I’ve learned a lot from James Bach, but when I looked at his new blog , I couldn’t get past this sentence: I had no idea Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, was such an interesting thinker. Jack Welch!? Really?! Jack Welch is Satan in a suit . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
HW’s Parenting Pointers
Facebook exchange: 1st woman: Why does my 15-year-old son ALWAYS have to push his boundaries??? 2nd woman: Same reason you and I did at 15 🙂 Yeah — bad parenting. If you haven’t figured out what your kid is all about long before he turns 15, you’re both fucked. Sorry, but I ain’t Doctor Fuckin’ Phil. I’m bringin’ it! Read more →
New TGIF Policy in Effect
Effective immediately, I’m going to start de-friending everyone who sends a Facebook status update about how glad they are that it’s Friday, how glad they are that it’s Thursday because it’s almost Friday, how gloomy they are because it’s Monday, how they hate to be at work, blah blah blah et fucking cetera. SHUT UP LOSERS! Stop wasting your life and mine with this nonsense! Find an activity that you love and engage in it . . . Read more →
Albert Schweitzer was a Bore
An optimist sees a green light everywhere; a pessimist sees only the red light. The truly wise person is colorblind. — Albert Schweitzer A true optimist is a man who can look in a toilet bowl and see only corn. — Ben Greenman Read more →
Americans are Mathematically Illiterate
If anyone ever told you there’s no reason to learn math in school, they are absolutely right! Americans are so mathematically illiterate that you’re better off learning to speak Klingon if you want anyone to understand you. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve walked through a mathematical demonstration of some concept and gotten back a reply like “Well I don’t see any reason why . . .” or “Let’s have a meeting to discuss that.” God, it’s painful. If you’re still in school, don’t bother learning any more math than you absolutely have to. It’ll just come back to haunt you. Read more →
Facebook is Crushing My Will to Live
Several ordinary life stories, if told in rapid succession, tend to make life look far more pointless than it really is, probably. — Kurt Vonnegut, Palm Sunday To update that quote for modern times, replace “ordinary life stories, if told” with “Facebook status updates, if read.” Oh the vapidity . . . Read more →
Insulting People as a Public Service
There was a troubled-looking guy in Petco this afternoon giving away packets of Natural Balance dog food. He looked like a meth addict or something. As I walked past him, he mumbled, without making eye contact, “Want some free dog food?” “My dog won’t eat that shit,” I said, which is not true, but it certainly took the wind out of his sails. Now you might say I wasn’t very charming but by verbally assaulting him in that way, I was motivating him to rehabilitate himself and get a real job. Tough love . . . Read more →
Falling Down Stairs
The CFO announced at our all-company meeting this morning that one of our colleagues had fallen down the main stairwell at the office yesterday. (That stairwell has a marble-like tile surface, so if you were to take a fall on it, it’s gonna leave a mark, no question about it.) As a result, the stairwell is closed until the building architect can figure out a way to make it “safer.” One clumsy person ruins it for all of us. I thought about raising my hand and proposing that those of us who like to live dangerously be allowed to sign a waiver acknowledging that we’re willing to walk up and down the stairs at our own risk. But I didn’t. I just sat there. Then a strange thing happened . . . Others began to raise their hands and weigh in on the uneven surfaces, the depth perception in the… Read more →
Scent of a Woman?
I Mentored Someone Today
One of the analysts in my group has an office across the hall from our department conference room . . . Today he says, “There was a training class in there yesterday and they didn’t close the door. All the noise was coming right into my office.” I say, “Couldn’t you walk over and say, ‘Do you mind if I close the door?’” “Hmmm, I guess I could have done that.” True story! — the problem was beyond his analytical powers. I love my job but it’s not without its challenges . . . Read more →
What You Don’t Say
I just got an email from a co-worker with a wedding picture attached . . . Thanks for the picture, I wrote back. I’ve never seen a happier-looking bride, except my wife of course. She replied, That’s for sure…I really couldn’t of been happier for that moment… What I didn’t say: You’ll never be that young again. You’ll never be that beautiful again. You’ll never be that happy again . . . Read more →
It’s Not News Yet
TORONTO (AP) — Howie Mandel has been hospitalized in Canada with an irregular heartbeat, his publicist said. — MSN TV News OH GOD NO! WHAT WILL BECOME OF “HOWIE DO IT!” THE NEW HIDDEN-CAMERA PRANK SHOW?! Who CARES about this? Just let me know when he’s dead . . . Read more →
Danica’s Speeding Ticket
SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Danica Patrick paid a $196 fine to settle a speeding ticket after the star racecar driver was caught going 54 mph in a 35-mph zone last month. — ESPN.com Was she in a hurry to obtain oral sex? Because that would be hot . . . Read more →
Really Crazy
I had an office visit with my doctor, who is also my wife’s doctor . . . We always spend a few minutes talking about my wife, who, to use the medical terminology, is “really crazy.” “She is really crazy,” the doctor says. “I don’t know how you keep your sanity. You always seem so calm. I bow to you.” And she stretches both arms out and actually bows. I’m glad someone is able to get a laugh out of it. Then she refills my Paxil prescription so I can make it through the next six months . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who refer to their favorite sports team in the first person So instead of “The Lakers didn’t play very well last night but they still won the game,” they’ll say “We didn’t play very well last night but we still won the game.” We?! What position do you play? Read more →
A Gay Mexican Guy with a Mohawk
I went to get my hair cut at lunch. There was one guy waiting ahead of me and two stylists — a woman, and a gay Mexican guy with a Mohawk. Am I a bad person for praying that Mohawk would finish first (he did) and take the other guy? My son says when he was in Washington, D.C., he saw shops where all the hair cutters were men. “That’s different,” I explain. “Those are barbers. Barbers don’t mess around with you like stylists. I don’t want a gay guy with a Mohawk running his fingers through my hair. Note the fact that he’s a Mexican doesn’t matter at all. I mean, I’m not a racist or anything.” Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Diagonal Jaywalkers I don’t mind if you want to cut across the middle of the road. I do that myself. But when I do it, I take a straight line perpendicular to the street and I walk briskly, maybe even jog a little bit. I don’t take a diagonal path into oncoming traffic and refuse to speed up when I see a car coming. Why do I not do it that way, you ask? Two reasons: The person driving the car may not be paying attention and may run me over and kill me. The person driving the car may be a crazy person looking to run over anybody who gets in his way. YOU DON’T THINK SO?! There’s a lot of nuts out there! Read the news! I swear to god, some days I feel like I’m just hanging on by a thread myself. Think about that the next… Read more →
What I Learned Today at Hair Masters
If you look like Larry Fine with one day to live, do not get your hair colored. You’re wasting your time and money and holding up the other patrons. Read more →
I’ve Got an Idea for a TV Show
It would be like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but the twist is that instead of fixing people’s homes, we’d sneak around under cover of darkness and give homes an extreme makeover by burning them down, blowing them up, felling large trees on top of them, etc. For added poignancy, the victims will be cripples, retards, members of minority groups, impoverished people with way too many kids, or some combination of the above. Now that’s great television! Read more →
You’re Under Sudden Cardiac Arrest
October is Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) Awareness Month. Were you aware of that? I wasn’t. Now that I am, I’ve got one thing to say to the SCA people: WHO IS ADVISING YOU?! October is Breast Awareness Month! You can’t compete against breasts! Pick another month! As for cardiac arrest, fuck that noise! I’M A VERY BUSY PERSON! I don’t have time . . . (gasp) . . . I don’t have time . . . for a . . . a herat attardhuhjbzsvggggggggggggggggggggggggg Read more →