EppsNet Archive: ESPN

Are There Any Intelligent People Currently Living?

4 Aug 2014 /

I was at LA Fitness this morning . . . one of the TVs was showing an interview with Jameis Winston on ESPN. Winston is borderline retarded but thinks he’s articulate — a deadly combination.

He’s a very talented athlete. Just show clips of his athletic accomplishments. They’re impressive and fun to watch. Why would anyone want to talk to him or listen to him talk? The interviewer is paid to endure it, I get that, but why foist it on the viewing public? Maybe it’s the train wreck element. It was very painful to watch and yet I couldn’t look away!

Rarely is one person gifted in multiple ways. Some people are great athletes, some people are intelligent and interesting . . . the overlap between the two groups is very small.

Venn diagram: Athletic / Intelligent

Listening to Jameis Winston talk is like watching Milton Friedman take batting practice or Albert Einstein work on his five-step drop.

(I know the Milton Friedman and Albert Einstein references are dated but I’m having trouble thinking of anyone who’s a) highly intelligent; b) well known to the general public; and c) currently alive.)


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Stuart Scott

17 Jul 2014 /

I’m hearing on the radio this morning that Stuart Scott received something called the Jimmy V Perseverance Award at the ESPYs last night . . .

Who knew you could get an award for having cancer? I am exhausted by sports people, media people, entertainment people, sports media entertainment people sucking each other’s dicks.

Stuart Scott and people like Stuart Scott have killed my enjoyment of sports with their endless self-promotional bullshit while I’m trying to watch highlights. I hate sports and it’s all because of Stuart Scott. And now he gets an award for having cancer.

Everyone unfortunately has family members and/or friends who get cancer and battle it to the best of their abilities without receiving a goddamn award. It’s insulting to all of those people to give someone an award for having cancer and it’s doubly insulting to accept an award for having cancer.

I have come to bear witness! I have faced my own mortality. I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat and snicker.

Yes, you and 1.7 million other people diagnosed with cancer every year in the U.S alone.

I am exhausted with people putting their lives on display based on a delusion about their own uniqueness and importance. Oh what a plague.

Fuck Stuart Scott.


Things You Can and Can’t Do

21 Feb 2012 /

Chink in the Armor

Things You Can Do

Discriminate against Asians in college admissions.

Things You Can’t Do

Use “Chink in the Armor” as the headline for an article on the New York Knicks.


How will the recent Virginia Tech shooting deaths affect football recruiting, ESPN?

Posted by on 10 Dec 2011

The ESPYs Were Funny — 12 Years Ago

14 Jul 2010 /

Did you see the ESPYs tonight? Me neither, but Deadspin has a video of Norm McDonald’s monologue from the 1998 ESPYs.

To give you an idea:

I saw Jerry Jones backstage. He said, “We’ve got to get back to what made the Cowboys great. Strippers and crack.”

The camera goes to Charles Woodson and McDonald congratulates him on winning the Heisman Trophy.

First defensive player to win the Heisman. That’s something they can never take away from you. Unless you kill your wife and a waiter.


Berman Leaving Bristol?

9 Feb 2010 /
Chris Berman

[Chris] Berman could go all the way to DirectTV or the NFL Network when his ESPN contract expires? Its probably just a negotiating ploy, but it sure would be neat to see him exclusively on channels my TV doesn’t have.

Deadspin