EppsNet Archive: Email

A Matter of Low Importance

6 Oct 2017 /
Low importance

It’s funny that Microsoft Outlook gives you the option to send email and flag it as “Low Importance.”

If it’s low importance, why send it at all?

Eat a Bag of D*cks

3 Jul 2017 /

I was informed today via email that a bag of gummy penises is a great way to tell friends, family, loved ones or enemies to eat a bag of dicks.

An anonymous package is sent to your chosen recipient containing 2 things: A bag of delicious gummy candies and a note exclaiming “EAT A BAG OF DICKS.”

You remain forever anonymous as you picture them wondering “Who sent this to me?” and “Are there more tasty gifts on the way?”

What are you waiting for?

Grow Taller 4 Idiots

2 Jul 2017 /

Here’s an email I got today. Eccentricities in spelling and punctuation are reproduced from the original.

Mutt and Jeff

Let’s face it, being short is no fun.

There are SO MANY CHALLENGES you have to overcome.

Such as:

People teasing and poking fun at you all the time. Missing out on the girl/guy of your dreams. Being average at sport due to lack of height. And getting a j* b can also be a problem too.

Plus, it’s demoralizing having to look up to people all the time.
Yes, it’s enough to drive to you crazy.

But what can you do about it? Do you just have to accept it, or is there is a solution that works?

Well, there is actually…

And it’s guaranteed to help you grow a minimum of 2-4 inches in just weeks.

It’s called “Grow Taller 4 Idiots” and it’s so ef fective it’s been used successfully by over 194,000 people in 174 countries!

Yes, this system actually works.

Being short will be a thing of the past… changing your life forever.

Go check it out nowz.

Steve C. Kinard

I’m not including the link here lest a reader newly armed with these height increase facts click on it, because, I don’t know, but it sounds like a scam to me . . .

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Jill Stein on Leaked DNC Emails

26 Jul 2016 /

The leaked DNC emails are the smoking gun that the Democratic establishment was rigging the game against Bernie the whole time. Instead of running the process impartially and letting the voters decide, top Democratic officials were doing all they could to ensure a Clinton victory, including collusion with journalists to present a pro-Clinton, anti-Sanders narrative.

You want to affirm a corrupt party that just dragged you across the coals? You expect your supporters, who have a vision and who voted for integrity, to follow you into this shithole? Is there no respect here for his campaign and for himself? Are they just going to pretend it didn’t happen?

I think it would be very hard for a self-respecting Sanders supporter, in light of these revelations, to take the beating and humiliate themselves and disrespect themselves, to go into the campaign and support the predator who destroyed them.

How is Hillary Clinton going to hold a candle to Donald Trump? Not only does this destroy the unification efforts within the Democrats, but this destroys Hillary’s ability to portray herself as trustworthy to the American public. They already don’t trust her.

George Orwell: “I Told You So”

25 Jun 2016 /

WASHINGTON (AP) — An Associated Press review of the official calendar Hillary Clinton kept as secretary of state identified at least 75 meetings with longtime political donors, Clinton Foundation contributors and corporate and other outside interests that were not recorded or omitted the names of those she met.

Clinton campaign spokesman Nick Merrill said that Clinton “has always made an effort to be transparent since entering public life.”

In addition to the unrecorded meetings with donors, this effort at transparency includes setting up a private email server to use as Secretary of State, and giving speeches at $200,000 per to Wall Street banks and investment firms, foreign governments and other special interest groups under a contract that prevents anyone from releasing a transcript of what she said.

Merrill went on to say, “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.”

Fun Fact of the Day

12 Mar 2016 /

If you try to send “Oh good” as an email reply but type “Oh god” by mistake, your spell checker will not flag that as an error.

You Already Know Who I Am

11 Mar 2016 /

I clicked an Unsubscribe link from an email and got a web page with this form:



The Most Transparent Liar in Modern Times?

8 Mar 2016 /

I’m the most transparent public official in modern times. — Hillary Clinton

“That’s why as Secretary of State I ran a shadow government from a private email server, sending and receiving communications regarding secret programs, anti-terrorist activities, drone strikes, etc., so that there would be no public record of my activities.

“I also give paid speeches to Wall Street firms under a contract that prohibits anyone from releasing a transcript of what I said.”

What a scream! Maybe she means she’s the most transparent liar in modern times . . .

Hillary Clinton

Always “Ass…”

23 Jun 2015 /

Have you ever noticed in your inbox or browser tabs how the word “Association” always gets truncated to “Ass…”? Never “As…” or “Asso…,” always “Ass…”


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Email From a Bird

29 Jun 2014 /

Angry bird

I meant to sign this email “Nest Regards” but I typed “Best Regards” by mistake — and the spell check didn’t catch it! I am one angry bird right now . . .

The Cure for Missing Attachments

10 Jan 2014 /

I wrote an email in Outlook 2013, concluded by saying “Details are in the attached doc,” then clicked Send without attaching the aforesaid document.

I must not be the only person who does this, because when I clicked Send, this dialog box appeared:

Attachment reminder

Obviously, Outlook is looking for words like “attached” or “attachment” in emails that don’t contain an actual attachment. It turns out that this behavior can be turned on or off in the Outlook Mail options:

 Mail options

I have to admit that I don’t remember if “warn me” is the default option, or if I turned it on at some point in the past and forgot about it.

3 Questions That Get All Women Excited

12 Aug 2013 /

I get a lot of spam lately with that topic: 3 Questions That Get All Women Excited.

Does anyone know what the questions are? Asking for a friend . . .


4 Apr 2013 /

I’ve noticed a new trend in spam is to put the word “Manager” in front of the sender’s name, e.g., Manager Joe Schmuck instead of just plain Joe Schmuck.

Are people really this stupid? Does anyone think to themselves, “I don’t know any Joe Schmuck, but if he’s come up through the ranks to the level of Manager, then I think I owe it to myself to see what he has to say”?

Intellectual Giftedness is Not Necessarily Hereditary

1 Apr 2013 /
Chess with champagne !

I get an email from the UCI-Gifted-Students mailing list. Shortly thereafter, a parent clicks Reply All to send out this response:

Please remove my name from your mailing list.

Wait, there’s more. A second parent then responds to the first parent, also via Reply All:

I'm one of receipents [sic] of the UCI-Gifted-Students emails, therefore not responsible and able to remove you. I wish I knew who to direct you to.

Good luck.

This Scam Still Needs a Little Work

13 Apr 2012 /
Dress form

I got this in my email today:

From: paypal@service.com
Subject: account information needs to be updated

Dear PayPal Costumer …

Fun with Spell Check

24 Nov 2010 /

I was writing an email this morning with the phrase “smart, motivated team players” but I misspelled it as “smart, moticated team players.”

Outlook’s spell check suggested three possible corrections: motivated, medicated and masticated.

We’re chewing ’em up and spitting ’em out!

A Day in the Internet

19 Oct 2010 /

A Day in the Internet

Created by Online Education

Twitter: 2009-07-01

1 Jul 2009 /
  • Office email: "Refrigerators being cleaned out tonight. Please take home anything you'd like to keep." OK. Going to stock up right now… #
  • At a s/w demo, a user asks: "What are inheritable user permissions? Does that mean if I die, my permissions go to someone else?" #

Need a Boost?

26 Apr 2009 /

We’re wordsmithing a confirmation email that we send out to new members of our association.

One problem I have with it is that we talk about our mission being to “enhance the quality of nursing care” and then in the next sentence we talk about members receiving “enhanced benefits.”

Do we need to use “enhance” in every sentence? What’s the difference between “benefits” and “enhanced benefits”? Maybe we could just say “benefits” and leave it at that.

No, our customer care analyst says we really do offer “enhanced benefits” above and beyond the usual benefits, so we need a synonym for “enhance” if we don’t want to use it twice.

I’m thinking we could say “improve the quality of nursing care” or we could say “boost the quality of nursing care.”

“Improve” is clearly better but I just love the sound of the word “boost.”

They’re not booing, they’re saying “boooooooooost the quality of nursing care.”

Sometimes I Am Too Fast

12 Mar 2009 /

Just fired off a quick email reply: “oh good.” But mistyped it: “oh god.”


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