If you think saying “fuck” to a toddler is the funniest thing ever, and evidently a lot of people do judging from the rave reviews on Facebook, then you’ll love this book. SPOILER ALERT: The joke is that infants don’t have the same sleep patterns as grownups — ha ha — which is breaking news to this hapless unfit shithead of a parent, who spews page after page of rhymed obscenities at his child. I didn’t say “fuck” to my kid until he was a teenager, and even then it wasn’t to be funny. Seriously: Children are a gift from God and I don’t even believe in God. I love the time that my son and I were boys together more than I love anything. If you think there’s anything clever or funny about this book, please stay away from me . . . Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Facebook
Skittles
I just noticed on Facebook that 16 million people like Skittles. I hate Skittles. Worst of all, they look like M&Ms, so you think you’re going to get some delicious M&Ms and it turns out what you’re really getting are Skittles. Read more →
Twitter: 2011-01-26
RT @yoyoha: Every woman has a tiny ball of hatred in her heart that is fed by the actions of everyone around them. # RT @capricecrane: Is there a “Your Kid Looks The Same As Yesterday” button on Facebook? # RT @yoyoha: I’m currently eating graham crackers in the shape of little bunnies. This can’t be helping my street cred. # Read more →
A Day in the Internet
Created by Online Education Read more →
Aging Boy Bands
A Facebook friend posted some photos from the Backstreet Boys concert in L.A. last weekend. Most of the “boys” now have worse hairlines than I do. Shouldn’t bands named Boys or Kids be forced to retire when they start to go bald? Or at least change their name from, say, New Kids on the Block to Old Guys on the Porch? Read more →
That Clears the Air!
Sarah Henderson, daughter of Fritz Henderson, the just-resigned-minutes-ago GM CEO, posted some choice words about Ed Whitacre, the random white guy taking her dad’s place at the top of the just-emerged-from-bankruptcy automaker, on the automaker’s public Facebook page! — Daughter Of Resigned GM CEO Attacks New GM CEO On Facebook – Ed Whitacre – Jalopnik. Read more →
How to Deal With a Bully
A friend’s Facebook post about bullies in school reminded me of when I was 10 or 11 and the neighborhood bully was menacing a junior high band nerd. All of a sudden, the band nerd hauled off and socked him right in the face and the bully ran home crying. What an impression that made on me! Of course I’m not advocating socking bullies in the face . . . no wait, I guess I am . . . Read more →
Disliking on Facebook
I say to my son, “Now there’s a Firefox plugin so you can dislike stuff on Facebook. I disliked three things already.” “Cool,” he says, walking out of the room. “I gotta get that right now.” He comes back in with his laptop. “First I’ve got to download Firefox,” he says. “You’re downloading Firefox just so you can dislike stuff on Facebook?” “That’s right.” Read more →
Life After Death
What Happens to Your Facebook Profile When You Die? — Yahoo! News I plan to post updates from the afterlife. Example: “Why is everything red?” Read more →
Family Happiness
I was reading a Tolstoy story called “Family Happiness” in bed last night. It was close to midnight when I finished it. “Good story,” I announced to my wife, although she was 90 percent asleep by that time. Without opening her eyes, she asked, “What was it about?” “A man and a woman fall in love and get married. They’re very happy for a while but then the marriage starts to come apart.” “Because the husband spends too much time on Facebook?” she asked. “No, they didn’t have Facebook in 1860. What I didn’t see coming though is that the story turns out to have a happy ending after all.” “Perfect,” she said. “What did you learn from it?” “The past is gone, but you can still find a new life and a different kind of happiness.” “With the same wife?” “Yes.” “Perfect,” she said. Read more →
Another Way to Tell When Your Relationship is in Trouble
I saw these husband and wife profile photos on a Facebook friend list: The photo on the left is the husband’s profile photo. He looks like a more effeminate, French-looking version of the Dos Equis guy. The photo on the right is the wife’s profile photo. You’ll notice it’s the same photo, but she’s taken a page from the Stalin revisionist history playbook and removed hubby from the photo. And note that she didn’t just crop him out, which would be the easy thing to do. She went to the trouble of firing up some photo editing software, erasing him, and recreating her bustline against the new background. She’s just not that into you! Read more →
Wanna Be Starting Something
Seen on Facebook: Original Poster: RIP Michael Jacokson! Commenter: Michael Jacokson died on the same day as Michael Jackson? How bizarre is that? Original Poster: OMFG really!! I think the death of Michael JACKSON is more important than a freakin typo! Commenter: So Michael Jacokson is still alive? THANK GOD! Read more →
God and Me
This showed up on Facebook this morning (name changed): Jacques Strap is amazed that God cares about even the smallest details of my life. In the words of Lyle Lovett: “That’s the difference between God and me.” Read more →
That Narrows it Down to Half the Population
This exchange — a post followed by a comment — showed up on my Facebook home page today. The poster and the commenter are both women, btw . . . let’s play a game! Who am I?? I’m the first to talk shit behind peoples back, but when I’m talked about i’m the first to get all pissy! Who am I? Every female known to man. I spit cola all over my desk when I read that . . . Read more →
Where Are We?
A Facebook friend recently posted a set of Washington DC photos. Almost all of the photos show people standing in front of easily recognizable landmarks, but all of them are dutifully captioned — White House, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, etc. The one exception is a photo of two people in an ornate lobby with the caption: “I forget where we are here.” Read more →
ABCs of Me
This has been making the rounds of my Facebook friends so I thought I’d repost my answers here: A – Age: Extremely late 30s B – Bed Size: Procrustean C – Chore You Hate? If it’s a chore, I hate it D – Dogs Name? Lightning E – Essential Daily Items? Nothing is essential F – Favorite Color? Blue. No, yell– AUUUUUUUUGH! G – Gold Or Silver? Whatever H – Height? 6-0, give or take I – Instruments You Play? Drums and piano, both poorly J – Job Title? Lord of Logic K – Kids? Son, age 15 L – Living Arrangements? Wife, kid and dog, in a rapidly depreciating house M – Mom’s Name? Good question…I only knew her as “Mom” N – Nicknames? Like Charlie Brown, I always wanted to be called “Flash” O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth? Burst fracture, L1 (i.e. broken back); laparascopic… Read more →
I’ve Lost Another Friend
I’m waiting for Jeff to get me the server uptime numbers for March when I see this Facebook update: Oh he loves those Facebook name applications. He’s got a Clown Name, a Smurf Name . . . I add a comment: Hey Buttons! I need those server numbers. Hop to it… He deletes my comment and deletes me from his friend list. His sidekick — the Barney to his Fred — also deletes me from his friend list. He does send me the server numbers though, so it’s OK. I’m results-oriented . . . Read more →
HW’s Parenting Pointers
Facebook exchange: 1st woman: Why does my 15-year-old son ALWAYS have to push his boundaries??? 2nd woman: Same reason you and I did at 15 🙂 Yeah — bad parenting. If you haven’t figured out what your kid is all about long before he turns 15, you’re both fucked. Sorry, but I ain’t Doctor Fuckin’ Phil. I’m bringin’ it! Read more →
New TGIF Policy in Effect
Effective immediately, I’m going to start de-friending everyone who sends a Facebook status update about how glad they are that it’s Friday, how glad they are that it’s Thursday because it’s almost Friday, how gloomy they are because it’s Monday, how they hate to be at work, blah blah blah et fucking cetera. SHUT UP LOSERS! Stop wasting your life and mine with this nonsense! Find an activity that you love and engage in it . . . Read more →
Oh the Vacuity!
One of my in-laws says to me, “I enjoy reading your Facebook updates.” “Thanks,” I say. “I enjoy reading yours too. When I’m having trouble sleeping.” Read more →