappaquidick “incident” was written off as just Ted being Ted. As a deceased person myself, I know that death is like following a light into the next world. If you’re… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson Wishes You a Happy Fourth

My fellow Americans — Happy Independence Day to all of you! Please take a few minutes on this day to look at a wonderful history lesson — about me! — by Maira Kalman, in which you’ll learn, among other things, that I actually wrote the Declaration of Independence! Thanks, Tom Read more →

Thomas Jefferson: A Birthday Gift

My fellow Americans — Did you know that I was born on this date in 1743? Probably you didn’t because nobody makes a big deal about it like Washington’s birthday or Lincoln’s. That used to really bother me but I’m okay with it now. Anyway — it’s MY birthday but YOU get the gift. Point your browser at the Guess Her Muff website. GADZOOKS! You will not be disappointed! Sadly, ladies styling their pubes had not entered into the marketplace of ideas in the 18th century. I can’t help thinking what Sally Hemings would have looked like with a Brazilian. AH-OOGAH! Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Financial Meltdown

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — If anyone could emerge from the AIG bonus debacle looking good, it could be New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo. — “NY’s Cuomo wins praise for pursuing AIG on bailout” Cuomo. KWOH-moh. Italian, I suppose. I have no personal animosity toward Mr. Cuomo, but despite his favorable write-ups in the press, he is certainly no hero in these matters. Americans have short memories. Even members of the press — or “the media,” as you now call them — who should provide context and perspective, have short memories. Set the Wayback Machine to 1995. Bill Clinton is president and Henry Cisneros, the Housing and Urban Development (HUD) secretary, institutes a requirement that 42 percent of the mortgages financed by government-sponsored entities (GSEs) Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac serve low- and moderate-income families. Things only got worse under Cisneros’ successor, Andrew Cuomo: Cuomo raised that number to 50… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson: Obama Not Up to the Task?

Obama still has the approval of the people, but the establishment is beginning to mumble that the president may not have what it takes. — Newsweek.com Gee — do you really think so? What was your first clue? The loud noise of nest eggs being crushed all over America every time he opens his mouth? President of the United States is not a job for a dilettante three years out of the Illinois state senate. Before I was elected president, I served as governor of Virginia, minister to France, secretary of state under George Washington and vice president under John Adams. I also wrote the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom and, in my younger years, at age 33, a little something called the Declaration of Independence. President Obama’s accomplishments? I’ll step aside and let one of his supporters enumerate them: Read more →

The Chicago Tea Party

This is America! How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage? President Obama are you listening? How about we all stop paying our mortgage! — Rick Santelli (video), CNBC Chicago I’m rolling over in my grave, as the gentleman from Chicago has already noted. Count me in for the Chicago Tea Party! A little revolution now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. I’ll bring Samuel Adams along. Not the beer, you yahoos, the patriot! He has experience with this sort of thing. P.S. Medary.com has provided a Chicago Tea Party broadside, or whatever you call them nowadays. Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Stimulus Package

The situation could not be more serious. It is inexcusable and irresponsible for any of us to get bogged down in distraction, delay or politics as usual while millions of Americans are being put out of work. Now is the time for Congress to act. — Barack Obama Bah-loney. The American economy will bounce back as it always has, as surely as day follows night, no matter what anyone does or doesn’t do. The only urgency in passing a stimulus bill (which doesn’t work, as I’ve explained previously) is so President Obama can take the credit for the recovery when it occurs . . . Read more →

Why Spending Stimulus Plans Fail

Congress doesn’t have its own stash [of money]. Every dollar it injects into the economy must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new spending power is created. It’s merely redistributed from one group of people to another. — Brian Reidl, The Wall Street Journal As you probably learned in school, we founded this country as a free-market economy and viewed government intervention in the market with the greatest skepticism. The above article is the clearest explanation I’ve seen for why bailouts and “stimulus plans” involving government spending never work. The latest failed companies hoping for a bailout are General Motors and Ford. I hope Henry Ford — a great American like myself, who is currently whirling like a lathe in his Detroit grave — will pardon me for saying so, but these companies are nothing but engines of mass financial destruction. According to the WSJ, GM… Read more →

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