Hi Everybody –
I just had the worst nightmare! My owner took me to a country fair and I got lost and we couldn’t find each other!
It was so realistic! I’ve never been so sad and scared! But then I woke up and it was just a dream and so I was happy again!
— Lightning 
My wife and I saw Up yesterday at the Irvine Spectrum. The movie features a “talking” dog — a whole pack of talking dogs actually. When the main dog character meets the main human character, the dog jumps up, licks his face and says, “I have just met you and I love you.” If dogs could talk, that’s exactly what they’d say.
After the movie, we walked over to Spectrum Pets and looked at a puggle puppy. Same reaction — jumping, face licking. I have just met you and I love you.
Of course, there are some people who feel that they don’t deserve this kind of unconditional love. We call them “cat people.”
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I’ve got the dog all hooked up for a walk but I don’t have shoes on . . .
Look! Right here by the front door are my son’s prized possession — his red sneakers!
He notices me slipping my feet into them and says, “Hey! What size are your feet? You’re not going to stretch them out, are you?”
“Actually,” I say, “they feel a little loose.”
“OK,” he says grudgingly. “Don’t step in any puddles.”
The dog and I are having a great time this morning playing tug-of-war. My wife is ironing clothes.
“What time is it?” she asks.
“It’s 7:22. Are you trying to tell me to stop playing around and go to work?”
“No, I’m trying to time it so I can stop ironing and make Casey’s breakfast before he has to go to school.”
“Apology accepted.”
Up late last night, up early this morning . . . my wife and I take Lightning to the dog beach. We get home a little after 10 . . .
Nap time!
When I wake up and look at the (analog) clock over the fireplace, it’s already 3 p.m. My god, I’ve slept the whole day away!
No, wait . . . the big hand is on the 3 and the little hand is on the 12. It’s only 12:15!
Back to sleep . . .
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Hi Mom! Happy Mothers Day! How are things in Iowa?
Here’s a recent picture of me at the dog park. You can see I have an underbite just like Dad. Some people tease me about it but I don’t care.
You would be so proud of me. I’m the alpha dog of my whole neighborhood!
People think that dogs don’t remember their families but of course I remember you and I always love you even though you’re far away.
Your son,
Lightning
This has been making the rounds of my Facebook friends so I thought I’d repost my answers here:
A – Age: Extremely late 30s
B – Bed Size: Procrustean
C – Chore You Hate? If it’s a chore, I hate it
D – Dogs Name? Lightning
E – Essential Daily Items? Nothing is essential
F – Favorite Color? Blue. No, yell– AUUUUUUUUGH!
G – Gold Or Silver? Whatever
H – Height? 6-0, give or take
I – Instruments You Play? Drums and piano, both poorly
J – Job Title? Lord of Logic
K – Kids? Son, age 15
L – Living Arrangements? Wife, kid and dog, in a rapidly depreciating house
M – Mom’s Name? Good question…I only knew her as “Mom”
N – Nicknames? Like Charlie Brown, I always wanted to be called “Flash”
O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth? Burst fracture, L1 (i.e. broken back); laparascopic cholecystectomy (i.e. gall bladder out)
P – Pet Peeves? Other people and their pet peeves
Q – Quote From A Movie? “I am letting you into the secret of all secrets, mirrors are gates through which death comes and goes. Moreover if you see your whole life in a mirror you will see death at work as you see bees behind the glass in a hive.” — Jean Cocteau, Orphée
R – Right Or Left Handed? Right
S – Siblings? One sister, two brothers, and two more sisters
T – Time You Wake Up? Weekdays 5 AM, weekends whenever
U – Underwear? To paraphrase the Dos Equis guy, “I don’t always wear underwear, but when I do, I prefer boxer briefs.”
V – Vegetable You Dislike? “Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.” — Garrison Keillor. Oh wait, DIS-like? Are yams a vegetable? If not, lima beans or squash.
W – Ways You Run Late? Spending too much time on the Internet
X – X-Rays You’ve Had? Dental, foot, wrist, back, head, finger, blah blah blah…do MRIs count too?
Y – Yummy Food You Make? Bourbon and coke. Is that a food? Sometimes I combine two kinds of cereal and it comes out really good.
Z – Zoo Favorites? Meerkats probably
My owner took me to the dog park this morning and then we went to the Starbucks drive-thru.
I like to stick my head out the window and say hi to the drive-thru people!
This morning, the drive-thru girl said, “Oh I want a pug so bad! Is it true that they snore?”
I don’t snore.
“Some do,” my owner said, “but this one doesn’t.”
“When I get my pug,” the girl said, “if she snores I’m going to love her snoring SO MUCH!”
That’s sweet. What a nice girl.
“She’ll be a lucky pug,” my owner said.
— Lightning
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Here’s conundrum of fame, as I see it: It’s always said that if you want to be famous, you must endure criticism. The fabled “trade off”…
…But the whole reason people want to be famous is to be loved. They’re love-addicts. Hating a celeb is like kicking a hemophiliac.
Like I bet Tom Hanks internalizes a shitty remark way more than, say, the HR lady in your office. He’s needy. That’s why he’s Tom Hanks.
All right, enough Psych 101. My Chihuahua looks like Billy Crystal and my Shepherd is Gheorghe Muresan. They need a development deal.
THIS IS THW MOST INSANE THING IV EVER SEEN! IM LAIUGHTING SOHARD I CANR EVEN TYPE1
LOL!!!
— Lightning
What’s with all these awards? They’re always giving out awards. Best Fascist Dictator: Adolf Hitler.
LOL! Woody Allen cracks me up!
I’m not going to watch the Oscars but I hope Slumdog Millionaire wins a lot of awards because my owner says it’s good and because I love movies about dogs.
Unless Owen Wilson is in it.
— Lightning
The dog has a stuffed bear he likes to sleep with. Unfortunately, it’s now bedtime and we don’t know where the bear is.
“Have you seen his bear?” I ask my wife.
“I think he had it upstairs,” she says. “Either in our room or Casey’s room.”
“Upstairs” and “bear” are two of the words the dog recognizes so he’s already charged upstairs and waiting for me on the top step.
I walk up and ask him, “Where’s your bear?”
He runs into my room. We look around in there and can’t find it so we go down the hall to the boy’s room where he’s sitting on the bed doing homework.
I say to him, “Where is it, you bear-stealin’ varmint?”
He gets up and walks out of the room.
“Thanks for the help,” I call after him. “Come on, Lightning, we’ll conduct the search without him.”
A few moments later, the boy walks back in with the bear in his hand.
“How lame are you?” he asks.
“Where was it?”
“I walked downstairs to the sofa, lifted up the blanket and it was right there,” he says. Why couldn’t you find it?”
“I didn’t look there because Mom said it was upstairs. See, that’s what you get for trusting people.”
A cat in Seattle is having a photo exhibition! I have to admit that a couple of the photos are pretty good.
I don’t have a camera. 
— Lightning
It’s chilly tonight in Orange County — temperatures in the low 40s — but the dog still needs to go out for a walk so I ask my son to please take care of it.
“It’s kinda cold,” he says.
“It’s okay,” I reply. “He’s got fur.”
“I don’t have fur.”
“You should have thought of that when you asked for a dog.”
