EppsNet Archive: Super Bowl

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Second-Guessers

8 Feb 2016 /
Super Bowl 50

I spent my lunch hour listening to co-workers second guess the Panthers offensive play-calling in yesterday’s Super Bowl. I don’t like second-guessers, for a couple of reasons.

  1. Once a game is over, it’s easy to say the team that lost should have done something different. Feel free to advance any theory you want since there’s no way to wind back the clock and falsify it. It’s like taking a test when you already know the answers. It gives you an opportunity to make yourself sound smarter than the people who had to take the test without knowing the answers.
  2. What are the odds that someone with his fat ass parked on a sofa watching the game really came up with a better play-calling strategy than the coaching staff of a team with 17 wins and 1 loss?

Super Bowl 50: The Cam Newton Karma Game

7 Feb 2016 /
Super Bowl 50

You probably know people like Cam Newton, co-workers maybe, who like to call attention to themselves — Look at me! Look what I did! — and like to rub your nose in it when things aren’t going well for you.

I don’t like people like that.

I don’t think a choreographed activity has to take place every time you make a first down. I saw a game this year where Newton threw a screen pass to a receiver, who ran 50 yards with it for a touchdown. Newton ran all the way to the end zone to perform a choreographed celebration, not with his teammates, but standing all by himself. Look at me! And he really hadn’t done anything. He threw a screen pass.

He came out for Super Bowl warm-ups wearing gold cleats. Look at me! I’m wearing gold cleats! After the game, he ungraciously answered a handful of questions, then walked out of the room. That’s inappropriate. If you want to call attention to yourself when things are going good for you, be willing to take the negative attention when you suck.

I recommend that he develop some choreographed activities for losing, for interceptions and for fumbles that lead to touchdowns for the other team . . . like an Oopsie Face, or rotating his fists in front of his eyes like he’s wiping away imaginary tears . . .

Final Score: Broncos 24, Panthers 10.


Yes, I’m Ready for the Big Game!

1 Feb 2015 /

People keep asking me, “Lightning, are you ready for the Big Game?” OF COURSE I’M READY FOR THE BIG GAME! Look at me … how could I be any more ready than I already am?!

P.S. Wake me up if there are any pug commercials this year.

— Lightning paw

Lightning 2015-02-01


The 12th Man

17 Feb 2014 /
CenturyLink Field, home of the Seattle Seahawks

The home crowd of the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks is known as The 12th Man. Isn’t this awfully sexist? Doesn’t it marginalize female Seahawk fans? Wouldn’t The 12th Person be a more appropriate appellation?

I’m surprised there isn’t more outrage over this. It seems like the kind of thing that someone should be really bent out of shape about.


Replacement Refs Are Just What the Sport Needs

25 Sep 2012 /
Replacement Refs

I hope the NFL keeps replacement refs around forever. I hope they bring in a new batch of them every season. I hope they bring in replacement refs for the replacement refs.

Why do people think the “real” refs are actually good? Was last night’s Seattle-Green Bay game really worse than the “Tuck Rule”? Was it worse than 2006 when the “real” refs cost the Seahawks the Super Bowl?

Sports fans are the biggest cretins on the planet. When their team wins, they gloat, usually in the first person: We won! We beat those guys!

There are no bigger mental and emotional retards than people who refer to sports teams in the first person. It’s an inability to separate fantasy from reality. (Imagine a Roger Federer fan screaming, “I just won Wimbledon!”

When ther team loses, they blame it on one of two things: 1) Bad coaching; 2) Bad officiating.

Replacement refs play right into #2. It’s perfect. Every jackass fan now has a built-in excuse as to why his team lost.

The NFL will be more popular than ever.


Saints 31, Colts 17

7 Feb 2010 /

OK, but I’m more of a college football fan so here’s a picture of Reggie Bush at USC:

Reggie Bush


EppsNet Music Review: Springsteen Halftime Show

2 Feb 2009 /
Greetings from Asbury Park album cover

What year did Asbury Park come out — 1973? Man, that was a great album. So Springsteen must be what now — 60?

He looks great, with his hair transplants and cosmetic surgery, shilling his new album on the Bridgestone Halftime Show.

Bruce Springsteen — authentic blue-collar friend of the American working man!

I couldn’t even watch it . . .