EppsNet Archive: Humor

Self-Importance

1 Jun 2014 /


Don’t Apologize

27 Apr 2014 /

Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Cleveland Kidnapping Victims Joke

Good for her! I’m tired of people’s phony apologies for doing or saying something they damn well meant to do or say.

In fact, not only did she not apologize, she added an additional zinger:

“One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re okay. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.'”


Don’t Try to Be Funny at the Vet

30 Mar 2014 /
Veterinary Hospital Parking

(Photo credit: www.myparkingsign.com)

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk.

“It’s a little different this time,” Lauren says. “We didn’t have the Prednisone 5mg, so we’re giving you Prednisone 10mg, and instead of giving him half a tablet, you’ll give him a quarter of a tablet. I already cut them.”

“Oh gosh, thanks! Did you cut them on the lines?” Lauren is new so she hasn’t heard this one yet.

“To the best of my ability.”

“That’s good. Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.”

She’s not getting the joke but that’s okay. I’ll help her out by taking it completely into the realm of the absurd.

“He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail,” I say.

“I’ll make a note of that for next time.”

“Yes, you should do that. Go ahead and write it on his chart.”

Pet owners — I know this from spending a lot of time at dog parks — are likely to attribute all sorts of human thoughts and emotions to their animals, so I guess if you work in a veterinary clinic, you can’t assume that customers are joking just because what they’re saying is totally irrational . . .


He Lost His Arm, Not His Sense of Humor

28 Feb 2014 /

Former CNN anchor Miles O’Brien revealed Tuesday that his left forearm was amputated this month after a freak accident led to emergency surgery for a potentially life-threatening condition called compartment syndrome. . . .

O’Brien said he’s dealing with phantom pain and getting used to life with one hand. “But I am alive and I’m grateful for that,” he wrote.

“Life is all about playing the hand that is dealt you. Actually, I would love somebody to deal me another hand right about now – in more ways than one.”


Aerogramme Writers’ Studio: Emily Dickinson Attends a Writing Workshop

Posted by on 25 Jul 2013

British Humor

20 Jul 2013 /

In order for this to have any chance of being funny, you need to know that in Britain, acetaminophen is called paracetamol . . .

Q: Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: Because the parrots eat ’em all.


Don’t Make Me Laugh

25 Oct 2011 /

Carol Burnett

A new study says that men are funnier than women — but just barely.

Men are a lot funnier on average, a few women are very funny, and women who have a reputation of being funny, like Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett, are usually not funny at all.


Riddles

17 Apr 2011 /

Q: What will you find in a prison library?
A: Prose and cons.

Q: What do you call a choice between cinnabar and galena?
A: Either ore.

Q: Where do Brahmans build their houses?
A: Caste lots.


Bored to Death

17 Jul 2010 /

The shirt wouldn’t look good on me but I know the feeling . . .

T-Shirt Ad


Arizona Restaurant Serving Lion Burgers

26 Jun 2010 /
Lions

Arizona restaurant serving lion burgers

UPI.com

WAITER: We don’t get a lot of lions in here.

LION: At these prices, I’m not surprised.


April Fools

1 Apr 2010 /
Key Metrics

Every month, I present web site metrics to our Web Steering committee. Since this month’s meeting fell on April 1, I took the opportunity to mock up and present a set of fake charts showing all of our key metrics falling off a cliff.

LOL!

OK I know what you’re thinking — not as funny as cling wrap on a toilet seat. You’re right but chart pranks are more cerebral . . .


I Love This Joke

8 Jan 2010 /
Slobbing in the night / Babeando en la noche

A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and THROWS it as far as he can.

Three years later — the same guy hears a knock at the door. He opens it and the snail says, “What was that all about?”

I love this joke because, if you’re like me, you identify with the snail’s perseverance in the face of inexplicable setbacks . . .


Climate Comedy

25 Nov 2009 /

Q: How many climate scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There’s a consensus that it’s going to change, so they’ve decided to keep us in the dark.


The Basics of Humor

14 Oct 2009 /

My wife and my dog both have birthdays later this month . . .

“I was just thinking,” I say to my wife, “doesn’t Lightning have a birthday coming up?”

(Waiting for reaction . . . waiting . . . )

“That was very basic,” she says.


Satan on Ted Kennedy

30 Aug 2009 /
Satan

One of the things Ted Kennedy and I have in common is that we both love Chappaquiddick jokes. Ed Klein, a Kennedy friend and biographer, was on the radio the other day and said:

I don’t know if you know this or not, but one of his favorite topics of humor was indeed Chappaquiddick itself. And he would ask people, “Have you heard any new jokes about Chappaquiddick?” That is just the most amazing thing. It’s not that he didn’t feel remorse about the death of Mary Jo Kopechne, but that he still always saw the other side of everything and the ridiculous side of things, too.

HAAAHAHAHA! I hope you like heat, Teddy! I look forward to swapping jokes with you in Hell. Have you heard this one?

Q. What do you call 200 Kennedy sycophants at the bottom of a Chappaquiddick pond?
A. A great start, but bad news for NPR guest-bookers!

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!


Two Jokes

16 May 2009 /

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Bessie, the Interrupting Cow.”

“Bessie, the Interr–”

“MOOOOOOO!”

 

Two TV antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding was nothing special but the reception was excellent.


Microblog: 2009-05-04

4 May 2009 /
  • @llangit 2 electrons walking down the street. 1st says “I think I lost an electron” 2nd: “Are you sure?” 1st: “I’m positive” in reply to llangit #
  • @llangit I meant “2 *atoms* walking…” in reply to llangit #
  • RT @KathySierra: Improving Presos: ditch the opening. All of it. Speaker bio/intro, background, overview… Think: action film, not academic #
  • RT @KathySierra: don’t focus on making a better preso, or becoming a better presenter. Focus on making your participants better/smarter #
  • RT @TinaFey: Even though it’s almost over, May the 4th be with you! #

I Got This Joke From Shaquille O’Neal

14 Mar 2009 /

From THE_REAL_SHAQ:

A Rastaman walks n2 a bank & hands the teller a bag of weed. She says “Sir, what is this 4?” Da Rasta said, “Mi wan open a joint account!”


Getting Behind

29 Sep 2008 /

Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . .

He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something:

“I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.”

DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT?

No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence.

Man, that guy was creepy . . .

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Why I Don’t Tell Jokes to My Wife

24 Jul 2008 /

I say to my wife, “I saw a cartoon today . . . a husband and wife are standing in their living room looking at a huge painting on the wall, a portrait of an elderly man in an armchair, and the wife says to the husband, ‘I thought he was your grandfather.'”

My wife says, “Who was the guy?”

“The wife thought he was the husband’s grandfather and the husband thought he was the wife’s grandfather.”

“So why was his picture in the house?”

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