California Gov. Jerry Brown vetoed a state spending plan today (June 16) that would have deepened the cut in financial support for the University of California by another $150 million for the coming fiscal year. — University of California – UC Newsroom In principle, I like cuts in public education funding, but since I have a kid entering the University of California in the fall, I applaud Gov. Brown’s commitment to high-quality yet affordable education via the UC system. Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Kids
Graduation Still Life
Time passes. Listen. Time passes. . . . — Dylan Thomas, Under Milk Wood Unlike Paul Cézanne, I didn’t spend hours setting this up. I captured it just the way it looked when I came downstairs this morning. As one chapter ends, another begins. For the kids — most of them — the next chapter is college; for the parents, old age and death. Happy Thursday, everybody! Read more →
Pizza and Pessimism
“There’s a slice of pizza missing,” my son announces. When I got home from work, there were two slices left over from last night. I ate one and left one for him. “I calibrated my appetite for two slices,” he says. “The pessimist,” I say, “sees that there’s one slice missing. The optimist sees that there’s one slice left.” Read more →
Lasts
Last day of high school. Can’t believe it’s all over. No more “what’s due tomorrow?” The boy has a clock radio but he never sets it because he likes to sleep with the radio on. Yes, we probably should have made him get an alarm clock to encourage responsibility and self-reliance, but we didn’t. His mom and I have been waking him up for school for 13 years and this morning was the last time we’ll do that. Read more →
Shooting Hoops
I was thinking about my overall dad performance over the last 18 years. Did I do enough activities with the boy? My memory is playing tricks on me. I did do a lot of activities with him when he was younger, but as he got older, he did more things on his own and with his friends. MY GOD, WHAT IF I DIDN’T DO ENOUGH ACTIVITIES WITH HIM? “Hey, you wanna shoot some hoops?” I ask. “Okay,” he says. Read more →
Where Are You?
My wife wanted to send a text message — “Where are you?” — to our kid but sent it to one of his friends by mistake. The friend texted back, “Where am I supposed to be?” Read more →
Education Dollars at Work
My son, a high school senior, says, “Guess what I’m doing in school tomorrow?” I venture a guess: “Learning things.” “No. It’s actually a trick question. I’ve got a free period, then another free period, then a movie.” “I hope I’m getting a tax refund for this nonsense.” Read more →
Prom Night
The Irvine high schools — Northwood and University — have prom tonight. Our boy goes to Northwood but he’s attending the Uni prom with a girl from that fine institution. I met her. She seems nice. She’s going to Stanford in the fall. Our boy is going to Cal. Opposites attract. Today is also the girl’s birthday, so the boy is paying for dinner. “Did you see a birth certificate or a drivers license verifying that today is really her birthday?” I ask him. “Not to suggest that women are looking to take advantage of a man if he lets his guard down, but did you see the birth certificate or drivers license?” Woodbridge and Irvine High — the weak links in the Irvine chain of education — may have prom tonight too, I don’t know. Nobody cares about those schools. Read more →
Lasts
My kid played his last high school concert last night. The last piece was a mambo number that showcased the percussion section. People got a chance to see their musicianship, that they’re not just kids who hit things because they can’t play a real instrument. There were four Northwood groups performing, followed by an orchestra from Mt. SAC. It was a long program and we decided to leave after the last high school group. In the parking lot, a bus driver standing next to his vehicle asked us in an Eastern European accent, “Is the concert over?” “No,” I said. “There’s one more group.” “The college!” he said. “Right.” “I brought them!” he said proudly. “You not going to listen to them? They good!” He was almost beside himself with disbelief. “Yeah, no,” I said, “but thanks for making us feel bad about ourselves.” Read more →
Not Exactly Romeo and Juliet
A Facebook friend asks to me to vote for her friends Riq and Chantelle to win their dream wedding. Clicking through on this invitation, I learn that Chantelle is a teacher and Riq is a “tattoo’r.” From the provided photo, I’d say they’re both in their mid to late 20s. The reason they can’t afford to pay for their own wedding? They have five kids. I post a comment: they already have five kids?!?! Response: Previous marriages no judging! Just vote 🙂 Then this follow-up comment from someone I don’t know: By the way that was excellent advise [sic], we should indeed never prejudge, because people who prejudge only assume things and don’t get the facts straight. OK, this guy needs to get his shit together and calm down. I’m not “prejudging” anybody; I’m evaluating people’s mental stability (or lack thereof) based on their accumulated number of kids, spouses and… Read more →
Lasts
My kid plays his last high school hockey game(s) tonight — semis at 7, finals (maybe) around 9. Read more →
Play Ball
Motherf-ing Cats
My son comes back from watching African Cats for “field hours” . . . “How was the movie?” I ask. “Pretty good. Samuel L. Jackson was narrating it.” “He was? Did he say ‘Get these motherf-ing cats off this motherf-ing plain’?” “No.” “‘Plain’ — get it? A flat expanse of land?” Read more →
HW’s Book Reviews: Go the Fuck to Sleep
If you think saying “fuck” to a toddler is the funniest thing ever, and evidently a lot of people do judging from the rave reviews on Facebook, then you’ll love this book. SPOILER ALERT: The joke is that infants don’t have the same sleep patterns as grownups — ha ha — which is breaking news to this hapless unfit shithead of a parent, who spews page after page of rhymed obscenities at his child. I didn’t say “fuck” to my kid until he was a teenager, and even then it wasn’t to be funny. Seriously: Children are a gift from God and I don’t even believe in God. I love the time that my son and I were boys together more than I love anything. If you think there’s anything clever or funny about this book, please stay away from me . . . Read more →
Hard-Earned Wisdom
Once again, my kid and I are at the gas station where you can’t lock the pump handles in place and you have stand there and hold them. Except that thanks to our previous visit, he now knows how to keep the pump on by wedging the gas cap in the handle, so while everyone else is standing around holding pump handles, he’s sitting in the front seat next to me. “Look at everyone holding the pump handles,” I point out. “Don’t say I never improved your life by passing along my hard-earned wisdom.” “Holding the handle builds character,” he says. “So get out and hold it then. I don’t care. At least now you have options.” “Nah, I’ve already got enough character.” Read more →
Advice for the College Bound
HER: My son is going to be going off to college soon. It’s a big step for him. I hope he’s ready to make good decisions. HIM: When my daughter left for college, I gave her these simple words of advice: “Don’t get photographed sucking a dick.” HER: That sounds like excellent advice for your daughter, but it wouldn’t be of any help to my son. HIM: That’s not what I’ve heard. Read more →
Quick Thinking
My kid is in San Francisco with a Northwood High musical group. Among the chaperones is the school principal. We don’t like her. More on that later. “Avoid the temptation to push her in front of a cable car,” I advised the boy. “Why?” he asked. “Well . . .” Now I had to think of something. “Because her fat ass would derail the thing, costing innocent people their lives.” Read more →
Four Months Left
We went to a Cal reception for incoming freshmen. Move-in day is mid-August. That’s four months from now. The reality of what’s happening here is starting to grab me by the throat . . . Read more →
I Won’t Be Living Here Anymore
Somewhere in America, a boy — a high school senior, college bound — says to his mom, “You don’t need to renew my magazine subscriptions because I won’t be living here anymore.” His mom, who already knows this but is momentarily stunned by the clarity of it, starts to say, “When you have a three-day weekend, come and visit us” but can’t get through it without crying . . . Read more →
Everything Must Be Replaced
Uh oh, it looks like the wireless connection here at EppsNet headquarters just went down . . . “NOTHING MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN AN UNRELIABLE NETWORK CONNECTION!” my son yells. “WE NEED A NEW ROUTER! WE NEED A NEW MODEM! WE NEED A NEW SERVICE PROVIDER! WE NEED NEW COMPUTERS!” “We don’t need new computers,” his mom says. “YES WE DO!” Read more →