EppsNet Archive: Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson on the General Welfare Clause

23 Nov 2012 /
Thomas Jefferson

[Thomas Jefferson] then considered the general phrase of the Constitution that identified the purpose of the taxing power as “to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States.” Congress, he said, was to levy taxes only for these purposes, not for any purpose they pleased. “In like manner they are not to do anything they please to provide for the general welfare, but only to lay taxes for that purpose.” To interpret this provision in any other way would reduce the Constitution to “a single phrase, that of instituting a Congress with power to do whatever would be for the good of the U.S. and as they would be the sole judges of good or evil, it would also be a power to do whatever evil they pleased.”


Pleonasm of the Day: Offended Muslims

13 Sep 2012 /
Thomas Jefferson

ple·o·nasm, noun

  1. the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy.
  2. an instance of this, as free gift or true fact.

My fellow Americans —

U.S. embassies in Egypt, Libya and Yemen have been attacked by Muslims offended by a YouTube video.

“Offended Muslims” — there’s a pleonasm for you!

The embassy in Egypt, hoping to pacify the attackers, issued a statement opposing “continuing efforts by misguided individuals to hurt the religious feelings of Muslims — as we condemn efforts to offend believers of all religions.”

DISAGREE! We should be APPLAUDING efforts to offend religious believers. We should be STEPPING UP efforts to offend religious believers.

My friends and I risked everything — including our lives, that’s how important it was to us — to ensure that Americans could speak their minds without interference from government.

Religion is all horseshit anyway. There’s no God. There’s no Allah. It’s all a bunch of made-up bullshit. Fairy tales!

As John Lennon — an Englishman, but otherwise a good bloke — used to say: Imagine no religion . . .


Thomas Jefferson on “You Didn’t Build That”

8 Sep 2012 /
Thomas Jefferson

Almost everything appertaining to the circumstances of a nation, has been absorbed and confounded under the general and mysterious word government. Though it avoids taking to its account the errors it commits, and the mischiefs it occasions, it fails not to arrogate to itself whatever has the appearance of prosperity. It robs industry of its honours, by pedantically making itself the cause of its effects; and purloins from the general character of man, the merits that appertain to him as a social being.

— Thomas Paine, Rights of Man (1792)

My fellow Americans —

You see how my friend Tom Paine, 220 years ago, perfectly anticipated — and rejected — your President Obama’s “You didn’t build that” quote.

Oh yes, we were aware of the “progressive” philosophy — that everything good comes from government — even then and we wanted no part of it.

By the way, I notice that liberals are now calling themselves “progressives.”

That’s good. The word “liberal” has lost its true meaning. Classical liberalism was based on “liberty” — from kings, churches and aristocracies.

Did you know that the great economist Milton Friedman did not call himself a conservative or a libertarian? He called himself a liberal, in the original sense of that word.

Progressives don’t believe in liberty. They believe in government as the new church and politicians as the new aristocracy.


Thomas Jefferson on Weinergate

7 Jun 2011 /
Thomas Jefferson

Rep. Weiner of New York — one of the 13 original colonies — has been sending photos of his penis to women in Texas, Washington and other points west.

When I was president, Texas and Washington weren’t even part of the country, and if I wanted to show a woman my dick, she had to be right there in the room with me.1

And still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.

  1. Yes, I could have made a sketch and sent it through the mail but that could take weeks.

Thomas Jefferson on Christine O’Donnell

27 Sep 2010 /
Thomas Jefferson

For all of you pussies out there making fun of her, just know that I would bang her, and if I would bang her, then she’s hot.


You Don’t Say

10 Sep 2010 /
Thomas Jefferson

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama told voters repeatedly during the health care debate that the overhaul legislation would bring down fast-rising health care costs and save them money. Now, he’s hemming and hawing on that.

Could not have seen that coming!


Don’t Send a Community Organizer to Do a President’s Job

23 Jun 2010 /
Thomas Jefferson

My fellow Americans —

I’m angry. Not just because the southern coastline of our nation — including Louisiana, which I purchased from Napoleon in the sweetest deal of 1803 — is being destroyed.

Read these pathetic remarks from our president, Barack Obama:

The president also implied that anti-big government types such as tea party activists were being hypocritical on the issue.

“Some of the same folks who have been hollering and saying ‘do something’ are the same folks who, just two or three months ago, were suggesting that government needs to stop doing so much,” Obama said. “Some of the same people who are saying the president needs to show leadership and solve this problem are some of the same folks who, just a few months ago, were saying this guy is trying to engineer a takeover of our society through the federal government that is going to restrict our freedoms.”

So let me get this straight: If I didn’t support the government takeover of the healthcare industry — which I didn’tI’m a hypocrite for expecting the president to show leadership in a crisis?!

SWEET SASSY MOLASSY! Community organizers don’t know how to handle oil spills, do they?

— Tom


Thomas Jefferson on the Oil Spill

12 Jun 2010 /
Thomas Jefferson

I do not believe that the federal government should have a central and powerful place in American life. I believe in freedom and self-reliance.

Some people, like President Obama, disagree with me. He believes you should part company with your freedom and your money for the privilege of having the government take care of you — wipe your collective backsides, so to speak — from cradle to grave.

In which case — why doesn’t he know how to plug an oil leak?

— Tom


Thomas Jefferson on the Health Care Bill

23 Mar 2010 /
Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny.
— TJ
Thomas Jefferson

My fellow Americans —

This is a glorious day in our great nation! No, I’m not referring to that tragedy of a health care bill, which I’ll get to in a moment. I’m talking about Free Pastry Day at Starbucks! Who doesn’t enjoy a tasty scone with his morning coffee?

Now, on a more somber note . . .

Goodbye, representative democracy! Farewell, consent of the governed!

President Obama today signed into law a far-reaching measure that will affect everyone living in these United States, now and in the future. It is opposed by most of the country and it is now law.

I would never have believed that the government I helped to establish would one day engage in this kind of forced sodomy against its own people.

We know what is right and we will do it, regardless of whether you want it done to you or not.

If Karl Marx were here, he would no doubt make a case for trading off liberty in favor of whatever it’s called when a centralized authority redistributes your income in the interest of “equality.” If you know even a little bit about American history, I guess you know which side of that fence old Tom Jefferson is on.

Switching from politics to economics: People with insurance use more health care resources than people without. Put another stitch in my head, doc! I’ve got insurance!

If more people have insurance, it will increase the demand for health care, which in turn will increase the price.

Now imagine that everyone has insurance. I got your health care reform right here: We’re going to drive the price of health care through the roof, then spend a titanic amount of money helping poor people afford it.

I have no (proven) living descendants and for that I say — Thank God! The next generation of Americans is going to be crushed under the burden of paying for this misguided vision of government.

Yours in sadness and in hope,

Tom


Thomas Jefferson on Freedom

27 Sep 2009 /
We’re not interested in government fixes, we’re interested in freedom.
— Sarah Palin
Thomas Jefferson

My fellow Americans —

This Palin woman stimulates me on multiple levels. She’s absolutely right in what she says. Let’s go back to first principles. We founded this country as “the land of the free and the home of the brave,” not as a goddamn hippie commune for pussies.

I believe in America and I believe in Americans. I believe that the majority of Americans — not as one-sided a majority as there was in my day but a majority nonetheless — do not want to be condescended to, do not want to be talked down to, but rather just want to be left alone to succeed or fail on their own merits.

Yours eternally in freedom,

Tom


Thomas Jefferson on Obama’s Healthcare Speech

13 Sep 2009 /

My fellow Americans —

Perhaps it was unfair of me to be critical of President Obama’s healthcare speech without having heard it. There’s not much to do on a Saturday night when you’re dead, so I read the transcript:

Thomas Jefferson

We’ve estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a system that is currently full of waste and abuse. . . . The only thing this plan would eliminate is the hundreds of billions of dollars in waste and fraud, as well as unwarranted subsidies in Medicare that go to insurance companies . . . Reducing the waste and inefficiency in Medicare and Medicaid will pay for most of this plan.

And how much money are we talking about, sir?

Now, add it all up, and the plan I’m proposing will cost around $900 billion over 10 years.

WTF?!

I will not accept the status quo as a solution.

OK — cut the bullshit, my friend. Your “plan” vs. “the status quo” is a false choice. You’ve just said so yourself. If you’ve figured out how to eliminate $900 billion in waste and inefficiency from the current system, GO AHEAD AND DO IT! Why are you tying that to 1,000 pages of unrelated “reforms” that no one has even bothered to read?

If you can eliminate hundreds of billions of dollars in waste and inefficiency — I don’t believe that for a second, but let’s say you can — you will have no greater supporter than old Tom Jefferson. AND — you will have acquired so much credibility that you’ll be able to pass any reforms you like.

Don’t present false choices to us like we’re a nation of fools. Cut the bullshit and DO something.

— Tom


Thomas Jefferson on Healthcare Reform

9 Sep 2009 /

My fellow Americans —

Did you watch President Obama’s healthcare speech tonight? Neither did I. But I did learn from msnbc.com’s First Read that he hoped in his speech to explain to ordinary American voters — “call them Joe and Jane from Kansas City” — that his health-care reform will 1) cover nearly everyone and 2) cut costs in the long run.

Thomas Jefferson

So let me get this straight — we’re going to spend money to save money!

Does he think everyone in Kansas City is that stupid or just Joe and Jane?

What — you don’t believe we can insure 50 million more people and cut costs at the same time? Well then, you’re an uninformed kook!

You’re scared that those cost savings will come from drastically rationing access to care, particularly for people who are chronically ill and/or near the end of their lives? You’re un-American! Probably a Nazi!

I’m going to tell you something about myself that you probably didn’t learn in school: When I died, I was deeply in debt. Do you know why? Because everyone, including successful politicians like yours truly, struggles to keep up with the demands of organizing and managing the daily realities of their own lives, let alone trying to micromanage the entire goddamn United States healthcare system.

Let me leave you with this final thought. Don’t believe everything your leaders tell you. Use some common sense, as my old friend Tom Paine used to say. Think for yourself.

— Tom


Thomas Jefferson on Edward M. Kennedy, 1932-2009

26 Aug 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

I’ve never understood what was so great about this guy. He was immature, a drunk and a womanizer. In 1979, he couldn’t answer a softball question about why he wanted to be president and didn’t even make it out of the primaries.

The best thing I can say about him is that he got things done. He had an undeniably impressive track record of passing legislation — most of it disastrous, of course — but he did get it passed.

And he killed that poor girl, Mary Jo Kopechne. Don’t forget that. Put her in a lake, then went back to his hotel room and fell asleep. Never even reported it. Far from ending his political career though, the whole Chappaquidick “incident” was written off as just Ted being Ted.

As a deceased person myself, I know that death is like following a light into the next world. If you’re lucky, that light won’t be the moon shining through the window of a submerged Olds 88 . . .


Thomas Jefferson Wishes You a Happy Fourth

4 Jul 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

My fellow Americans —

Happy Independence Day to all of you!

Please take a few minutes on this day to look at a wonderful history lesson — about me! — by Maira Kalman, in which you’ll learn, among other things, that I actually wrote the Declaration of Independence!

Thanks,

Tom


Thomas Jefferson: A Birthday Gift

13 Apr 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

My fellow Americans —

Did you know that I was born on this date in 1743? Probably you didn’t because nobody makes a big deal about it like Washington’s birthday or Lincoln’s.

That used to really bother me but I’m okay with it now.

Anyway — it’s MY birthday but YOU get the gift. Point your browser at the Guess Her Muff website. GADZOOKS! You will not be disappointed!

Sadly, ladies styling their pubes had not entered into the marketplace of ideas in the 18th century. I can’t help thinking what Sally Hemings would have looked like with a Brazilian.

AH-OOGAH!


Thomas Jefferson on the Financial Meltdown

27 Mar 2009 /

ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) — If anyone could emerge from the AIG bonus debacle looking good, it could be New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo.

Thomas Jefferson

Cuomo. KWOH-moh. Italian, I suppose.

I have no personal animosity toward Mr. Cuomo, but despite his favorable write-ups in the press, he is certainly no hero in these matters.

Americans have short memories. Even members of the press — or “the media,” as you now call them — who should provide context and perspective, have short memories.

Set the Wayback Machine to 1995. Bill Clinton is president and Henry Cisneros, the Housing and Urban Development (HUD) secretary, institutes a requirement that 42 percent of the mortgages financed by government-sponsored entities (GSEs) Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac serve low- and moderate-income families.

Things only got worse under Cisneros’ successor, Andrew Cuomo:

Cuomo raised that number to 50 percent and dramatically hiked GSE mandates to buy mortgages in underserved neighborhoods and for the “very-low-income.” Part of the pitch was racial, with Cuomo contending that Fannie and Freddie weren’t granting mortgages to minorities at the same rate as the private market. William Apgar, Cuomo’s top aide, told The Washington Post: “We believe that there are a lot of loans to black Americans that could be safely purchased by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac if these companies were more flexible.”

Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s put half of the GSE money into mortgages for very low income black people! And let’s not trouble them for a down payment either:

Fannie also developed a “flexible” product line, providing up to 100 percent financing and requiring borrowers to make as little as a $500 contribution, and bought $13.7 billion of those loans in 2003.

And yet I often hear the ensuing financial meltdown being blamed on “greed” and “the evils of capitalism.”

That was not capitalism; that was government manipulation of the housing market.

Americans have very short memories . . .


Thomas Jefferson: Obama Not Up to the Task?

10 Mar 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

Obama still has the approval of the people, but the establishment is beginning to mumble that the president may not have what it takes.

Gee — do you really think so? What was your first clue? The loud noise of nest eggs being crushed all over America every time he opens his mouth?

President of the United States is not a job for a dilettante three years out of the Illinois state senate. Before I was elected president, I served as governor of Virginia, minister to France, secretary of state under George Washington and vice president under John Adams.

I also wrote the Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom and, in my younger years, at age 33, a little something called the Declaration of Independence.

President Obama’s accomplishments? I’ll step aside and let one of his supporters enumerate them:


The Chicago Tea Party

19 Feb 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

This is America! How many of you people want to pay for your neighbor’s mortgage? President Obama are you listening? How about we all stop paying our mortgage!

Rick Santelli (video), CNBC Chicago

I’m rolling over in my grave, as the gentleman from Chicago has already noted. Count me in for the Chicago Tea Party!

A little revolution now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

I’ll bring Samuel Adams along. Not the beer, you yahoos, the patriot! He has experience with this sort of thing.

P.S. Medary.com has provided a Chicago Tea Party broadside, or whatever you call them nowadays.


Thomas Jefferson on the Stimulus Package

8 Feb 2009 /
Thomas Jefferson

The situation could not be more serious. It is inexcusable and irresponsible for any of us to get bogged down in distraction, delay or politics as usual while millions of Americans are being put out of work. Now is the time for Congress to act.

Bah-loney. The American economy will bounce back as it always has, as surely as day follows night, no matter what anyone does or doesn’t do.

The only urgency in passing a stimulus bill (which doesn’t work, as I’ve explained previously) is so President Obama can take the credit for the recovery when it occurs . . .


Why Spending Stimulus Plans Fail

16 Nov 2008 /

Congress doesn’t have its own stash [of money]. Every dollar it injects into the economy must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new spending power is created. It’s merely redistributed from one group of people to another.

— Brian Reidl, The Wall Street Journal

As you probably learned in school, we founded this country as a free-market economy and viewed government intervention in the market with the greatest skepticism.

Thomas Jefferson

The above article is the clearest explanation I’ve seen for why bailouts and “stimulus plans” involving government spending never work.

The latest failed companies hoping for a bailout are General Motors and Ford. I hope Henry Ford — a great American like myself, who is currently whirling like a lathe in his Detroit grave — will pardon me for saying so, but these companies are nothing but engines of mass financial destruction.

According to the WSJ, GM and Ford invested a combined $465 billion between 1998 and 2007.

As of last Friday’s market close, they had market caps of $4 billion (Ford) and $1.7 billion (GM).

They’ve wiped out almost $460 billion of American capital in the last 10 years and now they want more money.

Look — my friend Paul Epps has a sister who spent every dollar she ever had on booze, drugs and abortions. For a while, friends and family members tried to help her by giving her money when she didn’t have any.

Do I have to tell you how that turned out?

I’m not suggesting that executives at Ford and GM spent the $460 billion on booze, drugs and abortions — not all of it anyway — but I am saying that sometimes people who don’t have any money can’t be helped by giving them more money.


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