EppsNet Archive: Heaven

See You in Hell, Champions of Diversity

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I love diversity and inclusion and equity. Why do I love diversity and inclusion and equity? Because they make everyone hate each other even more than they already do. On one side, you have the people thinking “Look, life’s not a fucking fairy tale for anybody. I’ve been eating a shit sandwich every day of my adult life to stay alive in this profession and these narcissistic pricks want to coattail their way in on a ‘diversity’ exemption.” And on the other side: “The numbers prove that these privileged cocksuckers aren’t giving us a fair shake. Fuck ’em. Their time is over.” In fact, “love” is too weak a word for what I feel. I luuurve it! I loave it! I luff it, two F’s, yes I have to invent! Hell is open borders. Heaven has… Read more →

Fish and Whistle

Father forgive us for what we must do You forgive us and we’ll forgive you We’ll forgive each other till we both turn blue And we’ll whistle and go fishing in heaven — John Prine, “Fish and Whistle” Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Heaven has gates, a wall and extreme vetting. Racist! See you in Hell . . . Read more →

Your Dog Really Loves You

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I’m in heaven now but I want to make sure you guys read this article about how your cat is just nice to you to get food but your dog really loves you. I have my favorite blanket in heaven and my stuffed bear is here with me too! — Lightning P.S. I made up the part about cats, sorry. Read more →

Cashing In

When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don’t see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy. — Joseph Heller, Catch-22 Read more →

Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven

Had I the heavens’ embroidered cloths, Enwrought with golden and silver light, The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half light, I would spread the cloths under your feet: But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. — W. B. Yeats, “Aedh Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven” Read more →

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →

I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishments after I’m dead. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Happy Mothers Day!

Hi Mom! It’s me, Lightning! Happy Mothers Day! Sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive. I know you could be, even though I’m almost 70 years old myself. Here’s a recent picture of me . . . I’m taking a lot of naps now that I’m older. Although come to think of it, I took a lot of naps when I was younger too! I can’t move my legs very well now — my back legs, mostly. They don’t hurt, but I can’t feel them very much and I can’t tell where they are. It’s funny that I used to be the fastest pug and now I’m the slowest. I remember you told me that dogs teach people about two things: Unconditional love, and Nothing lasts forever. Everything ends so don’t take anything for granted, even for one day. If you don’t hear from me next Mothers Day, it’s not… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Why Your Health Insurance Premium is Going Up

Health insurance companies across the country are seeking and winning double-digit increases in premiums for some customers, even though one of the biggest objectives of the Obama administration’s health care law was to stem the rapid rise in insurance costs for consumers. — Despite New Health Law, Some See Sharp Rise in Premiums – NYTimes.com That headline should not read “DESPITE new health law,” it should read “BECAUSE OF new health law.” But we were going to get things for free! We were promised better things at a lower cost! In my day, most of the citizens were farmers or merchants or tradesmen. They lived by their hands and their wits. They had horse sense and they knew when they were being sold a bill of goods. Of course, that was before television. Americans today are unfortunately rather stupid. Most of them don’t know anything about economics, science, history, government… Read more →

I Have Heard What the Talkers Were Talking

I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the      beginning and the end, But I do not talk of the beginning or the end. There was never any more inception than there is now, Nor any more youth or age than there is now, And will never be any more perfection than there is now, Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now. — Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself” Read more →

Aside

Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.

What Marilyn Monroe Said to Liz Taylor in Heaven

It’s important to die at the right time. As Nietzsche used to say, “One must discontinue being feasted upon when one tasteth best; that is known by those who want to be long loved.” You were so beautiful in the 1950s . . . Read more →

Hot Enough for You?

All of us tend to think of our own circumstances in terms of a narrow range and to feel that other pastures are greener. . . . My suspicion is that in Heaven the Blessed are of the opinion that the advantages of that locale have been overrated by theologians who were never actually there. Perhaps even in Hell the damned are not always satisfied. — Jorge Luis Borges, “The Duel” Read more →