One of my owner’s friends gave me a Christmas pug to use on my blog. My first present of the season! Thanks, MS! The pug looks a little sad, probably because someone made him wear that stupid Santa hat. Pugs don’t like to wear hats. We may look like funny little animals, but don’t forget we are descended from the mighty gray wolf. Before you put a Santa hat on a pug, try putting a Santa hat on a wolf. That will teach you a good lesson. Don’t think that the pug is sad because of the snow. Pugs love snow! A day in the snow is the best day ever! Now that I think about it, every day is the best day ever! Oh, one more thing: I do NOT endorse Popdarts.com. Do not go to that site. Go to sites that support pugs. Oops — my owner just… Read more →
December 2008
Death of a Programmer
I’m reviewing my year-end Benefits Summary at work . . . I’ve got life insurance plus supplemental life insurance at a multiple of my annual salary. I’m having a Willy Loman moment where it seems like after all the highways, and the trains, and the appointments, and the years, you end up worth more dead than alive . . . Thus spoke The Programmer. Read more →
Overheard
Really Crazy
I had an office visit with my doctor, who is also my wife’s doctor . . . We always spend a few minutes talking about my wife, who, to use the medical terminology, is “really crazy.” “She is really crazy,” the doctor says. “I don’t know how you keep your sanity. You always seem so calm. I bow to you.” And she stretches both arms out and actually bows. I’m glad someone is able to get a laugh out of it. Then she refills my Paxil prescription so I can make it through the next six months . . . Read more →
Drummer Boy
My son had a drum set part in the Northwood Holiday Concert last night . . . Drum set parts are a showcase for high school percussionists because usually they stand at the back of the orchestra, the audience can’t actually see the instruments, and nobody knows what they’re doing. He told me after the concert that was the worst he’d ever played that song but it sounded great to me, maybe because I’m a parent . . . Read more →
How to Be a Good IT Customer
There’s a guy at work who tells me he’s the best IT customer in the organization. When I ask him why he’s the best IT customer, he says it’s because he understands that we in IT are very busy so he doesn’t bug us too much. That’s funny because the person I think is our best customer is just the opposite — she knows what she wants, and she doesn’t mind being difficult if it leads to better results. Yes we’re busy, but we’re trying to do this stuff as well as we can do it and it helps to get a sense from the customer that the work is important and that doing it well is worthwhile. Read more →
Pond Hockey
“I wish I could go back and be eight years old again for a couple days . . .” Read more →
The Bloody Olive: A Christmas Film Noir
Blago’s Football
This guy is beyond satire: [Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich] rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, former employees say, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times his preferred black Paul Mitchell hairbrush. He calls the brush “the football,” an allusion to the “nuclear football,” or the bomb codes never to be out of reach of a president. — International Herald Tribune Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who refer to their favorite sports team in the first person So instead of “The Lakers didn’t play very well last night but they still won the game,” they’ll say “We didn’t play very well last night but we still won the game.” We?! What position do you play? Read more →
Stormy Weather
The first storm of the season is rolling through Southern California, which means it’s time to bring back the time-honored tradition of sending female TV reporters out to do live weather remotes. I saw a woman on TV this morning standing in a blizzard to tell me that it’s snowing in the Cajon Pass. Really?! It always snows in the Cajon Pass. She could have told me the same thing from inside a heated studio. Some day, one of these women is going to get pneumonia or frostbite and sue this whole sadistic practice out of existence . . . Read more →
Higher Education May Soon Be Unaffordable
The rising cost of college — even before the recession — threatens to put higher education out of reach for most Americans, according to the biennial report from the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education. — NYTimes.com Good! Long overdue! There are way, way, way too many unqualified people getting college degrees. Higher education has been devalued to the point that you can’t swing a cat without knocking down some idiot with a graduate degree. Read more →
Time Management
DOGBERT (typing): “Always postpone meetings with time-wasting morons.” DILBERT (reading over his shoulder): How do you do that? DOGBERT: Can I get back to you on that? — Scott Adams Read more →
The Man Who Wasn’t There
I thought I saw one of the dads from my kid’s high school roller hockey team at L.A. Fitness this morning. He was riding a stationary bike and there was no way I could get where I wanted to go without walking past him. Great . . . now I’m going to have to take time out of my workout to acknowledge this guy and talk to him. I hate talking to people when I’m working out. That’s why I come in here at 5 in the morning — because it’s not crowded and I don’t have to talk to anybody. If this guy’s going to start coming in at 5 and I have to talk to him every morning — even if it’s just to say hello — I swear to Jesus I’m going to start coming in at 4. Thank god it wasn’t him after all . .… Read more →
A T-Shirt with a Gorilla on It
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it. “That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.” “I’d sport that,” he said. “I’d don that,” he said. “I’d . . .” “I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.” Read more →
A Gay Mexican Guy with a Mohawk
I went to get my hair cut at lunch. There was one guy waiting ahead of me and two stylists — a woman, and a gay Mexican guy with a Mohawk. Am I a bad person for praying that Mohawk would finish first (he did) and take the other guy? My son says when he was in Washington, D.C., he saw shops where all the hair cutters were men. “That’s different,” I explain. “Those are barbers. Barbers don’t mess around with you like stylists. I don’t want a gay guy with a Mohawk running his fingers through my hair. Note the fact that he’s a Mexican doesn’t matter at all. I mean, I’m not a racist or anything.” Read more →
I Didn’t Get a Pizza Square
The free sample stand at Trader Joe’s has pizza squares today. They look delicious! Unfortunately, there are only two left and just ahead of me is a woman with a toddler in her shopping cart. I’m thinking Just take one and leave one for me but no, she takes both, hands one to the toddler, who immediately drops it face down on the floor . . . Read more →
Best 10-Word Explanation of Why the Big 3 Bailout Should Die
We simply cannot ask the American taxpayer to subsidize failure. — Mitch McConnell Read more →
An African-American Name
My son needs an African-American name for a character he created in NFL Street. “How about Kareem of Wheat?” I suggest. He decides to go with Delondre McWreck . . . Read more →
A Mixed Blessing
Reviewing the EppsNet balance sheet: investment accounts down, home equity down. My wife says at least we have our health. Even that’s a mixed blessing as my retirement planning currently includes dying young before the money runs out . . . Read more →