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There are three things you need to be careful about: drugs, alcohol and girls. Especially girls.

I have so many things I could say to my own son about girls but after preparing my whole speech I realized it all boiled down to two main points:

1. Don’t be stupid.
2. Manage your own time.

Let me say a few words about the second point.

Anyone who cares about you will want you to follow your dreams, follow your goals. Any girl who objects to the time you put in to do that because it takes away from the time you spend with her, stay away from her. HUGE red flag.

The first point is explained in this video:

If you’re not seeing the video, you can watch it on YouTube.

• RT @capricecrane: "Twitter" was the most used word of 2009. Numbers two and three were "I'm" and "broke." #
• RT @Aimee_B_Loved: Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines. #
• RT @FakeAPStylebook: Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags. #
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• RT @capricecrane: According to Billboard: "Nickelback: 'Band of the decade.'" That's all. Enjoy the apocalypse. #
• RT @TheOnion: "Why do all the girls I like think of me as just a friend? And why isn't there a term to describe that relationship?" -Plato #

Tiger Woods and Chris Henry are just the latest examples.

“Your role model,” I say to my son, “should be that guy in the Miller Lite commercial who saves his beer and lets his girlfriend drop off a cliff.”

My son’s a junior in high school now . . . tonight he went to a school homecoming dance instead of watching the USC-Cal game with his dad.

Sing it with me:

The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon . . .

This morning he went with his mom to buy a dress shirt and a tie. When they’d narrowed the choice down to two ties, he took a photo of them with his phone and sent them to the girl to see which one would go better with her dress . . .

• Party host is serving 7&7s. I drink two. Nothing. "Make the next one a double." Nothing. Worst drink ever. #
• @penelopetrunk oh that is not true. see http://kicklikeagirlmovie.com in reply to penelopetrunk #

I’d just finished reading another tiresome “why oh why aren’t there more women in IT?” article when I found a former colleague on LinkedIn . . . he lists his job title as “Analyst, Software Quality Assurnace.”

Would you hire him as a QA guy? I wouldn’t, and that’s even before I saw how he misspelled “Assurance.”

The IT “profession” is chock full of idiots like this. Why anyone thinks women are missing out on something if they don’t work in IT is a total mystery.

If I had a daughter, I would tell her to be a meeting planner or a flight attendant . . .

Thus spoke The Programmer.

My son’s looking forward to February when his braces come off . . .

“Throw some Crest whitening strips on there and the sky’s the limit as far as girlfriends are concerned,” he says.

“Girls are a distraction right now,” his mom says. “You need to focus on academics.”

“Mom’s right,” I say. “Having a wife or a girlfriend is like taking a 5-year-old to the mall. You can’t go as fast as you want to because the 5-year-old can’t keep up the pace. And you’re not going to be able to accomplish the things you want to accomplish . . .”

“Don’t give the boy a bad attitude,” she says.

“. . . because the 5-year-old is . . .”

“Whatever you’re going to say . . .”

“. . . monopolizing your attention . . .”

“. . . don’t say it.”

“. . . with her juvenile behavior.”

I suppose there’s a part of me that still wants the girl in the fishbowl sunglasses and Ramones T-shirt she got from an eBay vendor to invite me to a roof-deck party where a DJ is remixing music that I never heard originally, if for no other reason than it would somehow signify that the faint bags I’m beginning to notice under my eyes even after a good night’s sleep are imaginary. But they aren’t.

— Jason Roeder

From the front page of the Los Angeles Times 70 years ago today, Jan. 26, 1938:

Wives of Spanking Husbands
Form Girls’ Auxiliary to Club

SIOUX FALLS (S. D.) Jan. 25 (AP) — Wives of Spanking Husbands’ Club, organized in Sioux City, Iowa, and parent organization of fifty-nine such clubs throughout the nation according to its own figures–reached out for another slice of territory today.

The Iowa housewives who consider it a mark of esteem for their husbands to wield a disciplinary hairbrush once in a while, announced plans today for a junior auxiliary–Daughters of Spanking Parents.

ELIGIBLE GIRLS

A letter received here from Sioux City and signed “Rita Rae, general delivery,” told of plans for the new organization for which she claimed an initial membership of seventeen. Any girl above the age of 11 years is eligible to join, Mrs. Rae wrote.

“We think all parents should spank their daughters when they don’t behave,” Mrs. Rae wrote. “Some girls won’t admit it, but the really know it is better to get spanked than scolded and nagged. Spanking creates a better understanding between parents and daughters.”

MERELY SPANKED

Mrs. Rae is the president of the Wives of Spanking Husbands, which was organized last June 26 under the broad-minded slogan “Spare the hairbrush and spoil the wife.”

“Our husbands don’t beat us,” the Sioux City woman was careful to explain. “They just turn us over their knees and give us a good sound spanking.”

As in the previous example, these photos are from the same photoset on Flickr:

What could be worse than being an Asian woman in Asia and having to surrender your mystical Oriental hotness to Asian men? In no other race — white, black, Hispanic — are the women so much better-looking than the men.

Now you might say: What about Indian or Middle Eastern men? Aren’t they uglier than Asian men?

Possibly — but my point is that their women are incredibly ugly as well, so it’s a good match.

My wife’s cousin, also an Asian girl, agrees with my theory, but adds something I hadn’t thought of: Asian guys are boring, she says, because they’re all the same. They all have the same story, same parents, same college major (engineering or business), same, same, same . . .

• John David Booty’s 391 passing yards was the highest total ever for a USC quarterback in a bowl game.

• The USC song girl buttocks investigation has apparently been resolved.

A friend of mine’s 13-year-old daughter will be appearing as an extra in an episode of My Name is Earl airing in a couple of months.

I told my son, also 13, he should try to hook up with her before she gets too famous and the competiton heats up. He just made throat-cutting gestures and gagging noises, as he always does when the subject of the ladies comes up.

Naturally, she’ll dump him as soon as she hits the big time, but that’s okay . . . I’ve got to believe that all these starlets put a lot more into pleasing their boyfriends before they were famous than they do now that a guy is lucky just to be with them in the first place . . .

My son and I are eating lunch at Subway when a group of teenage girls comes in. I notice that in the process of pushing one another through the door, one of the girls has dropped a hat on the sidewalk.

“Hey, girls,” I say. “One of you dropped a hat outside.”

“Oh, that’s mine,” one of the girls says. “Thanks.” And she goes out to pick it up.

“You see the way I saved those damsels in distress?” I say to the boy, who’s about the same age as the girls. “Try to learn something from that.”

“Why?” he says.

“Because you’ve got to take care of girls. They’re the weaker sex.”

“Mom would kill you if she heard that.”

He’s right about that. His mom is extremely volatile and always on high alert for slights, real or perceived.

“I’m gonna tell her,” he says, nodding and taking a bite of his sandwich. “Then we’ll see who’s weaker . . .”

These are from the same photo set on Flickr, taken at a local beach here in Orange County:

Any questions?

See Also: Why Asian Girls Like White Guys II

At a family gathering a few years ago, a couple of my nieces were experimenting with makeup — including bright red lipstick — when one of the maiden aunts told them that girls with red lipstick look like whores.

Well, that made quite an impression on these girls . . . now at any family get-together that the aunt attends, every girl — from high school seniors down to 5-year-olds — puts on the tawdriest shade of red lipstick they can find.

At Thanksgiving this past week, one of the girls added some ghastly white face powder, for the total painted lady look . . .