EppsNet Archive: Airports

Japan, Day 0: Floyd Mayweather at Panda Express

20 Dec 2013 /
Panda Express Logo

We saw Floyd Mayweather at LAX . . .

Actually, my son saw him. When the boy pointed him out to me, all I could see was the back of a smallish man in a black hoodie surrounded by half a dozen of the largest human beings I’ve ever seen. You have to get past those guys to get your shot at Floyd.

They were all standing on line at Panda Express in one of the food courts. Normally, I don’t envision famous, wealthy people eating Panda Express, and if they do, I don’t picture them standing on line for it. I picture them sending someone to fetch it while they hang out in the first class passenger lounge.

Good advertisement for Panda Express. Better than those ridiculous goddamn talking pandas.

In other close encounters with boxing legends, I once saw Sugar Ray Leonard and his family at Juice It Up.


NARCh 2011 – Travel Day

20 Jul 2011 /
Mario Williams

LA to Houston

We’re waiting at LAX for a flight to Houston when a large black man in his 20s sits down near us in the waiting area.

“I could take that guy one-on-one,” my kid announces.

I’m about to mention to him that not every big black dude is necessarily a basketball player when he says, “Wait a minute, isn’t that Mario Williams?”

I have to admit to him that I wouldn’t recognize Mario Williams if I saw him.

He pulls up a photo of Mario Williams on his iPhone. “Yeah,” I say, “that does look like him.”

“And he’s waiting for a flight to Houston? That’s got to be Mario Williams.”

The final clue is that the guy is decked out in Adidas gear from head to toe. A Google search for “mario williams adidas” on the iPhone reveals that Mario Williams has a sponsorship deal with Adidas.

So we’re pretty sure we saw Mario Williams at the airport.

 

Houston to Florida

Continental changed up the seat assignments . . . the boy ends up in Row 8 while I’m back in Row 26.

“I’m way ahead of you,” he says. “I can pick up the rental car and drive to the hotel before you even get off the plane.”


Any Lawyers Out There Want This Case?

16 Jul 2011 /
LAX

The boys arrived back from their graduation trip, but missed their connecting flight in Philly, which seems to be the rule rather than the exception for U.S. Airways.

They were able to get on a later flight — to Los Angeles though, not Orange County — so the parents drove out to pick them up at LAX at 11:45 p.m.

“We should sue the airline,” one of the moms said.

“That’s a good idea,” I replied, not because I thought it was a good idea, but because I wanted to hear the plan.

“Five sets of parents have to drive all the way to Los Angeles,” she said. “Gas is expensive! Then there’s punitive damages. Frustration. Loss of income.”

“How is there a loss of income?”

“Some parents might have to work at night. You don’t know.”

“How much do you think we should get — a million dollars?”

“No,” she scoffed, like I was being ridiculous. “Two hundred thousand.”


Twitter: 2010-11-13

13 Nov 2010 /
Twitter
  • RT @AnnCoulter: My new invention: Men's underwear that makes your organ look huge in one of those new airport scanners. #
  • Fun Fact: Spell check changes "eMetrics" to "emetics." #

A Dog at the Airport

12 Aug 2010 /
Poodle Dog

Picking up my family at John Wayne Airport . . .

There’s a guy walking around the baggage claim area with a toy poodle on a leash.

I point this out to my son and say, “I didn’t know you could walk your dog around here. I would have brought Lightning.”

“Maybe it’s a bomb-sniffing dog,” he says.

“A bomb-sniffing poodle?”

“Yeah.”


Carbon Emissions Reduction, Biden Style

2 Aug 2009 /

There is a permanently restricted area of airspace to the NW of the [Wilmington, Delaware] airport, around [VP Joe] Biden’s weekend house. The airport gets shut down every time Biden commutes home at taxpayer expense. What kind of plane does Biden, a tireless advocate of reduced carbon emissions (source), use for the 15-minute flight from D.C.? “Boeing 757,” was the report from the ramp. “You wonder how the government can criticize private companies for using light jets when they themselves ride solo in the back of a 757.”

[Note: the shortest version of the Boeing 757 can hold up to 234 passengers plus a crew of at least 7 (source).]


A Different Person

23 Jul 2009 /

Our son’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins . . .

Australian flag

I’m talking to people at LAX in a fake Australian accent. My Australian accent is not all that tight except on words with a long “a” sound, which I replace with a long “i” sound, e.g., “mate” becomes “mite.”

“Sorry, mite,” I say, as I roll a suitcase over a gentleman’s foot.

“Did you just say what I thought you said?” my son asks.

“When you travel,” I explain, “you can be a whole different person.”

We take the bags over to the baggage scanner. I know we don’t have to wait for them but since “wait” has a long “a” sound, I ask the woman, “Do I ‘ave to white?”

“No,” she says.

“Jus’ drope i’ oaf then?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says.


International Cuisine

23 Jul 2009 /
Sheep

We’re dropping our 15-year-old son off at LAX. He’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins.

He’s explaining his theory of international cuisine, which is that there’s not going to be any Mexican food in Australia because there are no Mexicans in Australia. On the other hand, they probably have New Zealand food that those of us in the States have never heard about.

“That’s why it’s important to travel,” I say, “so you can learn about things like that. Or you could just stay home and watch the Travel Channel.”


My Son Says He Needs a New Watch

19 Jul 2009 /

As we’re passing a watch shop in the Buffalo airport, my son, age 15, says, “That reminds me — I need a new watch.”

I say, “Why do you need a new watch? When we were getting my watch, you told me you already had a cool watch.”

“When was that?”

“I don’t remember but it wasn’t that long ago.”

“I didn’t say my watch was cool,” he says. “I just said your watch was lame.”


Eating Buffalo Wings in Buffalo

18 Jul 2009 /

Our flight out of Buffalo was delayed by gusty winds so we ducked into Anchor Bar at the airport for an order of buffalo wings. The Anchor Bar wings come with five sauce options: mild, medium, hot, spicy bar-b-que or suicidal.

Suicide Wings

I asked the waitress, “The ‘suicidal’ wings — who’s responsible if they result in my actual death?”

“Oh they’re not like that,” she said. “There’s other places in Buffalo that serve wings a lot hotter. Oh my gosh, if you actually died?

“You could use that in your advertising: ‘A guy actually died eating these wings!'”

“I’ll keep the defibrillator handy.”

We gave the suicidal wings their day in court. We liked them. Like the waitress said, they actually weren’t as hot as the wings I’ve had at some other places, despite the small kernels of red and black pepper that are actually in the sauce and on the wings.

My pulse and respiration may have been slightly elevated but not to a life-threatening level . . .


Twitter: 2009-07-14

14 Jul 2009 /
  • On runway in Buffalo. Delayed by wind. Will miss connection to LA. #