MLB is rolling out an app that will allow fans at games to order concessions on their iPhone and have it delivered to their seats. I thought that option already existed, and it was called a wife. via Deadspin Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Marriage
You Have to Neglect Things
Given two people with exactly the same ability, the one person who manages day in and day out to get in one more hour of thinking will be tremendously more productive over a lifetime. . . . I spent a good deal more of my time for some years trying to work a bit harder and I found, in fact, I could get more work done. I don’t like to say it in front of my wife, but I did sort of neglect her sometimes; I needed to study. You have to neglect things if you intend to get what you want done. There’s no question about this. — Richard Hamming Related Articles Did Mozart Play Kickball (eppsnet.com) 10,000 Hours + Courage == Greatness (podly.tv) Read more →
Twitter: 2010-08-24
RT @Jesus_M_Christ: How do I know Adam and Eve were white? When’s the last time you seen a black man give up a rib? # RT @eddiepepitone: Tweets of Nietzche’s wife- God isn’t as dead as our sex life! # RT @pattonoswalt: In the future, everyone will be obscure for fifteen minutes. # Read more →
Twitter: 2010-08-21
RT @capricecrane: “Spencer Pratt Writing Tell-All About Ex Heidi Montag.” Chapter One: She marries a douchebag. # RT @TheOnion: Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant http://onion.com/a0V23H # Related articles Spencer Pratt to write tell-all book about ex Heidi Montag, as if we don’t already know everything (popwatch.ew.com) Read more →
Short Books
My kid’s got a summer assignment for AP English — select and read two novels from a list of about 20. I’ve been telling him since June that I’d be glad to go over the list with him and recommend books that he might enjoy reading but he’s put it off so long now that I’m limited to recommending short books that he might enjoy reading, and that leaves us with Ethan Frome, Wide Sargasso Sea and All the Pretty Horses. He comes back from the bookstore with Frome and Sargasso, two books about men who marry crazy women. He ruled out All the Pretty Horses because it’s 300 pages long and “I read the first sentence and it had like six adjectives.” Read more →
Marriage Counseling
I’m Easily Annoyed
I’m easily annoyed. My wife knows I’m easily annoyed and that one of the things that really annoys me is when people ask me to fix something that isn’t really broken. So when she asks me to fix a problem with her browser and I close it, reopen it and it works fine, she exclaims, “It’s scared of you honey! The King of IT! It sees you coming and it’s afraid to not work!” That’s good talking. I couldn’t even get mad after that. P.S. I just thought of Mel Gibson for some reason. To clarify, I’m not easily annoyed like Mel Gibson. He’s off the charts, like a fire-breathing dragon. I’m more like “doesn’t suffer fools gladly, especially in his own house.” Read more →
Spontaneity
Photo by yummyinthetummyblog At a friend’s home this weekend, his wife brought him a venti iced chai from Starbucks and set it down in front of him on a coffee table. “Do you want a straw?” she asked. In hindsight, a better answer would have been “no” but he said yes. She unwrapped the straw and with a Norman Bates overhand grip tried to stab it through the plastic lid. Unfortunately, she hit it off center, knocking the cup off the table and splashing the contents all over the hardwood floor. “Sorry,” she said. “That’s all right, honey. That’s part of your charm. You do things without really thinking about them.” She looked at him for a moment. “That’s not a compliment,” she said. “No, it is. It means you’re . . . spontaneous.” Read more →
Not Tonight
Overheard
Nobody I Know
High Noon
My wife and I watched High Noon last night. I asked her if someone was trying to shoot me, would she shoot him first, like Grace Kelly did in the movie? (Oops, I forgot to say Spoiler Alert.) She assured me that she’d gladly shoot anyone who even looked at me funny — and I believe her. Read more →
Why Tiger Woods Gets All the Girls
I get home from the gym and say to my wife, “I’m in such great physical condition, it’s a shame I’m not having an affair with 10 women like Tiger Woods.” “Women care about money,” she says. “You don’t have 10 billion dollars so forget it.” “Oh. Okay.” Read more →
Vanity Fair
Reading a few pages of Vanity Fair — the book, not the magazine — before retiring for the evening . . . I say to my wife, “Man, this Thackeray guy is really funny.” “Funnier than you?” she asks. “He must be.” “Why?” “Well, this book is almost 200 years old and people are still reading it.” “Imagine at the time he wrote it,” she says. “People probably laughed till they choked.” “Exactly.” Read more →
The Basics of Humor
My wife and my dog both have birthdays later this month . . . “I was just thinking,” I say to my wife, “doesn’t Lightning have a birthday coming up?” (Waiting for reaction . . . waiting . . . ) “That was very basic,” she says. Read more →
Khloe and Lamar’s Gift Registry
Here’s the link to Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s gift registry at Geary’s Beverly Hills. Least expensive item: a $90 fish fork. Or how about a $1,140 soup ladle? Read more →
Family Happiness
I was reading a Tolstoy story called “Family Happiness” in bed last night. It was close to midnight when I finished it. “Good story,” I announced to my wife, although she was 90 percent asleep by that time. Without opening her eyes, she asked, “What was it about?” “A man and a woman fall in love and get married. They’re very happy for a while but then the marriage starts to come apart.” “Because the husband spends too much time on Facebook?” she asked. “No, they didn’t have Facebook in 1860. What I didn’t see coming though is that the story turns out to have a happy ending after all.” “Perfect,” she said. “What did you learn from it?” “The past is gone, but you can still find a new life and a different kind of happiness.” “With the same wife?” “Yes.” “Perfect,” she said. Read more →
Pug on a Diet
Early every morning, the pug comes into our room and paws at my side of the bed for me to lift him up. It’s too high for him to jump — the top of the bed’s about four feet off the ground. This morning I leaned over and hoisted him like I always do, but instead of the dog ending up on the bed, I went over the side and almost decapitated myself on the corner of the nightstand, on the way to a hard meeting with Mister Floor. “It’s okay,” my wife said. “Try again tomorrow.” The dog was unharmed. He’s not fat but a modest weight reduction program may be in the cards for him . . . Read more →
Emotional Rescue
The two American journalists imprisoned for five months by North Korea came home to a tear-filled airport reunion with their families Wednesday morning following a dramatic rescue mission led by former President Bill Clinton. In June, the North Korean government sentenced the journalists, who work for former Vice President Al Gore’s Current TV cable channel, to 12 years of hard labor for illegally entering the country. — Daily News I don’t know . . . these gals look very emotional to me. Emotional women are hard to live with. Or so I’ve heard. I’m sure the husbands are happy to have them back though . . . Read more →
We Played a Fun Game This Morning
My owner’s wife chased me around the island in the middle of the kitchen this morning. What a fun game! It all started when she said “Come here, Lightning” and started walking toward me. When she says “Come here, Lightning,” it almost always means I’m going to have to do something I don’t want to do, like take a bath or go to bed — probably bath in this case, because it was morning — so that’s when I started going around the island. A couple of times she tried turning around and going the other way, like I’m supposed to keep going the same way and run right into her. Let me tell you, pugs are a little too smart for that old trick! Finally, when she saw she couldn’t win the game, she said to my owner, who was standing there watching,”Will you hold him for me?” “Oh… Read more →