You may be thinking “Nigeria Rules” now, dude, but wait till all 86 of your wives have PMS at the same time . . .

Hi Everybody –

I saw this headline today on an Associated Press story:

As a dog investor myself, I just wanted to assure you that I am not worried. In fact, I’m sleeping like a puppy . . .

The key to investing is taking a long-term view of the market. Stocks are down? It’s a buying opportunity!

Among the stocks I’m currently recommending are

• PetSmart (PETM) - Woof woof!
• Volcom (VLCM), Under Armour (UA) - I see lots of young humans wearing these brands.
• BJ’s Restaurants (BJRI) - I’ve never been but my owner says it’s really good and always crowded!
• Sonic Corporation (SONC) - I love the commercials with the two people talking in the car! So funny!

I just want to say to the American people: I am not a vicious dog, but I don’t put up with a lot of nonsense either.

Headline from OCFamily.com:

TEEN PREGNANCY: What Parents Can Do to Prevent It

Don’t have sex with teenagers?

My days of unemployment may be over:

No, wait . . . I just read the rest of the story and it turns out not to be a job advertisement . . .

I saw this headline in the Orange County Register:

Man fleeing burning Dana Point condo bitten by his dog

My first thought was, “What kind of a dog turns on its owner in a crisis? It’s got to be a pit bull.”

Sure enough . . .

A pit bull spooked by the flames and smoke turned on his owner as the man tried to escape the flames with the dog in his arms. The man, who lived in the condo where the fire started, was badly bitten on both arms.

The man left a trail of blood down the stairs. The dog was not hurt in the blaze.

The dog wasn’t hurt, although an officer on the scene did offer to shoot the animal to keep the owner from being mangled any worse than he already was, an offer the owner declined.

“Please don’t shoot my dog!” he pleaded.

Further investigation revealed that the burning condo also contained — in addition to the man and the dog — a stash of money, guns and drugs. So all in all, not a good day for this local dog owner.

Compare that with this heartwarming dog story from Buffalo, NY . . .

Eve and Norman Fertig, both 81, were trapped outside their home by heavy snow. Fortunately, they were not drug-dealing pit bull owners and had their dog Shana, a German Shepherd mix, with them.

As the cold and snow chilled them both without heavy coats and gloves, Shana started digging under the snow and trees.

The dog actually dug a foot wide tunnel about 20 feet to the home.

Shana barked but, the couple hesitated, so they say the dog came back and tugged on Eve’s jacket. She says the 160 pound dog actually pulled her onto its broad back and crawled through the tunnel. Her husband held on as well as they slowly crawled all the way back to their home.

So — if you’re thinking about buying a dog, you may want to ask yourself, “Is this a breed like a German Shepherd, collie or pug, known for loyalty and intelligence and likely to save my life in a crisis? Or is it a trashy breed like a pit bull or Rottweiler, more suited to guarding junkyards and crack houses, likely to not only not save my life, but to try to kill me when I’m trying to save his worthless life?”

You make the call.

Avoid swimming in sewer overflow

— Houston Chronicle headline

Tom Cruise says wife number three has to be funny, honest

— AFP headline

As opposed to the rest of us, who would be looking for humorless liars, if we weren’t still hanging in there with our first wives.

I ask you — who is stupider: Tom Cruise or the people whose job it is to follow him around and write this crap down?

Sanders quit because Lions weren’t winning

— ESPN.com headline

Background

Barry Sanders, as you may already know, was a running back for the Detroit Lions — one of the best running backs ever.

It was shocking news — to the extent that an athlete’s retirement can be considered “shocking” — when Sanders retired in 1998 because, at age 31, he was at the peak of his career, and on the verge of breaking the all-time NFL rushing record.

Some Lions fans — to this day — still expect him to change his mind and play again.

What Sanders Said

Sanders has an “as told to” autobiography coming out, in which he says that he retired, not — as the above headline says — because the Lions weren’t winning (which they weren’t), but because of his realization that the management of the team no longer cared about winning.

Big difference.

Here’s what he says in the book:

“That realization trivialized everything I did during the off-season to prepare myself. It trivialized everything I dreamed about from the time I was a kid in Wichita . . .”

It’s very similar to something DeMarco and Lister said in Peopleware:

Most forms of teamicide do their damage by effectively demeaning the work, or demeaning the people who do it. Teams are catalyzed by a common sense that the work is important and that doing it well is worthwhile.

People want to do great work. People are dying for opportunities to do great work.

I wish this information could somehow be implanted into the brain of every IT manager.

Thus spoke The Programmer.

Ohio executes man who killed woman with knife

— Reuters

His attorneys sought clemency on the grounds that he had been a “model prisoner.”

I think if that’s the best thing you can say about someone, it’s time to go ahead and kill him.

Footnote: That’s a terrible headline. Did he kill a woman who had a knife? Was he executed with a knife? Some people might argue that that’s cruel and unusual, although I wouldn’t oppose it personally . . .

Headline from a Morningstar newsletter:

Does Your CEO Have a Strong Hand on the Rudder?

Yes! In fact, he had shoulder surgery earlier in the year — I suspect as a result of employing too strong a hand on his rudder . . .

Thus spoke The Programmer.

Road Accident in India Kills 21
The victims were Hindu pilgrims on their way to a temple to worship Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction.