EppsNet Archive: Kids

Answer Up or Die

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Sometimes I’ll say something to my son, who’s 16 now, ask him a question . . . I know he’s heard me but he doesn’t answer. So I wait or I ask him again, and when I do get an answer, I can’t understand it because he’s mumbling. Someone was telling me that she works with a boy whose mother shot all of his siblings. Why didn’t she shoot him too, you ask? I don’t know — out of ammo? To be sure, killing your own children is taking things too far, but I’ll bet you that boy answers up promptly when his mom says something to him . . . Read more →

Soft Drinks

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It seems like there always someone trying to put a damper on my enjoyment of super-size soft drinks . . . “Soda is bad for your brain,” my son says. “The brain is mostly water and soda dehydrates it.” “How does soda dehydrate my brain,” I ask, “considering that soda is mostly water?” “I don’t have all the facts on that,” he says. So at least he’s honest. “If you don’t mind,” I say, “I’m going to keep drinking the sodas until you have them.” Read more →

Frozen Yogurt

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I like to wrap up my visits to Souplantation with a serving of frozen yogurt but I can’t today because the yogurt machine is out of service. My son is unsympathetic. “If you want yogurt,” he says, “you go to Yogurtland. If you want soup and plants, you come to Souplantation.” Read more →

An Impersonal Recommendation

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I had a 40-percent-off coupon for Borders that expired today so we stopped by to see if they had any good computer books in stock, which they did. At the checkout, the woman asked me if I’d like to get a recommendation for a novel. “Yeah sure,” I said. I was pretty excited about the idea because I thought they’d look at my purchase history and figure out something I might enjoy. Instead she recommended Home by Marilynne Robinson, which was displayed on the counter right in front of me. “Are you recommending that just for me,” I asked, “or you recommend it to everyone?” “We recommend it to everyone,” she said. What a sham! “I’m going to pass on that,” I said. “There really hasn’t been a good female novelist since Jane Austen.” My son, who was standing next to me, added, “And even she was kind of boring.” Read more →

11th Grade Reading List

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My son and I went to Barnes and Noble in Irvine this weekend to buy the books on his 11th grade Euro Lit reading list: A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf, Candide by Voltaire, One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and The Stranger by Albert Camus. “Have you read any of these books?” I asked the checkout girl. “I’ve read Candide and Pride and Prejudice,” she said. “Candide is fun. Virginia Woolf is kind of a downer though, isn’t she? Didn’t she kill herself? “She did,” the girl admitted. “Doesn’t that set a bad example for the kids?”   The Irvine store didn’t have the edition of Ivan Denisovich that the boy needed but the guy at customer service was able to call around and find a copy at the Aliso Viejo store. The boy was beside… Read more →

Things I Love to Do on a Hot Summer Evening

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My son’s going into 11th grade next week. He’s got a couple of honors classes, a couple of AP classes, Spanish 3 and a music class. It looks like a very tough schedule to me — he’s also got college entrance exams this year — but that’s where his academic history has brought him and he says he wants to do it. One thing I didn’t know about AP classes is that they start giving kids assignments during summer vacation. He’s working on ’em right now! He asked me for a little help on the physics assignment so I get to do two things I love to do on a hot summer evening: sip premium tequila on ice with a lime, and solve problems like this: A kangaroo jumps to a vertical height of 2.7m. How long is it in the air before returning to Earth? Oh I’m in heaven! Read more →

Comfortable With Our Stupid Children

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Researchers have found that generic American parents, faced with a child who can’t do math or science, will say “Don’t worry, Johnny, because you have so many other talents.” Asian parents, supposedly, will say “Since you aren’t apparently naturally gifted at math or science you’ll have to study extra hard in these areas,” and not stop nagging until the kid is doing well. — Philip Greenspun Read more →

Matchup Problems

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My 15-year-old kid has created a custom NBA 2K9 roster consisting entirely of 7-foot-11 point guards. “It creates some real matchup problems,” he says. Read more →

Microwave Instructions

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“There are no microwave instructions,” my son says, looking over a frozen pizza box. I say, “You want microwave instructions? Put it in the oven and turn it on. Aren’t those pretty much the microwave instructions for anything?” Read more →

Twitter: 2009-07-29

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Judgmental people suck # My 16yo son's visiting cousins in Australia. He tells his mom to stop calling every day. “People will think I’m a baby.” # Read more →

Twitter: 2009-07-28

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A Lesson in Mystique: http://bit.ly/p0zCr # Called my boy to say Happy Birthday. It's not till tomorrow but he's in Australia, where it's already tomorrow. # Read more →

My Son Turned 16 Abroad

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I called my son to wish him a Happy 16th Birthday. His birthday is actually tomorrow but he’s in Australia visiting his cousins for a couple of weeks and in Australia, it’s tomorrow already. When I called, he was at a train station with his cousin Lizzie — well, I’ve always called her Lizzie but she’s 19 now and may prefer Liz. They were waiting for the train to go to Bondi Beach for the day. Happy birthday kid. Miss you . . . Read more →

A Different Person

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Our son’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins . . . I’m talking to people at LAX in a fake Australian accent. My Australian accent is not all that tight except on words with a long “a” sound, which I replace with a long “i” sound, e.g., “mate” becomes “mite.” “Sorry, mite,” I say, as I roll a suitcase over a gentleman’s foot. “Did you just say what I thought you said?” my son asks. “When you travel,” I explain, “you can be a whole different person.” We take the bags over to the baggage scanner. I know we don’t have to wait for them but since “wait” has a long “a” sound, I ask the woman, “Do I ‘ave to white?” “No,” she says. “Jus’ drope i’ oaf then?” I ask. “Yes,” she says. Read more →

International Cuisine

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We’re dropping our 15-year-old son off at LAX. He’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins. He’s explaining his theory of international cuisine, which is that there’s not going to be any Mexican food in Australia because there are no Mexicans in Australia. On the other hand, they probably have New Zealand food that those of us in the States have never heard about. “That’s why it’s important to travel,” I say, “so you can learn about things like that. Or you could just stay home and watch the Travel Channel.” Read more →

My Son Says He Needs a New Watch

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As we’re passing a watch shop in the Buffalo airport, my son, age 15, says, “That reminds me — I need a new watch.” I say, “Why do you need a new watch? When we were getting my watch, you told me you already had a cool watch.” “When was that?” “I don’t remember but it wasn’t that long ago.” “I didn’t say my watch was cool,” he says. “I just said your watch was lame.” Read more →

Anatomy is Destiny

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My wife’s explaining to our boy how she managed to pass a driving test and get a license without ever taking a driving lesson: “I drove in Thailand and when I came over here I just took the test. I’m pretty charming. People like happy, smiling people. And when I was young, I was cute. The examiner just said, ‘okayokayokay.’ I hate to say it, but when you’re good looking, you get the benefit.” Read more →

Airline Safety

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As we’re waiting for the plane to leave the gate, my son’s looking over the airline safety brochure, which shows multiple scenarios of people sliding to safety out of a downed plane — onto grass, into water, etc. He says, “None of these things is going to work if the plane is going–” here he makes a plummeting motion with his hand, along with a plummeting sound effect. “The plane is on the ground in those pictures,” I say. “You’re not supposed to slide out of the plane while it’s still in the air.” “I know. I’m saying there’s no solution if the plane actually crashes.” “That’s right. Do you want to get off?” Read more →

A Long Story About a Chair

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Our hotel room has a bedroom, where I sleep, and a living area with a pull-out sofa where my son sleeps. Between the rooms is a door that I close at night when I go to bed. I got up this morning, opened the door and almost fell over a desk chair that shouldn’t have been there. “Why’s this chair set up here like a barricade?” I asked my son. “It’s a long story,” he said. “Really? What’s the story?” “We were talking in the lobby last night and Ian got in trouble with his dad for being out of the room so late. Chris couldn’t sleep in his room because his mom and dad had some guests come by so he was going to sleep in Ian’s room but then he didn’t want to because Ian was in trouble so he came in here. He was going to sleep… Read more →

NARCh – Day 4

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The Devil Dogs would have liked to be playing today but weren’t after last night’s 2-1 quarterfinal defeat to the Cougars. In the semifinals, the #5 seed Cougars got smoked 6-1 by the #2 seed Detroit Mission Stars 92, while the #1 seed Adrenaline, another Michigan team, beat the #6 seed ISCA Grizzlies from New Jersey 10-4. In the final, the Stars beat Adrenaline 5-2 to win the gold medal. As the highest-seeded semifinal loser, the Cougars earned the bronze medal.   Everyone who’s played a sport for a while has been on the wrong end of last-minute losses. If you can’t take the occasional tough loss, you always have the option of not playing the sport. But I have to admit that the coaching decisions at the end of last night’s game are going to haunt me for a while. Putting the wrong team on the rink in the… Read more →

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