My son suggests that we buy some red wheels for the SUV to match the color of the vehicle. “How much would that cost?” my wife asks. “I don’t know,” I say. “A lot of money.” “But it’d be the pimpingest pimp sauce thing you could ever do,” the boy replies. That’s what Ed McMahon’s financial adviser used to say when Ed said, “Are you kidding?! The only way I could afford that is to work till I’m 90!” Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
It’s Not Easy Being Green
“If we shortened our showers by one minute, we’d save $100 a year,” my son informs me, pausing for a moment to let the news sink in. “And if we shortened our showers by two minutes, we’d save $200 a year. If we didn’t take showers at all, we could be rich! “As for the AC, we leave it off and everybody gets one of those personal fans and points it at their face.” “Why don’t we get the old-fashioned fold-out fans and wave them back and forth?” I ask. “Now that’s just stupid,” he says. Read more →
Hockey Practice
I was watching my son’s roller hockey practice last weekend . . . during a scrimmage, he skated the puck up the rink, faked the goalie to the right, then snapped a shot into the top left corner of the net. “Oh my gosh!” I yelled to anyone within earshot. “Just like I taught him!” A few minutes later, he got a pass in front of the net and one-timed it so high and hard that if not for the protective netting around the top of the rink, I don’t know where it would have come down. “I didn’t teach him that,” I said. Read more →
Cool Gadgets You Can’t Get
His mom and I are trying to get the boy to log off the computer and go to bed. “Hang on,” he says, “I’m looking at a PC World thing.” “What is it?” I ask. “’10 Cool Gadgets You Can’t Get in the U.S.’” “If you can’t get them in the U.S., what do you care?” “They’re cool. Don’t forget about that part.” His mom is running out of patience. “Oh, am I steaming,” she says. The boy’s still looking at the computer. “Mmmm . . . cool,” he says. Read more →
That’s What You Think
My son’s on spring break this week. Today he spent the day with a friend volunteering at the local Boys and Girls Club. “I was watching kids for seven-and-a-half hours!” he says. I say, “I’ve been watching a kid for 15 years.” “Yeah, well, I’m a lot easier.” Read more →
A Couple of Tips on Bad Parenting
1. Give your son a fashionable name like Tanner, Braden or Travis. You can handicap a child for life with a goofy name. You can give him a sorry start from which he’ll never recover. By the way, you know what’s a good name? Paul. Paul is a name that’s stood the test of time. It dates back to the Bible . . . Tanner is not even a name. Braden is not a name. Travis is a name, but it’s a hillbilly name, like Zeke. If you’re tempted to name your boy Travis, go ahead and name him Zeke. 2. Use up your moral authority on things of no importance. I was in Subway this afternoon and heard a man telling his kids, “No soda. You’ve had too much soda lately.” It turns out by soda, he meant cola, because he let the kids fill up their drinks with… Read more →
Breakfast at EppsNet
“The breakfast was overheated,” my son says to his mom. The boy is 14 years old. I say, “Thanks, Mr. Old-Enough-To-Fix-His-Own-Breakfast-But-Still-Lets-Others-Do-It-Then-Criticizes-Them.” “It was constructive criticism,” he says. Read more →
Obvious
Headline from OCFamily.com: TEEN PREGNANCY: What Parents Can Do to Prevent It Don’t have sex with teenagers? Read more →
Slipping Away
We may work more hours at our jobs without realizing that the childhood of our sons and daughters is slipping away. Sometimes these doors close too slowly for us to see them vanishing. — Dan Ariely Read more →
Wasted Years
My 14-year-old son informs me that he is not “wasting his years” the way I am . . . “Is that what I’m doing?” I ask. “‘Wasting my years’? How am I wasting my years? Taking care of you?” “My years are fully utilized and non-refundable,” he says. “You’re a schmo.” “Meanwhile, you’re wasting your years, calling people schmoes.” Read more →
I Have a Dream About Bananas
“Look at the color of this banana,” my son says as he takes it out of the refrigerator. “It’s black.” “I think it’s still okay,” I tell him. “It’s not the color of the skin that’s important . . .” ” . . . it’s the content of its character,” he jumps in. Read more →
Changes of Life
My wife asks our son, “Why do you have to argue about everything?” “I’m stubborn,” he says. “It’s all part of puberty.” “Well, I’m getting old,” she says, “and part of that is I’m not going to put up with a lot of nonsense.” Read more →
Wives of Spanking Husbands Club
From the front page of the Los Angeles Times 70 years ago today, Jan. 26, 1938: Wives of Spanking Husbands Form Girls’ Auxiliary to Club SIOUX FALLS (S. D.) Jan. 25 (AP) — Wives of Spanking Husbands’ Club, organized in Sioux City, Iowa, and parent organization of fifty-nine such clubs throughout the nation according to its own figures–reached out for another slice of territory today. The Iowa housewives who consider it a mark of esteem for their husbands to wield a disciplinary hairbrush once in a while, announced plans today for a junior auxiliary–Daughters of Spanking Parents. ELIGIBLE GIRLS A letter received here from Sioux City and signed “Rita Rae, general delivery,” told of plans for the new organization for which she claimed an initial membership of seventeen. Any girl above the age of 11 years is eligible to join, Mrs. Rae wrote. “We think all parents should spank their… Read more →
Fruit Pickers
“Look at those guys,” my son says. “They’re all wearing ponchos and it’s not even raining.” “Well, it was raining,” I say, “and it may rain again. There’s an old saying in the fruit picking business: It’s better to have a poncho and not need it than to need a poncho and not have it. Think about it.” “Why do I need to think about it?” “Because it didn’t seem to make much of an impact on you. Want me to say it again?” “No.” Read more →
Blame Roger Goodell
My son’s explanation to his mom on why he can’t turn off Madden 2008 like she asked him to: I can’t stop in the middle of a game. Roger Goodell has not sent me a notice that we can do that. Unless there’s a weather delay or fans throwing things on the field, which there isn’t, so that can’t happen. Read more →
A Christmas Story
One of the cable stations had a 24-hour A Christmas Story marathon. I’ve never understood the mania some people have about this movie. I mean, it’s a nice movie, but 12 consecutive showings?! Anyway, my son turned on the 10 p.m. showing last night and we all watched it. My wife fell asleep as she often does watching movies, but the boy enjoyed it. Merry Christmas to everyone who’s taken the time to read this site over the past year. Read more →
Absolute Rule
My wife asks our son, “Would you do me a favor and take the trash out?” “Wow,” the boy replies in disbelief. “And they called Caesar an absolute ruler.” Read more →
The Conversationalist
As I’m driving my son home from hockey practice, I start the conversation by saying, “So . . . looked like a good practice.” Silence . . . “I said, ‘Looked like a good practice.’” “That wasn’t a question,” the boy replies. Read more →
Father-Son Greeting Cards
This is screamingly funny in an unfunny way . . . An Irvine man has started up a greeting card company specializing in father-to-son cards: Founder, Steve Cunningham, a father of four could not find masculine cards written with the right message for his boys. During his travels, or when away for long periods, he often wanted to send a card conveying “I’m thinking of you” or perhaps express an uplifting word of encouragement, motivation, or proud of you. After endless searches on-line and in countless retail outlets, Steve begged the question… why is so little attention paid to men, particularly fathers who play an invaluable roll in the development of their children? OK, first of all, Steve is an idiot. He’s got a less-than-rudimentary command of the English language, but like many incompetent people, is unaware of his own incompetence, and thus doesn’t hire a copy editor to clean… Read more →
A Taxonomy of Freaks
My son’s playing a game of Madden ’08 . . . “I’m playing linebacker,” he says. “I’m a physical FREAK!” “What other kind of freak is there?” I ask. “I don’t know,” he says. Read more →