EppsNet Archive: Heat

See You in Hell

11 Oct 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can.

On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”?

See you in Hell . . .


Hot August Morning

19 Aug 2013 /

It’s going to be another hot day! Not even 8 a.m. and I’m panting already!

— Lightning paw


Satan on Osama bin Laden

3 May 2011 /
Satan

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.

This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!

HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!

But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.

But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .

By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?

My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!

That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.

So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!


It Was Hot

5 Sep 2009 /

It was HOT today at the Coliseum — not quite as hot as it’s been all week, and there was a bit of a breeze — but it was HOT.

During the game, there was a roar behind us that sounded like a jet flying past outside the stadium. The second time it happened, my son figured out what it was.

When the Goodyear blimp flew over the west end of the stadium, it cast a moving shadow over the stands (see photo). The roar was a rolling cheer from sweltering people who all of a sudden found themselves in the shade for a couple of seconds . . .

Blimp shadow


Twitter: 2009-08-31

31 Aug 2009 /
  • If you leave the final s off the word assess, spell-check will not flag it as an error. This was an accidental discovery, like penicillin. #
  • I saw a kid walking around today wearing a ski cap. A SKI CAP!? IT'S 93 DEGREES! Wearing SKIS would make more sense! #

Twitter: 2009-08-05

5 Aug 2009 /
  • What's better on a hot summer afternoon — iced tea or lemonade? Thanks to Arnold Palmer, I don't have to choose! #
  • "AA can only help weak people because their ego is strengthened by the group. I was never a joiner." — F. Scott Fitzgerald #

Feeling the Burn

22 Jun 2009 /

It’s a warm early summer day here in Southern California. As I come back to the office from lunch, a colleague is setting up one of those windshield screens to keep the sun from shining into her car all afternoon.

Toughen up, sweetie. I like my steering wheel to be blazing hot when I return to my vehicle. The pain reminds me I’m alive.

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!