When did it become so imperative for sports pundits to make predictions on every goddamn game? Predictions are like assholes — everybody’s got one and they’re all full of shit. Give me some insight if you have some, but spare me the fucking picks! We may as well listen to people guess how many jellybeans are in the 10-gallon jar. Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People Who “Rescued” Their Dog How did you rescue it? Run into a burning warehouse? Punch a bear in the face? No — you got the dog at the pound because you’re too cheap to buy one. Read more →
Whitewater Adventures are for Pussies, or: A Rube in a Tube
A man from West Plains, Mo., has been found dead floating in the Meramec River after he disappeared from a tubing trip. Gregory L. Spurling, 55, was pronounced dead at about 12:50 a.m. Monday in Crawford County. — stltoday.com Kudos to Gregory L. Spurling, formerly of West Plains, Mo. — a real American! Frankly, I’m sick of these soft yuppie bastards who pay big money for “whitewater adventures” and pass themselves off as thrillseekers. Those trips are no more dangerous than a raft ride at Disney World. Riding down a river in an inner tube — now that’s excitement! You might die! Especially if your judgment’s been impaired by the consumption of alcohol. Don’t forget the sunscreen! Read more →
Some of You Pricks Should Be Billionaires
Disagreeable Men Earn More Than Nice Guys — Harvard Business Review Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
John Astin – actor Bill Dana – actor Fats Domino – rock and roll pioneer Don Larsen – baseball player, NY Yankees Bill Macy – actor Roger Mudd – TV journalist Della Reese – singer, actress Dale Robertson – actor Mickey Rooney – actor Jerry Van Dyke – actor Bill Virdon – baseball manager Earl Weaver – baseball manager, Baltimore Orioles Updates Bill Dana – died 6/15/2017, age 92 Fats Domino – died 10/25/2017, age 89 Don_Larsen – died 1/1/2020, age 90 Bill Macy – died 10/17/2019, age 97 Roger Mudd – died 3/9/2021, age 93 Della Reese – died 11/19/2017, age 86 Dale Robertson – died 2/26/2013, age 89 Mickey Rooney – died 4/6/2014, age 93 Jerry Van Dyke – died 1/5/2018, age 86 Earl Weaver – died 1/18/2013, age 82 Read more →
I’ve Got an Idea for a TV Show
MEXICO (PIX11) — Mexican drug traffickers are abducting bus passengers and forcing them to fight each other like gladiators according to published reports. The winners of the fights are then ordered to become assassins. — Mexican Cartel Force Gladiator Fights and Suicide Missions – WPIX This would make GREAT television! I’m pitching it as a reality show/game show hybrid. Working title: Who Wants to be a Mexican Hit Man? Read more →
Live Like a Jackass, Die Like a Jackass
To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree. The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him. I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass? Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party. One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed. The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who say “myself” instead of “me,” as in “It’s a failure for myself losing to the Mavericks.” Read more →
HW’s Book Reviews: Go the Fuck to Sleep
If you think saying “fuck” to a toddler is the funniest thing ever, and evidently a lot of people do judging from the rave reviews on Facebook, then you’ll love this book. SPOILER ALERT: The joke is that infants don’t have the same sleep patterns as grownups — ha ha — which is breaking news to this hapless unfit shithead of a parent, who spews page after page of rhymed obscenities at his child. I didn’t say “fuck” to my kid until he was a teenager, and even then it wasn’t to be funny. Seriously: Children are a gift from God and I don’t even believe in God. I love the time that my son and I were boys together more than I love anything. If you think there’s anything clever or funny about this book, please stay away from me . . . Read more →
People Who Died Last Week
It was a busy week for the Grim Reaper . . . Seve Ballesteros, golfer Osama bin Laden Jackie Cooper, actor Arthur Laurents, playwright. Wrote West Side Story, among other things. David Mason, trumpeter. Played the trumpet solo on “Penny Lane.” Sada Thompson, actress. Played Kate Lawrence on Family. Dana Wynter, actress. That’s her in the photo, from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who name their daughter Khloe. Or any other name starting with a K that really should start with a C. But especially Khloe. Read more →
HW’s Exercise of the Day
Deadlifts, fuckers. I did five sets of ’em yesterday and I can barely walk. No pain, no gain. Read more →
Serious People Don’t Ski
Five men, including three prominent Long Beach community and business leaders, were killed and one person seriously injured Wednesday when their Salt Lake City-bound plane crashed along a runway at Long Beach Airport and burst into flames. The group of six were on their way to ski in Park City, Utah, friends said. — Los Angeles Times I think we’ve covered this before but there are certain key indicators in life that you are not a serious person and one of those indicators is that you take ski trips. And it’s a key indicator squared if you’re a grown man and you take ski trips with other grown men. Did Napoleon take ski vacations with his buddies? No, he didn’t. Did Winston Churchill take ski vacations? Did Einstein take ski vacations? Did Jesus take ski vacations? So on the bright side, it’s not like promising lives have been cut short… Read more →
Shelvin
Did You Know? Shelvin Mack has brothers named Floorin, Roofin and Drywall. Read more →
Shelvin and Nasir
Regarding bonehead fouls in the last two seconds of the Pittsburgh-Butler game, I don’t look for guys named Shelvin or Nasir to make heady decisions in the clutch . . . Read more →
Pet Peeve of the Day
People who drive my car and leave the radio on full volume so the next time I start the car I get blasted out of my gourd. It’s like a goddamn bomb going off . . . Read more →
Anne Frank
As I’ve said before, it continues to amaze me how many people around the world have been touched by the life of this one girl . . . I have seen the movie about Anne Frank and I was very emotional and hurt it was very hard to watch this movie the things they had to go through it makes you think twice as hard what if it was my family we take things for granted Anne Frank didn’t have a chance to have a family of her own go to the movies stay up late getting married every aspect of life what she had she cherished with all the love for everything she had this situation with race needs to stop we all bleed the same colour unless we have aliens or robot blood among us or those who choose to judge all races To me Anne Frank was… Read more →
The Worst Week Ever
According to MSN, Charlie Sheen just had the worst week ever. Yeah, all he’s got left is money, fame and hookers. My heart is breaking for this asshole. Read more →
We Are All Wisconsiners Now!
Wisconsin has figured out a way to get all of its Democratic legislators to flee the state without so much as a BRB. How can we expand this nationwide? Elected officials hiding out in undisclosed locations to prevent a quorum should wake everyone up to the extent to which public employee unions control our political destiny. I have three words for the “sick” teachers in Wisconsin: Air Traffic Controllers. We live in a top-notch school district in Irvine but it’s not because the teachers are so great. It’s the effort of the kids and the support of their families. Even in a good district, the teachers are very replaceable. You’ll have to take my word for it but I could easily teach English, math or computer science at the high school level, even though I’m not government-certified to do so, and there are plenty of people in Wisconsin who could… Read more →
Three Words for Teachers
The state’s largest school district has joined those that have canceled classes due to teacher shortages caused by union protests at the state Capitol. — MPS Closed: Milwaukee Public Schools closed for Friday – WITI I’ve got three words for protesting teachers in Wisconsin: Air Traffic Controllers. Read more →