EppsNet Archive: Irvine

Spa Day at the Vet and Erica’s Departure

 

I dropped Lightning off at the vet for grooming . . . “Make it like a spa day for him,” I said. “With lots of pampering. Don’t just put him in the sink and soak him down like we do at home. Make it free pampering though, nothing that will cause extra charges to accrue. By the way, where’s Erica?” Erica is usually at the desk on weekends but today there was a new girl. The new girl, Lauren, said that Erica is moving to Arizona and won’t be working there anymore. “She will be greatly missed,” Lauren said. She sure will. People are insane when it comes to their pets and Erica was always extremely patient and attentive — extremely. I wish I had the kind of personality that makes people miss me when I go away but oh well . . . I guess I have other qualities.… Read more →

A Trip to the Vet

 

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet. He takes 5mg/day of a steroid for his joints, half a tablet in the morning and half at night. The tablets are scored to make them easier to cut in half, but the vet staff uses a pill cutter, making cutting on the scoring actually a little more difficult because you have to line up each pill. It’s better to cut them on the scoring, because the pills are small and they can crumble if they’re cut across the scoring, but it’s more time-consuming. “Are the pills cut on the lines?” I ask the woman at the desk. “Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.” “He doesn’t like it?” she says. “He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail.” Some of the women at our vet’s office have a sense of humor and some don’t.… Read more →

The Hardest Available Challenge

 

One of my colleagues at work has a son in 6th grade. She’s trying to figure out which math class to put him in for 7th grade. Working backward, we know that “normal” kids take Algebra I in 9th grade, the smarter kids take Algebra I in 8th grade, and the smartest kids take Algebra I in 7th grade. Placement depends on how a kid scores on the math placement test. My co-worker’s concern is if her kid gets a top score on the placement test and he’s eligible to take Algebra I in 7th grade, does she want him to do that, or to wait till 8th grade? If he takes Algebra I in 7th grade, that would mean he’d be taking the hardest math classes all through high school. Would it be better from a college admission standpoint to take easier classes and get all A’s, or take… Read more →

The White Lexus Strikes Again

 

“I just tried to get into my car in the parking lot and I couldn’t open it. Do you know why?” “Let me guess. Do you drive a white Lexus SUV?” “Yes.” “Because you were trying to get into someone else’s car.” “How did you know that.” (Answer here.) Read more →

The Aliens Have Landed in Irvine

 

It’s about one in the afternoon at the Irvine In-N-Out Burger. A guy who looks to be in his early 20s comes in wearing a backward baseball cap, dark sunglasses (which he never removes) and — despite a temperature in the high 80s — a pullover sweater. To simplify the storytelling, let’s call this guy Alf. Alf waits in line, places his order, then immediately walks over and stands in front of the pickup counter. The place is packed, and I can tell from looking at the number on my own ticket that there are about 10 more orders ahead of me, and since I ordered before him, there are about 15 more orders ahead of Alf, so there’s no reason for him to be standing at — in fact, leaning on — the pickup counter. After a few moments, the kid at the pickup counter asks Alf what his… Read more →

Profiling

 

The office park where my a friend of mine works was burglarized over the weekend. Surveillance cameras captured the whole operation. “They were Mexicans,” he said. “They look like professionals. They were wearing hats and jackets so you couldn’t see their build or anything.” “So how are you identifying them as Mexicans if you couldn’t see them?” I asked. “Because they were stealing stuff?” Read more →

Things That Scare Other People’s Dogs Do Not Scare Our Dog

 

We went out to watch the city of Irvine fireworks show. Best use of our tax dollars since last year’s show! As we drove back to the house, I said, “I hope the fireworks didn’t scare Lightning.” He was asleep on his bed. He’s not scared of anything. Read more →

Celebrity Photos

 

We went to a comedy show at the Irvine Improv on Friday night. Gilbert Gottfried was the headliner. I happened to recognize one of the comedians, David Angelo, sitting in the back of the room before the show — I’m a fan of his work on Twitter and YouTube — and he was gracious enough to pose for a photo taken by my wife: Now you might say that’s not a very good photo, but it is recognizable as two human beings, which is more than you could say before I spent an hour working it over in Photoshop . . . Read more →

More Fun at Border Crossings

 

“Where are you folks from?” the border agent asks. “Irvine, California.” “How long were you in Canada?” “About half a day.” “Why such a short stay?” “We’re staying in Seattle for a few days and just came up for a visit.” “How do you like this cold weather?” “No big deal. I grew up in cold weather.” My son makes a sputtering noise in the back seat. “Is he okay?” the agent asks. “Well, unfortunately he’s got irreversible brain damage to his frontal lobes. We still love him though.” “Is anyone in the car carrying $10,000 or more in cash?” “American dollars or Canadian?” “American.” “I wish.” “Is that a yes or a no, sir?” “Sorry. No.” After we pass through the border check, the boy says in a mocking tone, “‘I grew up in cold weather.’ In La Mirada.” “La Mirada is subject to extreme temperature fluctations,” I reply.… Read more →

At the Dog Park

 

A pug (not mine) is humping a beagle . . . “You could have puggles,” I suggest to one of the owners, “except they’re both boys.” Read more →

We Caught a Break at Chili’s Last Night

 

We got to Chili’s around 8 o’clock last night but it was still very crowded. People were waiting outside. “How long is the wait?” I asked the hostess. “About 25 minutes.” I said to my posse, “I’d rather not wait 25 minutes but I could do it if I had to. What do you guys think?” My wife said, “Put our name on the list and we’ll talk about it outside.” “Paul — party of three.” The hostess gave me one of those devices that beep and light up when your table is ready. At the same time, a gentleman came up to the desk to turn in his device. “We can’t wait anymore,” he said. “Maybe you could give us his device,” I suggested after he left. “Where was he on the list?” She went down the list of names. “Second,” she said. “Yeah, I could do that.” “Thanks.”… Read more →

EppsNet at the Movies: Arthur Christmas

 

Now I know how Santa delivers all the presents in one night! By the way, if you like to avoid the crowds, Thanksgiving night is a great time to go to the movies! Everyone’s either in a food coma or resting up for Black Friday shopping. We went to the 9:30 show at the Irvine Marketplace. There was no ticket line, no one in the lobby, one girl working the box office and one at the snack bar. The box office girl had to work double because there was no ticket taker on duty. Instead of just selling the tickets and handing them to us, she also tore them in half and said, “You’re in Theater 2.” “We’re in Theater 2,” I repeated for the boy’s benefit. “Are you sure she didn’t say we’re the only two people in the theater?” he asked. Recommended! Read more →

Donald Bren Can Kiss My Ass

 

Look at this picture. Donald Bren is almost 80 and yet his face looks like a snare drum with eyes. Forbes has an interview with Bren — the billionaire chairman of the Irvine Company¬†— on how to fix up K-12 education: When state funding for Irvine public schools began to diminish some time ago, my Irvine Company colleagues helped me to provide private funding support . . . Additionally, we have developed annual teacher recognition and reward programs that provide financial awards for teachers who demonstrate outstanding results in educating our students. By making capital available for unfunded programs and providing a balanced curriculum and financial incentives to teachers based on results, Irvine Unified School District continues to rank among the finest educational systems in the nation . . . The interview goes on in this vein: I, I, I. Me, me, me. Donald Bren is kidding himself, along with… Read more →

Back to School 2011

 

Students of Irvine – I say to you what I used to say to my own kid: Do your best. Be a nice person. Let me know if you need any help. Read more →

Move-In Weekend

 

It’s Sunday night. We moved the boy in yesterday, had dinner with him tonight, and tomorrow morning, we’re going home without him. I’ve had some emotional ups and downs this weekend as I cross the gulf between youth and old age. I almost cried five or six times. I feel great about Berkeley. It’s a college town all the way. Men, women and children are decked out in Cal gear for miles around. We live in Irvine, which also has a UC campus, but it’s not the same atmosphere at all. “That’s because no one wants to go to UC Irvine,” the boy said. I feel good that he already knows some people. His best friend from high school is his dorm roommate. We met a couple of other high school classmates, one at a pizza place and one in the parking lot of the guest house. We met friends… Read more →

Japanese and Korean Are the Same Thing

 

My son and I are driving through the neighborhood . . . an Asian kid about 12 years old rides by on a scooter. He lives across the street from us but I almost didn’t recognize him because he’s got his hair lightened and highlighted. “Typical Japanese,” my son says. “Japanese kids like to highlight their hair?” “Yeah,” he says, like it’s an obvious question. “That kid is Korean, isn’t he?” “Same thing.” Read more →

Live Like a Jackass, Die Like a Jackass

 

To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree. The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him. I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass? Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party. One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed. The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man… Read more →

Prom Night

 

The Irvine high schools — Northwood and University — have prom tonight. Our boy goes to Northwood but he’s attending the Uni prom with a girl from that fine institution. I met her. She seems nice. She’s going to Stanford in the fall. Our boy is going to Cal. Opposites attract. Today is also the girl’s birthday, so the boy is paying for dinner. “Did you see a birth certificate or a drivers license verifying that today is really her birthday?” I ask him. “Not to suggest that women are looking to take advantage of a man if he lets his guard down, but did you see the birth certificate or drivers license?” Woodbridge and Irvine High — the weak links in the Irvine chain of education — may have prom tonight too, I don’t know. Nobody cares about those schools. Read more →

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