Whitewater Adventures are for Pussies, or: A Rube in a Tube


A man from West Plains, Mo., has been found dead floating in the Meramec River after he disappeared from a tubing trip.

Gregory L. Spurling, 55, was pronounced dead at about 12:50 a.m. Monday in Crawford County.

Kudos to Gregory L. Spurling, formerly of West Plains, Mo. — a real American!

Frankly, I’m sick of these soft yuppie bastards who pay big money for “whitewater adventures” and pass themselves off as thrillseekers.

Those trips are no more dangerous than a raft ride at Disney World.

Riding down a river in an inner tube — now that’s excitement! You might die! Especially if your judgment’s been impaired by the consumption of alcohol.

Don’t forget the sunscreen!

  8 comments for “Whitewater Adventures are for Pussies, or: A Rube in a Tube

  1. MS
    31 Aug 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Is this facetious or are you backwards? Whitewater rafting is way more dangerous than a tube float trip, even if you drink on the tube float trip, which is practically a requirement. My dumb brother almost got killed on a whitewater rafting trip, while my sister, her husband, my son and I have tubed for the last few summers and the biggest problem we had was getting out of the tube at the wrong time and having a hard time getting back in before we went over some small rapids. Oh, and running out of beer was also a problem. And once, a branch poked me in the arm.

  2. HW
    31 Aug 2011 at 1:47 pm

    No one ever got killed on a “whitewater adventure.” *Almost* got killed = I fell out of the boat, thank god I was *roped* to it. It’s safer than Disneyland.

    You have to tube in the same river as the whitewater adventurers. Take the tube out of your swimming pool, down to the Colorado River and shove off. Then write a book about it, like John Wesley Powell.

  3. MS
    1 Sep 2011 at 2:53 pm

    You must be high. I suspect you have never done either of these activities. Whitewater rafting is nowhere near as safe as Disneyland, and tubing also has higher risk. I bet you have been to Disneyland though. Was it scary for you?

  4. HW
    1 Sep 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Before I do any activity, I ask myself, would a fucking *pussy* do this? And if the answer is yes, then I don’t do it.

    So I haven’t been on a whitewater adventure.

    Here’s how I spent my summer:


  5. MS
    1 Sep 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Well if that’s your criteria, apparently you’ve never done anything. How fascinating.

    If you ever do decide to try something adventurous, like whitewater rafting in class IV rapids, I bet they have waterproof Depends you can wear so you don’t embarrass yourself. You should probably start with Class I and work your way up.

  6. HW
    1 Sep 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Every bourgeois yuppie asshole on my block has done Class IV rapids, they’re all as clueless as you are, and they all lived to tell about it.

  7. PE
    1 Sep 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Hey, I just wanted to thank you two idiots…this site’s now number one on Google for “whitewater adventures are for pussies”!

    That said, you’ve got a better chance of drowning in your own swimming pool than on one of those stupid whitewater boats.

    R.I.P. Gregory L. Spurling.

  8. MS
    1 Sep 2011 at 10:06 pm

    You are so weird.

    BTW your blog looks good on my tablet.

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