EppsNet Archive: Hockey Moms

A Bad Start

The tournament is off to a bad start and the boys haven’t even taken the rink yet. One boy showed up yesterday with a 103 fever. I’m hearing this morning that his parents took him to urgent care. Nobody knows right now if he’s going to be able to play. Hang on, it gets worse. I don’t know who knows… Read more →

Why I Don’t Go to Sandra Bullock Movies

Some of the hockey moms here at the tournament went to see The Proposal and are giving it rave reviews — “Classic Sandra Bullock!” Blah blah blah . . . “Sandra Bullock used to be pretty cute,” I say, “but now she looks like a guy, don’t you think?” “Are you kidding?! For 45, she looks amazing!” When I unscrunch… Read more →

I Have Some Fundraising Ideas

My son’s roller hockey team is going to Toronto in July for NARCh. We’re batting around fundraising ideas to help defray the cost of the trip. How about an old-fashioned kissing booth? Kiss a hockey mom for $10! Or a pie toss! Throw a pie in the face of a hockey mom for $10! Better yet — dealer’s choice! Kiss… Read more →

Welcome to Mississauga

My son’s roller hockey team is traveling to Mississauga this summer. One of the hockey moms found this video featuring the mayor, Hazel McCallion, an 88-year-old former professional women’s hockey player. I loved it! Read more →

The Facebook Comment I Didn’t Write

Here’s the status update I did post: Paul is shoehorning the limitlessness of life through the limitations of the present… A woman whose son plays on a roller hockey team with my son posted the following comment: Wow. That’s actually pretty profound & it took me a few seconds to process that! ๐Ÿ™‚ And here’s the comment I didn’t write… Read more →

Hockey Moms on the Road

My 15-year-old son and I were at the Embassy Suites happy hour having drinks (me) and snacks (him) with some of the other hockey parents and kids. One of the hockey moms was a really-hot-for-a-45-year-old redhead whose son plays for another team. “I haven’t seen your son in a while,” she whispered to me. “He looks so different.” “Yeah, he’s… Read more →

Hockey Moms vs. Soccer Moms

Hockey moms are pit bulls with lipstick. Soccer moms are cat burglars . . . Read more →

Mommy’s Water

Roller hockey season is starting up again . . . I don’t know why but I was thinking about one of the moms from last year’s team — she brought bottles of water to the tournaments, some filled with actual water for her kid, and some filled with vodka for herself. To the untrained eye, they looked identical. I think… Read more →

Sarah Palin

As Warner Baxter said to Ruby Keeler in 42nd Street: You’re going out there a youngster, but you’ve got to come back a star! Finally, a breath of fresh Alaskan air! Not yet another Ivy League lawyer, yet another warmed-over political hack, yet another condescending, posturing, preening, pandering, pontificating blowhard who’s lost sight of the fact that politicians are employees.… Read more →

I Forgot About Her

I’m explaining to my 8th-grade kid that his mom is pretty attractive for a mom, but he’s not seeing it. I list off several of his friends’ unattractive moms by way of example, and then ask him, “Which of your friends has a better-looking mom than Mom?” “Lopez,” he says, naming one of the kids on his hockey team. OK,… Read more →

Crime and Punishment

I was listening to some hockey moms topping one another with stories of horrible punishments handed out by their husbands to their misbehaving kids . . . I wasn’t able to participate because I’ve never really punished my son in the way of grounding him or taking away privilieges. Read more →