EppsNet Archive: Marriage

Husband Descending a Staircase

by Paul Epps on 19 Sep 2013

A (Nearly) Perfect Murder

by Hostile Witness on 14 Sep 2013

A Montana woman was charged on Monday with killing her husband of eight days by pushing him off a cliff at Glacier National Park during an argument and after expressing doubts about the marriage, court records show. Jordan Graham, 22, was charged with second-degree murder in U.S. District Court in Missoula stemming from the July 7 death of her husband, Cody Johnson, 25, of Kalispell. . . . Graham on July 11 reported to emergency dispatchers at Glacier National Park that she had found her husband’s body below a steep hiking path. It was not immediately clear how far he had fallen. Graham later admitted to authorities that she had lied about Johnson’s death and that she had shoved him off a cliff during an argument while hiking. — “Newlywed pushes husband off cliff after 8 days of marriage: court records” – NBCNews.com Jordan Graham taking a page from my… Read more →

Is the Medication Working?

by Paul Epps on 17 Aug 2013

“How is your new medication working?” “I can’t tell yet . . . I’m going to read for a few minutes then I’m going to bed.” “How is your new medication working?” “You just asked me that 10 seconds ago.” “You didn’t answer me.” “I DID answer you. I said I CAN’T TELL YET.” “I don’t think it’s working.” Read more →

Jane Lynch, Gay Divorcee

by Paul Epps on 14 Jul 2013

Jane Lynch and her wife of nearly three years, Lara Embry, are planning to divorce. “Lara and I have decided to end our marriage. This has been a difficult decision for us as we care very deeply about one another. We ask for privacy as we deal with this family matter,” Lynch told ABC News in a statement. — ABC News This is a great time to be a divorce lawyer. Legalizing gay marriage means more marriages, which means more divorces. Also, emotion equals money in divorce cases. More emotion means more money for lawyers, and gay people are very emotional. In keeping with a stupid but time-honored custom, the couple announces the divorce, then asks for privacy, which they’d be more likely to get if they just skipped the announcement. Read more →

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

by Satan on 21 Jun 2013

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →

Mothers Day is the Biggest Headache on the Calendar

by Hostile Witness on 13 May 2013

[Editor’s Note: Obviously I disagree with this egregious opinion, but I’m committed to hosting a wide range of viewpoints. — PE] You have mothers, you have wives who are also mothers, you have daughters who are also mothers . . . attention has to be divided and no one is satisfied with her share of the pie. As a son, husband and/or father, you can’t win, it’s just a question of how badly you’re going to lose. Women are bitching on the run-up to Mothers Day, they’re bitching on Mothers Day, and they’re laying down ground rules regarding what they will and will not put up with on next year’s Mothers Day. It’s a big foofaraw and nobody’s happy. Conversely, on Fathers Day, everyone’s as happy as a lark, despite the fact that Fathers Day is commemorated, in my family at least, by absolutely nothing. Read more →

Home Runs

by Paul Epps on 11 Apr 2013

My wife asks how my job is going . . . “I’m hittin’ home runs like Willie Mays!” I reply. “You know Willie Mays?” “No.” “I’m hittin’ home runs like Mark McGwire!” “I know Jackie Robinson.” “Jackie Robinson didn’t hit a lot of home runs.” Read more →

Two Kinds of People

by Paul Epps on 8 Mar 2013

There are two kinds of people in the world: People who, when having a disagreement with their spouse, are more likely to give a thoughtful response that helps the situation. People who, when having a disagreement with their spouse, are more likely to do or say something that makes the situation worse. Read more →

Gore Vidal, Lifelong Bachelor

by Paul Epps on 2 Aug 2012

The Economic Times here in Bangalore has a great obituary of Gore Vidal. It includes an anecdote in which Vidal skewers Saul Bellow and his multiple wives, followed by the sentence Never married himself, Gore . . . Probably, like Liberace, just never found the right girl. Read more →

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorcing

by Paul Epps on 29 Jun 2012

“Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children,” said a statement from Cruise’s rep on Friday. “Please allow them their privacy.” — Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes divorcing – TODAY Entertainment Again the press release asking for privacy. ATTENTION EVERYONE! A LITTLE PRIVACY PLEASE! If not for the press release, who would know or care about this? I’ve got my own problems, thank you. And it’s another blow to the theory, believed by many, that having a lot of money, free time and famous friends is a guaranteed ticket to happiness. No one’s life is a fairy tale, no matter what it looks like . . . Read more →

Masked Intruder

by Paul Epps on 17 May 2012

Overheard

by Paul Epps on 30 Jan 2012

Which Came First?

by Paul Epps on 8 Jan 2012

Given the combined emotional maturity of the bride and groom, I wondered at the wedding which would come first: a thank you note for the gift, or a divorce. I now have the answer: the divorce came first. We never did get the thank you note . . . Read more →

What Would People Say?

by Paul Epps on 12 Sep 2011

‘Spartacus’ star Andy Whitfield dies of lymphoma at 39 Whitfield’s wife, Vashti, in a statement called her husband a “beautiful young warrior” who died on a “sunny Sydney morning” in the “arms of his loving wife.” — msn.com Never heard of him. Also, his wife’s remarks are a tad self-serving, but they did get me to thinking what people would say in the event of my own untimely demise. Best case: “He was a pain in the ass but at least he was interesting.” More likely: “He was a pain in the ass. Once in a great while, he said something interesting. You had to wait for it.” Read more →

Not Exactly Romeo and Juliet

by Paul Epps on 2 Jun 2011

A Facebook friend asks to me to vote for her friends Riq and Chantelle to win their dream wedding. Clicking through on this invitation, I learn that Chantelle is a teacher and Riq is a “tattoo’r.” From the provided photo, I’d say they’re both in their mid to late 20s. The reason they can’t afford to pay for their own wedding? They have five kids. I post a comment: they already have five kids?!?! Response: Previous marriages no judging! Just vote 🙂 Then this follow-up comment from someone I don’t know: By the way that was excellent advise [sic], we should indeed never prejudge, because people who prejudge only assume things and don’t get the facts straight. OK, this guy needs to get his shit together and calm down. I’m not “prejudging” anybody; I’m evaluating people’s mental stability (or lack thereof) based on their accumulated number of kids, spouses and… Read more →

What Should I Do With This Information?

by Paul Epps on 12 May 2011

Just after a big fight with my wife, caused by me accusing her of losing something that belongs to me, I found the thing on the nightstand next to my bed. Should I a) Say, “Honey, just to show you how funny life can be sometimes, look what I found!” or b) Take the information to my grave? Read more →

HW at the Movies: Hall Pass

by Hostile Witness on 17 Feb 2011

Are you kidding?! I’d rather take a shower with my mom than watch this crap. Only an idiot who knows nothing about life thinks that being married or unmarried has anything to do with happiness. You’ll be just as miserable either way, albeit for different reasons. Read more →