A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and THROWS it as far as he can.
Three years later — the same guy hears a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says, “What was that all about?”
I love this joke because, if you’re like me, you identify with the snail’s perseverance in the face of inexplicable setbacks . . .
Q: How many climate scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There’s a consensus that it’s going to change, so they’ve decided to keep us in the dark.
My wife and my dog both have birthdays later this month . . .
“I was just thinking,” I say to my wife, “doesn’t Lightning have a birthday coming up?”
(Waiting . . .)
“That was very basic,” she says.
One of the things Ted Kennedy and I have in common is that we both love Chappaquiddick jokes. Ed Klein, a Kennedy friend and biographer, was on the radio the other day and said:
I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too.
HAAAHAHAHA! I hope you like heat, Teddy! I look forward to swapping jokes with you in Hell. Have you heard this one?
Q. What do you call 200 Kennedy sycophants at the bottom of a Chappaquiddick pond?
A. A great start, but bad news for NPR guest-bookers!
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Bessie, the Interrupting Cow.”
“Bessie, the Interr–”
“MOOOOOOO!”
Two TV antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding was nothing special but the reception was excellent.
From THE_REAL_SHAQ:
A Rastaman walks n2 a bank & hands the teller a bag of weed. She says “Sir, what is this 4?” Da Rasta said, “Mi wan open a joint account!”
Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . .
He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something:
“I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.”
DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT?
No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence.
Man, that guy was creepy . . .
I say to my wife, “I saw a cartoon today . . . a husband and wife are standing in their living room looking at a huge painting on the wall, a portrait of an elderly man in an armchair, and the wife says to the husband, ‘I thought he was your grandfather.’”
My wife says, “Who was the guy?”
“The wife thought he was the husband’s grandfather and the husband thought he was the wife’s grandfather.”
“So why was his picture in the house?”
Captured by pirates, you are given a choice between walking the plank or joining the crew. The crew are all Yankees fans.
When your luxury cruise ship, featuring Las Vegas–style live entertainment, sinks in midocean, you find yourself adrift in a lifeboat with a tiger, a chimp, and an Herbalife salesman. On the second day, the tiger and the chimp commit suicide.
