The Independent reports that the White House has called for Mike Pence to apologize for what it called a “homophobic” joke about Pete Buttigieg’s decision to take paternity leave when his twins were born. Pence said Buttigieg, who is the first openly gay Cabinet secretary, took “maternity leave” while airline problems happened in 2021. “Pete is the only person in human history to have a child and everyone else gets postpartum depression,” Pence said at the annual Gridiron Club dinner in Washington on Saturday. That’s a good joke. What a nation of whiny crybabies we have become. White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said, “He should apologize to women and LGBTQ people, who are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect.” The White House recently gave a “Women of Courage” award to a man so they have no moral standing to talk about treating women with dignity and respect.… Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Humor
Self-Importance
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self- importance — Volker Weber (@vowe) April 14, 2014 Read more →
Don’t Apologize
Good for her! I’m tired of people’s phony apologies for doing or saying something they damn well meant to do or say. In fact, not only did she not apologize, she added an additional zinger: “One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re okay. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Read more →
Don’t Try to Be Funny at the Vet
I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk. “It’s a little different this time,” Lauren says. “We didn’t have the Prednisone 5mg, so we’re giving you Prednisone 10mg, and instead of giving him half a tablet, you’ll give him a quarter of a tablet. I already cut them.” “Oh gosh, thanks! Did you cut them on the lines?” Lauren is new so she hasn’t heard this one yet. “To the best of my ability.” “That’s good. Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.” She’s not getting the joke but that’s okay. I’ll help her out by taking it completely into the realm of the absurd. “He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail,” I say. “I’ll make a note of that for next time.” “Yes, you should do that. Go ahead and… Read more →
He Lost His Arm, Not His Sense of Humor
Former CNN anchor Miles O’Brien revealed Tuesday that his left forearm was amputated this month after a freak accident led to emergency surgery for a potentially life-threatening condition called compartment syndrome. . . . O’Brien said he’s dealing with phantom pain and getting used to life with one hand. “But I am alive and I’m grateful for that,” he wrote. “Life is all about playing the hand that is dealt you. Actually, I would love somebody to deal me another hand right about now – in more ways than one.” — Former CNN Anchor Loses Arm After Freak Accident Complication – NBCNews.com Read more →
Aside
Aerogramme Writers’ Studio: Emily Dickinson Attends a Writing Workshop
British Humor
In order for this to have any chance of being funny, you need to know that in Britain, acetaminophen is called paracetamol . . . Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle? A: Because the parrots eat ’em all. Read more →
Don’t Make Me Laugh
A new study says that men are funnier than women — but just barely. — latimes.com Men are a lot funnier on average, a few women are very funny, and women who have a reputation of being funny, like Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett, are usually not funny at all. Read more →
Riddles
Q: What will you find in a prison library? A: Prose and cons. Q: What do you call a choice between cinnabar and galena? A: Either ore. Q: Where do Brahmans build their houses? A: Caste lots. Read more →
Bored to Death
The shirt wouldn’t look good on me but I know the feeling . . . Read more →
Arizona Restaurant Serving Lion Burgers
Arizona restaurant serving lion burgers — UPI.com WAITER: We don’t get a lot of lions in here. LION: At these prices, I’m not surprised. Read more →
April Fools
Every month, I present web site metrics to our Web Steering committee. Since this month’s meeting fell on April 1, I took the opportunity to mock up and present a set of fake charts showing all of our key metrics falling off a cliff. LOL! OK I know what you’re thinking — not as funny as cling wrap on a toilet seat. You’re right but chart pranks are more cerebral . . . Read more →
I Love This Joke
A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and THROWS it as far as he can. Three years later — the same guy hears a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says, “What was that all about?” I love this joke because, if you’re like me, you identify with the snail’s perseverance in the face of inexplicable setbacks . . . Read more →
Climate Comedy
Q: How many climate scientists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. There’s a consensus that it’s going to change, so they’ve decided to keep us in the dark. — Best of the Web Today Read more →
The Basics of Humor
My wife and my dog both have birthdays later this month . . . “I was just thinking,” I say to my wife, “doesn’t Lightning have a birthday coming up?” (Waiting for reaction . . . waiting . . . ) “That was very basic,” she says. Read more →
Satan on Ted Kennedy
One of the things Ted Kennedy and I have in common is that we both love Chappaquiddick jokes. Ed Klein, a Kennedy friend and biographer, was on the radio the other day and said: I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too. HAAAHAHAHA! I hope you like heat, Teddy! I look forward to swapping jokes with you in Hell. Have you heard this one? Q. What do you call 200 Kennedy sycophants at the bottom of a Chappaquiddick pond? A. A great start, but bad… Read more →
Two Jokes
“Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Bessie, the Interrupting Cow.” “Bessie, the Interr–” “MOOOOOOO!” Two TV antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding was nothing special but the reception was excellent. Read more →
Microblog: 2009-05-04
@llangit 2 electrons walking down the street. 1st says “I think I lost an electron” 2nd: “Are you sure?” 1st: “I’m positive” in reply to llangit # @llangit I meant “2 *atoms* walking…” in reply to llangit # RT @KathySierra: Improving Presos: ditch the opening. All of it. Speaker bio/intro, background, overview… Think: action film, not academic # RT @KathySierra: don’t focus on making a better preso, or becoming a better presenter. Focus on making your participants better/smarter # RT @TinaFey: Even though it’s almost over, May the 4th be with you! # Read more →
I Got This Joke From Shaquille O’Neal
From THE_REAL_SHAQ: A Rastaman walks n2 a bank & hands the teller a bag of weed. She says “Sir, what is this 4?” Da Rasta said, “Mi wan open a joint account!” Read more →
Getting Behind
Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . . He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something: “I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.” DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT? No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence. Man, that guy was creepy . . . Read more →