Hugh Hefner As if the Carl’s Jr. commercials weren’t bad enough, I saw one of those “Celebrities on the Town” shows where “Hef” is getting out of a limousine with his entourage of girls, shambling into a club like a doddering old man in what appears to be a bathrobe, his hair sticking way out in back like he slept on it the wrong way and nobody bothered to tell him . . . Pathetic — hurry up and die. Read more →
December 2003
Why I Hate Stretching at Home
When I do my stretching regimen at the gym, I don’t have a self-appointed, jive-talking personal trainer, age 10: — You call dat a stretch? We got a big problem here. — Is dat da best you can do? — What in da name a Jimmy da Jet kind of a stretch is dat? — Who’s Jimmy the Jet? — I dunno. Who is he? Read more →
My Kid Got a Dawg for Christmas
My kid got a dog for Christmas — a Pug. His name is Lightning. The dog’s, that is, not the kid’s. Pugs take the cake for “cute,” judging by the reaction of every woman or girl who sees one. Oh, he’s so cute! Oh, he’s so precious! Read more →
A Bruce Lee Christmas
I’ve been reading Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do, in which he says that most athletes are not willing to drive themselves hard enough, and that only through extraordinary effort can one unlock the potential of the human body. Read more →
The Waiting
My dad’s almost 70 now. He’s been a role model to me in terms of aging gracefully, without complaint. “How does it feel to be 45?” he asked me the other day. “Feel like you’re getting old?” “Yes,” I said. “Wait until you get to fifty-five,” he said. Thanks, Dad! Read more →
The Nutcracker
I’d never seen The Nutcracker — or any other ballet for that matter. It turns out that ballet is just mime with better sets and costumes. Read more →
Reverse Performance Anxiety
My son had a very nice piano recital last weekend. He played the right notes, he played the quiet parts quiet and the loud parts loud . . . and yet he had never once, to my knowledge, practiced the piece at home without playing it too loud, too fast, and having a simulated nervous breakdown if anything was said to him about it. I’ve Googled this all day and I can’t figure it out . . . Read more →
My Favorite Xmas Songs
Links go to iTunes samples . . . Read more →
Emily Dickinson
Emily Dickinson was born on this date in 1830. Happy Birthday, Emily! I died for beauty, but was scarce Adjusted in the tomb, When one who died for truth was lain In an adjoining room. He questioned softly why I failed? “For beauty,” I replied. “And I for truth,—the two are one; We brethren are,” he said. And so, as kinsmen met a night, We talked between the rooms, Until the moss had reached our lips, And covered up our names. Let’s party! Read more →
Prescription Drugs by Email!
I get about 200 emails a day — 90 percent junk — and 90 percent of the junk is targeted at human weakness, weariness, disappointment, regret and self-loathing. Read more →
Happy Birthday to Me
You say its your birthday? Its my birthday too, yeah! We’re gonna have a good time! I’m glad it’s your birthday! Happy birthday to you! We gonna party like it’s my birthday! We gonna sip Bacardi like it’s my birthday! I’m 45 today, probably a lot further from birth than death . . . what a hell of a note. More Bacardi, please! Read more →
Huh?
My son just said something to me that sounded like Meesa favo word yall dog homie thats a foul yo in yo face hippie homo bozo ooheehoohaahaah? I’m not going to respond to that . . . Read more →
An Evening at Home
I’m trying to listen to classical music with a 10-year-old who won’t stop pretending he’s an intergalactic space admiral: Chopin . . . great composer . . . he was from Earth, wasn’t he? Read more →
The Sanctity of Marriage
Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Today’s decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court violates this important principle. — President Bush, on the Massachusetts Supreme Court’s decision that the state’s constitution guarantees same-sex couples a right to marry. Here’s what’s really undermining the sacredness of modern marriage: soap operas, wedding planning, longer work days, cuter secretaries, fights over money, reality TV, low-rise pants, mothers-in-law, boredom, Victoria’s Secret catalogs, going to bed mad, the billable hour, that stubborn 7 pounds, the Wiggles, Internet chat rooms, and selfishness. In fact we should start amending the Constitution to deal with the Wiggles immediately.” — Dahlia Lithwick, “Holy Matrimony” Read more →
How Family Traditions Get Started
At a family gathering a few years ago, a couple of my nieces were experimenting with makeup — including bright red lipstick — when one of the maiden aunts told them that girls with red lipstick look like whores. Well, that made quite an impression on these girls . . . now at any family get-together that the aunt attends, every girl — from high school seniors down to 5-year-olds — puts on the tawdriest shade of red lipstick they can find. At Thanksgiving this past week, one of the girls added some ghastly white face powder, for the total painted lady look . . . Read more →