EppsNet Archive: Hockey Moms

A Bad Start

27 Jul 2010 /

The tournament is off to a bad start and the boys haven’t even taken the rink yet.

One boy showed up yesterday with a 103 fever. I’m hearing this morning that his parents took him to urgent care. Nobody knows right now if he’s going to be able to play.

Hang on, it gets worse.

I don’t know who knows it yet but another boy went home late last night. His mom, who wasn’t at the tournament, died in her sleep. She wasn’t the healthiest person but she was about the same age as I am and wasn’t expected to die.

I heard about it this morning from one of the other dads, who’s a friend of their family. He heard about it last night when the boy’s dad woke him up with a phone call.

My son doesn’t know about it yet. He’s still asleep.

I’m trying to think if any of his friends have lost a parent before. I can’t think of anyone.

I wish my wife was here. She’s 10 times better than me at dealing with people and situations. She’d do and say the right things without even having to think about it.

What a shock. Rest in peace.


Why I Don’t Go to Sandra Bullock Movies

13 Jul 2009 /

Some of the hockey moms here at the tournament went to see The Proposal and are giving it rave reviews — “Classic Sandra Bullock!” Blah blah blah . . .

“Sandra Bullock used to be pretty cute,” I say, “but now she looks like a guy, don’t you think?”

“Are you kidding?! For 45, she looks amazing!

When I unscrunch my hard-earned dollar bills to see a movie, I want more than “looks good for 45.” I can get “looks good for 45” at home . . .


I Have Some Fundraising Ideas

3 May 2009 /
Pie in the face

My son’s roller hockey team is going to Toronto in July for NARCh. We’re batting around fundraising ideas to help defray the cost of the trip.

How about an old-fashioned kissing booth? Kiss a hockey mom for $10!

Or a pie toss! Throw a pie in the face of a hockey mom for $10!

Better yet — dealer’s choice! Kiss a hockey mom or throw a pie in her face — $10. And we’ll throw in a package deal: A kiss and a pie — in either order! — for only $15!

Surprisingly, only one of the moms thinks this is a good idea . . .


Welcome to Mississauga

11 Apr 2009 /

My son’s roller hockey team is traveling to Mississauga this summer. One of the hockey moms found this video featuring the mayor, Hazel McCallion, an 88-year-old former professional women’s hockey player.

I loved it!


The Facebook Comment I Didn’t Write

22 Feb 2009 /

Here’s the status update I did post:

Paul is shoehorning the limitlessness of life through the limitations of the present…

A woman whose son plays on a roller hockey team with my son posted the following comment:

Wow. That’s actually pretty profound & it took me a few seconds to process that! ๐Ÿ™‚

And here’s the comment I didn’t write in response:

That’s why I bring a book to hockey tournaments, so I don’t have to spend the time between games trying to talk to people who’d always be 5 seconds behind me.


Hockey Moms on the Road

19 Jan 2009 /

My 15-year-old son and I were at the Embassy Suites happy hour having drinks (me) and snacks (him) with some of the other hockey parents and kids.

One of the hockey moms was a really-hot-for-a-45-year-old redhead whose son plays for another team.

“I haven’t seen your son in a while,” she whispered to me. “He looks so different.”

“Yeah, he’s a lot taller,” I said.

“Not just taller. He’s a gorgeous young man.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

She spent the next hour chatting him up, asking him about features on her iPhone, and so on . . .

“Because she was drunk,” the boy said later.

She was kinda drunk, but that wasn’t the only thing going on. Her husband was sitting a couple of chairs away the whole time, surfing the web on his Blackberry, and never even looked in her direction.

 

I was talking to my son’s hockey coach between games when a hockey mom he knows and I don’t walked between us and hugged him.

“Excuse me,” I said. “We’re trying to have a conversation here.”

Then she turned around and hugged me. She smelled nice.

“You smell nice,” I said. “What is that?”

“Obsession,” she said.

She was wearing a lot of it. I could still smell it on my clothes two hours later . . .


Hockey Moms vs. Soccer Moms

10 Oct 2008 /


Soccer Moms Accused of Breaking Into Several Homes

Hockey moms are pit bulls with lipstick. Soccer moms are cat burglars . . .


Mommy’s Water

29 Sep 2008 /

Roller hockey season is starting up again . . .

I don’t know why but I was thinking about one of the moms from last year’s team — she brought bottles of water to the tournaments, some filled with actual water for her kid, and some filled with vodka for herself.

To the untrained eye, they looked identical. I think she may have filled the vodka bottles to a little less than capacity so she could tell them apart. More than once I heard her saying, “Not that one, honey. That’s Mommy’s water.”


Sarah Palin

4 Sep 2008 /
Sarah Palin

As Warner Baxter said to Ruby Keeler in 42nd Street:

You’re going out there a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star!

Finally, a breath of fresh Alaskan air!

Not yet another Ivy League lawyer, yet another warmed-over political hack, yet another condescending, posturing, preening, pandering, pontificating blowhard who’s lost sight of the fact that politicians are employees. We hire them, we pay them, we give them trillions of dollars to spend any way they want to . . . if we didn’t hold them to such ridiculously low standards of accountability, it might be easier to remember who works for whom.

And hockey moms are hot! Why? Because hockey’s an expensive sport, so hockey dads have to knock down a pretty good income, which in our materialistic society allows them to be more selective in the spouse department.

My wife is sort of a hockey mom, in that she has a kid who plays hockey, even though she hardly ever goes to the games or the practices.

But she supports McCain-Palin! And she’s looking forward to seeing Mrs. Palin kick Joe Biden’s ass in the vice-presidential debate.

“Argue with a woman?!” she shouts, shaking both fists in the air. “HA HA HA! You are just going to lose and lose!”


I Forgot About Her

12 Jun 2007 /

I’m explaining to my 8th-grade kid that his mom is pretty attractive for a mom, but he’s not seeing it.

I list off several of his friends’ unattractive moms by way of example, and then ask him, “Which of your friends has a better-looking mom than Mom?”

“Lopez,” he says, naming one of the kids on his hockey team.

OK, I’d forgotten about her . . .


Crime and Punishment

3 Apr 2005 /

I was listening to some hockey moms topping one another with stories of horrible punishments handed out by their husbands to their misbehaving kids . . .

I wasn’t able to participate because I’ve never really punished my son in the way of grounding him or taking away privilieges.

Continue reading Crime and Punishment