EppsNet Archive: God

Mysterious Ways

15 Apr 2015 /

Headline

Family killed

Whenever I see headlines like this I wonder why God couldn’t find an atheist family to drop a concrete slab on. The infant, whose shirt appears to say KING JESUS, was also killed.


I Don’t Much Care for Coincidences

19 Oct 2014 /

I don’t much care for coincidences. There’s something spooky about them: you sense momentarily what it must be like to live in an ordered, God-run universe, with Himself looking over your shoulder and helpfully dropping coarse hints about a cosmic plan. I prefer to feel that things are chaotic, free-wheeling, permanently as well as temporarily crazy — to feel the certainty of human ignorance, brutality and folly.

— Julian Barnes, Flaubert’s Parrot

See You in Hell, O Ye of Little Faith

14 Sep 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld! I was catching up on Facebook this morning and saw that a woman is going in for brain surgery and her family and friends are asking for prayers for her recovery.

Isn’t that overkill — prayer and brain surgery? Why not just pray for her recovery and if she doesn’t make it, you chalk it up to God’s will?

Some “true believer” religions, e.g., the Christian Science church, do that. They believe more in prayer than in medicine. They decline medical care because they believe that God can heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons, etc. as he did in the Bible. These are the folks you hear about when they come up on criminal charges after refusing medical care for their seriously ill children and the children die.

Either God can cure a brain tumor or he can’t. Why ask a doctor to cure a brain tumor if you’ve already asked God to cure the brain tumor? Because when it comes down to matters of life and death, most people don’t really believe in God and prayer the way they believe in doctors.

Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?

See you in Hell . . .


It’s All Part of God’s Plan

8 Jul 2014 /

Church members


Not Enough Information?

6 Jul 2014 /

Bertrand Russell declared that, in case he met God, he would say to Him, “Sir, you did not give us enough information.” I would add to that, “All the same, Sir, I’m not persuaded that we did the best we could with the information we had. Toward the end there, anyway, we had tons of information.”

— Kurt Vonnegut, Palm Sunday: An Autobiographical Collage

Killed by Prayer

30 Jun 2014 /

Thumbs down

A woman on Facebook a couple of days ago asked everyone to pray for her seriously ill father. Today, he died. Go figure.

Had he made a miraculous recovery, we would have said that prayer “worked” . . . but what does it mean when you pray for someone to live and he dies?

I had a college professor . . . his exams were graded by a graduate assistant, but students had the option of appealing grades to the professor. That’s not unusual, but most professors will either raise the grade or leave it as is. This guy, however, would either raise the grade, leave it as is or lower it. Risky!

Maybe God operates on the same principle. When you put someone’s fate in his hands, he retains the option of saying “toodle-oo.”


I have only ever made one prayer to God, a very short one: “Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.” And God granted it. — Voltaire


He Moves in Mysterious Ways

27 Jan 2014 /
Lighted match

Photo Credit: charles chan *

There’s a story on the TV news about a fire that burned down a local preschool, owned by the same family for 44 years. Fire investigators suspect arson.

The owner is being interviewed. “The Lord will get us through,” she says.

“I’m surprised the Lord let someone burn the place down to begin with,” I say to my wife.

“You can’t look at it that way.”

“I can’t?”

“It’s just something that happened and the Lord will get them through it.”

“I don’t see how the Lord can be given credit for anything that happens as long as it’s good, but when something bad happens, well, it’s just a random incident that he couldn’t do anything about. Where’s the accountability? Is the Lord making things happen in your life or isn’t he? Well, the preschool burned down, that was regrettable. The Lord must have looked away for a moment. But now he is going to take charge and set things right. Make sure we get the insurance money. How does this make any sense?”


We’re Supporting Tolerance and Inclusion by Telling People to Shut the Hell Up

19 Dec 2013 /

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson has been put on an indefinite hiatus from filming the smash hit A&E reality series following inflammatory remarks about gay people he made in an interview with GQ magazine. . . .

In the interview, which appears in the January issue of GQ, Robertson, founder of the Duck Commander family business of duck calls, referred to gay people as “homosexual offenders” who would not “inherit the Kingdom of God.” He also said a woman’s vagina was “more desirable” than a man’s anus.

Phil Robertson

LET’S ENCOURAGE TOLERANCE AND DIVERSITY BY MAKING THIS GUY SHUT THE HELL UP!

Here’s Robertson’s full quote on “homosexual offenders”:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. … Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

That’s a pretty accurate paraphrase of I Corinthians 6:9-10, which says

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the Kingdom of God.

A lot of people believe that’s the word of God. I don’t, but a lot of people do. In any case, it’s hardly extreme or “inflammatory.” It’s a bible verse. Why is it inflammatory to quote a bible verse as the word of God, but it’s totally cool to characterize Christian scripture as “vile”?

Also: you can’t be on TV if you find a woman’s vagina more desirable than a man’s anus?! A vagina is more desirable than an anus. That’s what keeps us going as a species.

A woman’s anus is more desirable than a man’s anus, but it’s not as desirable as a vagina. A man’s anus is a distant third in the desirability sweepstakes, and it’s even lower if you include mouths, sofa cushions, food products, etc.

This guy Robertson is on a “reality” show. That’s funny. There’s reality and then there’s “reality.”

He talks to a magazine and it turns out that in reality, he’s not as nuanced in his thinking as the people at GLAAD — whose job, by the way, is to be perpetually offended — would like him to be, and because of that, he can’t be on TV anymore.

I guess there’s such a thing as too much reality.


James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

21 Jun 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.

I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.

Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.

“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?

As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”

George is in heaven now.

Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.

Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!

But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.

Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.

Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?

See you in Hell . . .


How Effective is Prayer as a Tornado Survival Tactic?

22 May 2013 /

Oklahoma tornado

Take that, liberal heathen! She’s not “supposed” to pray in a school but she did it anyway! And that’s why she’s alive today!

It would be useful to know for the purpose of assessing the value of prayer as a tornado survival tactic, how many of the 24 people who didn’t survive the Oklahoma tornado were praying at the moment of their death.

Of the 10 children who were killed, were any of them praying? Maybe God said to himself, “Okay, change of plans. I was going to hit Rhonda Crosswhite with this tornado, but since she’s praying out loud in a school, I’ll redirect it into those 10 kids.”


In the desert, an old monk once advised a traveler, the voices of God and the Devil are scarcely distinguishable.


If God Exists

11 Nov 2012 /

If God exists, then no doubt I’ve sinned and I’ll answer for it; but if there is no God, then I didn’t offend them nearly enough, those holy fathers of yours.

— Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

The State of Evidence on the God Question

6 Nov 2011 /

By the way I’m an atheist. I don’t claim to have a proof that God cannot exist. It’s just that I consider the state of the evidence on the God question to be similar to that on the werewolf question.


I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own — a God, in short, who is but a reflection of human frailty. — Albert Einstein


Satan on Osama bin Laden

3 May 2011 /
Satan

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.

This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!

HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!

But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.

But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .

By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?

My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!

That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.

So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!


God’s Gonna Cut You Down

21 Apr 2011 /

Patience

16 Mar 2011 /

Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith.

— Adel Bestavros

Twitter: 2011-01-04

4 Jan 2011 /
Twitter
  • Trying to teach my dog to yawn on command when I say "Sleepy?" Has anyone done this? #
  • If a God has made this world, then I would not like to be the God; its misery and distress would break my heart. — Schopenhauer #

Something Out of Nothing

2 Sep 2010 /
Stephen Hawking NASA 50th (200804210002HQ)

Because there is a law such as gravity, the universe can and will create itself from nothing. Spontaneous creation is the reason there is something rather than nothing, why the universe exists, why we exist.

I still don’t get it. This is the one question that really gives me a headache: Why is there anything at all instead of absolutely nothing — no time, no matter, nothing?

For the universe to create itself out of “nothing,” doesn’t there have to be something?


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