Here’s a simple presentation tip that would help a lot of people: Get to the fucking point. At a meeting this morning, the company sick time policy was explained to 100 people over the course of 30 minutes time via two PowerPoint presentations by two different people. I’ll summarize it here: If you’re well enough to work, you should come to work. If not, stay home. BUT — if you stay home too much, it may negatively affect your annual performance review. That’s the policy. Let’s open it up for questions. Don’t take 15 minutes to say something you can say in 15 seconds. Don’t feel like you have to include a historical introduction to the topic, charts, graphs, trends, industry comparisons. Other people are not in love with the sound of your voice the way you are . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
There Are Good Places to Hike Right Here in America
TEHRAN, Iran (CNN) — Iran confirmed Tuesday the arrest of three American hikers who crossed into the country from neighboring Iraq and said they have been charged with “illegal entry,” a semi-official news agency reported. — Iran confirms U.S. hikers arrested for ‘illegal entry’ – CNN.com When you hear about people doing something pointless and stupid — and not just pointless and stupid but elaborately pointless and stupid — like traveling halfway around the world to take a frigging hike along the border of a totalitarian regime that hates Americans, don’t you secretly hope that something bad will happen to them? So do I . . . Read more →
John Hughes, 1950-2009
Very sad news. Love him or hate him, you had to admire his originality as a filmmaker. An openly gay man known for his pencil-thin mustache . . . wait, what?! John Hughes died? Oh, he was TERR-ible! Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — worst movie I ever saw! For a moment there I thought you said John Waters had died . . . Read more →
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up!
RAPID CITY, S.D. (AP) — Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler was airlifted to a hospital after falling from stage during a concert at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in western South Dakota. — MSN Music News Hey Steve — maybe life is trying to tell you something. Let’s listen closely and see if we can hear what it is . . . YOU’RE OLD! Stop trying to suck every last dollar out of your former glory and retire, you geriatric bastard . . . Read more →
Emotional Rescue
The two American journalists imprisoned for five months by North Korea came home to a tear-filled airport reunion with their families Wednesday morning following a dramatic rescue mission led by former President Bill Clinton. In June, the North Korean government sentenced the journalists, who work for former Vice President Al Gore’s Current TV cable channel, to 12 years of hard labor for illegally entering the country. — Daily News I don’t know . . . these gals look very emotional to me. Emotional women are hard to live with. Or so I’ve heard. I’m sure the husbands are happy to have them back though . . . Read more →
Profiling??? PRO-filing?!??!
It took less than a day for the arrest of Henry Louis Gates to become racial lore. When one of America’s most prominent black intellectuals winds up in handcuffs, it’s not just another episode of profiling — it’s a signpost on the nation’s bumpy road to equality. If this man can be taken away by police officers from the porch of his own home, what does it say about the treatment that average blacks can expect in 2009? — Jesse Washington, AP National Writer [In Jim Mora voice]: Profiling??? You kidding me? PRO-filing?!??! “Profiling” implies an absence of facts or evidence. It means “I’m targeting you for suspicion simply because you’re black and therefore more likely to be engaged in criminal activity.” That’s not what happened here. A police officer responded to a 911 call reporting two black males breaking into a house. When he arrived, he found a black… Read more →
Fat Guys on Planes
Make them pay for two seats. If they’re in a middle seat, make them pay for three seats. Then let other passengers have those seats for free if they want them, keeping in mind that the fat guy is going to spill over into your seat, invading your personal space, pinning you in awkward positions and stabbing you with his bristling arm hair. He may even listen to music on his iPod and do a little fat man dance in his — and your — seat, wobbling around like fat hairy jello. But you’re flying for free! You still want it? Read more →
Why I Don’t Go to Sandra Bullock Movies
Some of the hockey moms here at the tournament went to see The Proposal and are giving it rave reviews — “Classic Sandra Bullock!” Blah blah blah . . . “Sandra Bullock used to be pretty cute,” I say, “but now she looks like a guy, don’t you think?” “Are you kidding?! For 45, she looks amazing!” When I unscrunch my hard-earned dollar bills to see a movie, I want more than “looks good for 45.” I can get “looks good for 45” at home . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Adventurers Jonny Copp, a well-known mountain climber and adventurer who grew up in Fullerton, has been found dead on the side of Mount Edgar, China, the apparent victim of an avalanche, according to a variety of websites, including his own. — Orange County Register Three words that come to mind when I hear someone introduced as an “adventurer”: Die, die, die . . . Read more →
Keeping the Magic Alive
I went to a 50th wedding anniversary mass today. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead at such a thing but in this case the husband and wife also happen to be my parents so not only was I there, I was there bright and early to hand out programs. Fifty years! How do a man and a woman celebrate with each other such longevity and perseverance? Honey, I want to say something to you tonight that I’ve never said before, although I’ve had it in my heart for many, many years. Three little words . . . . . . let’s try anal . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed–who never would be missed! — W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado People who use the word “bandwidth” to mean “time,” as in “I’ll see if Sally has the bandwidth to handle that.” Analog signals have bandwidth, communication channels have bandwidth . . . people don’t have bandwidth. Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People “complaining” about their busy lives. Cancel some activities and shut the hell up. Read more →
Drinking in the Morning
Drinking in the morning has an undeservedly bad reputation . . . Of course, it’s a three-day holiday weekend and if I want to start the day by enlivening an otherwise ordinary glass of cola with a splash of tequila, that’s nobody’s business but mine. But I also think that on weekdays, most workplaces would be more interesting and fun if people had a glass or two of wine before coming in to the office . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who run a family business and call it, for example, Dawson & Dawson. That’s stupid. Call it The Dawson Company. Or Dawson, Inc. What if another family member joins the business? Do you rename it Dawson, Dawson & Dawson? The only acceptable reason for doing this is if the people involved are completely unrelated but both happen to be named Dawson. Read more →
Kelly McGillis is GAY?!
‘Top Gun’s’ McGillis ‘done with the man thing’ — msnbc.com Wow . . . she’ll make a nice tuna sandwich for some lucky lesbo. I remember when I saw her naked in Witness. I had an erection lasting more than four hours and had to call my doctor. He said don’t worry about it, he had the same thing . . . Read more →
Katie Couric Eating a Tuna Sandwich
Katie Couric talks about Twitter: I don’t think anybody gives a rat’s ass whether I am about to eat a tuna sandwich. I don’t even care. Some of it is so inane and narcissistic and bizarre I don’t quite get it. I don’t know why anyone would want to read it, much less why I would want to write it. Unless “tuna sandwich” is a code phrase for “vagina.” In that case, I’d be very interested to read about Katie Couric eating a tuna sandwich . . . Read more →
The Bumstead Maneuver
On weekends, I’m the king of the sofa at my house. Let me tell you, there’s lazy, and then there’s Sofa King lazy, and I’m the latter. I nap in one of two positions: facing the front of the sofa or on my back. Lately I’ve been thinking about adding a new weapon to my arsenal — the Bumstead Maneuver, as popularized by Dagwood Bumstead. You can see from the illustration that Bumstead is actually taking a nap facing the back of the sofa! Blogging experts recommend posing a question in your posts, in order to artificially engage the readership, so here goes . . . Does anyone have any thoughts, pro or con, on adding the Bumstead Maneuver to my repertoire? Read more →
An Absolute Pleasure
I’m reading a recommendation on LinkedIn, written by a person I know for another person I know. Unbeknownst to the vast majority of people who’ll read the recommendation, these two people used to date each other. I know I’m a bad person but I can’t help mentally adding “…in bed” to the end of each sentence. Try it: Cleopatra is an absolute pleasure to work with. While working together, I found her to be a consummate professional. Clearly, her keen attention to detail is without equal. . . . You get the idea . . . Read more →
Another Reason Why All the Great Scientists (Except Marie Curie) Are Men
Two women are talking in the lunch room. One is wearing a black pullover sweater. The other woman says, “I like your sweater.” “Thanks. It’s long, so it covers my ass.” “That’s what I like about it. Not that it covers your ass, but that it would cover my ass.” I’m speechless . . . The sweater isn’t covering her ass, her pants are covering her ass, and the sweater is covering the pants! It’s a total misread of the geometry of the situation! Read more →
Two Bright Spots in the Recessionary Landscape
Fewer kids in day care More women in porno Read more →