EppsNet

This is how to say “step away from the bone”: GRRRRRRRR!

OK, enough academics! Here’s a cartoon I really like:

— Lightning

Cats do not have a word for “fetch.”

— Lightning

You need a whole new set of skill sets.

I went to Subway for lunch and ordered my sandwich in an Australian accent: “LEH-us, to-MAH-to . . .”

Good times!

Hi Everybody! It’s me, Lightning! I wanted to tell you that my new favorite writer is named Camille Paglia!

A lot of people say that dogs and other animals can’t think because thought requires language and animals don’t know any language.

Well, here is what Camille Paglia says about that:

I disagree that language is or should be our primary medium for understanding the world. . . .

Words are very important in human development, but they can never adequately explain the awesome mysteries of the universe. Dante dramatized this when Virgil, the Roman poet who is his guide through hell and purgatory, cannot accompany him to paradise. Virgil stands for reason and language, but sacred vision requires a leap into another dimension. . . .

Exactly! I wish she said what kind of dog Dante is — maybe a pug!

Expanded perception is closer to how animals are instinctively attuned to their environment. Words can record our observations, but they are merely a tool, subordinate to nature’s stubborn physicality.

I know some words like “sit” and “walk” but I don’t know “stubborn physicality.” My owner says I have it though — especially the stubborn part!

— Lightning

Our son’s flying to Australia for a couple weeks to visit his cousins . . .

I’m talking to people at LAX in a fake Australian accent. My Australian accent is not all that tight except on words with a long “a” sound, which I replace with a long “i” sound, e.g., “mate” becomes “mite.”

“Sorry, mite,” I say, as I roll a suitcase over a gentleman’s foot.

“Did you just say what I thought you said?” my son asks.

“When you travel,” I explain, “you can be a whole different person.”

We take the bags over to the baggage scanner. I know we don’t have to wait for them but since “wait” has a long “a” sound, I ask the woman, “Do I ‘ave to white?”

“No,” she says.

“Jus’ drope i’ oaf then?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says.

• Niagara Falls is INSANE! #
• RT @paulandstorm: [P] "Listen to them. Children of the night. Christ, what a racket." #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @paulandstorm: [P] "First rule of Fight Club is — dues must be paid by the first of every month." #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @paulandstorm: [P] "I'm mad as hell, and I'm telling you, that's pretty damn mad. Mad, mad, mad! Hoo-boy, am I mad!" #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @paulandstorm: [P] "He's Spartacus!" #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @paulandstorm: "I'm sorry; did you say 'badgers' or 'badges?' Actually, we don't have either, so the point is moot." #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @ChipChantry: "Guys, guys, time out… this boat is WAY TOO SMALL." #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @ChipChantry: "If you build it, your wife will get angry with you." #1stdraftmovielines #
• RT @diablocody: "Make sure I get paid adequately." #1stdraftmovielines #
• Why isn't there a law against guys with sleep apnea taking redeye flights? #
• Just enjoyed a bottle of jus d'orange. That means "orange juice" in French. We're learning the language of the people up here. #

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
     I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
     And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!

— W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado

People who use the word “bandwidth” to mean “time,” as in “I’ll see if Sally has the bandwidth to handle that.”

Analog signals have bandwidth, communication channels have bandwidth . . . people don’t have bandwidth.

We’re wordsmithing a confirmation email that we send out to new members of our association.

One problem I have with it is that we talk about our mission being to “enhance the quality of nursing care” and then in the next sentence we talk about members receiving “enhanced benefits.”

Do we need to use “enhance” in every sentence? What’s the difference between “benefits” and “enhanced benefits”? Maybe we could just say “benefits” and leave it at that.

No, our customer care analyst says we really do offer “enhanced benefits” above and beyond the usual benefits, so we need a synonym for “enhance” if we don’t want to use it twice.

I’m thinking we could say “improve the quality of nursing care” or we could say “boost the quality of nursing care.”

“Improve” is clearly better but I just love the sound of the word “boost.”

They’re not booing, they’re saying “boooooooooost the quality of nursing care.”

• Why does Obama smile at dictators? http://twurl.nl/rzqd10 #
• More people I’m sick unto death of: Users of the phrase “spot on” #

• Carrie Fisher on her core audience: Alcoholics, addicts, gay (both sexes), mentally ill & people named Erica – http://twurl.nl/hvswww #
• You know my motto: I never metacognitive I didn’t like. #
• Temps are soaring in the OC. Treated myself to an ice-cold lemonade at lunch… #
• @NoReinsGirl That’s why I stockpile rum, coke and ice. Emergency preparedness! in reply to NoReinsGirl #

• Really looking forward 2 my 1st ski lesson this weekend! Wait, WHAT?! http://tinyurl.com/cx97xu #
• RT @THE_REAL_SHAQ: Best Dunk ever? http://tinyurl.com/d68vr5 #
• Embracing elegant solutions w/ a philosophy of doing far more w/ much less. #
• How have U changed the way U perform your work in the last week? http://tinyurl.com/cpuuru #
• F’ing gerunds… #
• Dashboard inspiration w/ sparklines: http://tinyurl.com/cdry8t #
• At the rink for IHF finals #

Anyone who cannot speak clearly and simply should say nothing and continue to work until he can do so.

— Sir Karl Popper

HT: Clearly and Simply

• red beans & rice w/ a fried egg on top. im in heaven… #
• I just used the word “therein” in a sentence. #

“Forty percent of the people at my school speak Korean,” my son says. “Or Chinese. I can’t tell the difference.”

The dizziest woman in the office just used the word “congruence” in a sentence — correctly.

Have I underestimated her?

If anyone ever told you there’s no reason to learn math in school, they are absolutely right!

Americans are so mathematically illiterate that you’re better off learning to speak Klingon if you want anyone to understand you.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve walked through a mathematical demonstration of some concept and gotten back a reply like “Well I don’t see any reason why . . .” or “Let’s have a meeting to discuss that.”

God, it’s painful.

If you’re still in school, don’t bother learning any more math than you absolutely have to. It’ll just come back to haunt you.

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
     I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
     And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!

— W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado

People who say “pitcher” when they mean “picture” . . .

My son had an assignment this weekend to write an essay on cultural values vs. personal values in Huckleberry Finn.

The teacher didn’t assign the whole book, just an excerpt in which Huck has to decide whether or not to send Jim, the escaped slave, back to Miss Watson.

So I read through the excerpt and sure enough, it includes multiple uses of what’s now known as “the N-word.”

I asked the boy, “Did Mr. Murano discuss with you guys about Mark Twain’s use of the word ‘nigger’?”

“No,” he said. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, our school is mostly Asian. Now if Mark Twain had overused the word ‘chink,’ then we’d have a problem.”

One thing I forgot to mention: When I was let go from IndyMac a year ago — and in each subsequent round of layoffs shrinking the workforce from 10,000 to 7,200 — it was called a “right-sizing.”

God, I hate that word.

I noticed they finally dispensed with the bullshit last week . . . when they cut another 3,800 people from the remaining 7,200, just before failing completely, the word “right-sizing” was not used . . .