HER: You don’t sleep enough. You need to go to bed earlier. You know what’s the secret to my youthful appearance? HIM: Telling people what to do every minute? Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Marriage
I’m Killing It on Amazon
I’m explaining to my wife how being an Amazon.com associate works . . . “If I mention a book on my web site, I link it to the book’s page on Amazon. Then if someone clicks through on the link and buys something, I get a small commission.” She loves money-making enterprises. “How much do you make?” she asks excitedly. “It’s around four percent, which usually amounts to around 5 or 10 bucks a year.” “Oh,” she says, rapidly losing interest. “But look,” I say, showing her my online associate report. “Last month, someone clicked through on one of my links and while they were on Amazon, they bought a very expensive camera lens and I got the commission on it: 18 dollars and 48 cents! We could dine out on burritos and beer with that kind of money!” “That’s wonderful!” she says. “Can you print that out so I… Read more →
Painting the Kitchen
Three years ago, my wife had the kitchen painted a light green. I just got home from a week in Toronto to find it returned to the original color. “Why would we pay to have the kitchen painted green,” I ask, “and then pay again to have it painted back to the original color?” “I don’t like green anymore,” she says. Read more →
Force of Habit
Our hotel room in Canada had a king-size bed, which I slept on, and a pull-out sofa that my son slept on. The first night we were there, I picked out my side of the bed and went to sleep. It wasn’t until the second night that it occurred to me: Hey I could sleep right in the middle of this bed if I want to! There’s nobody else in it! “I still slept on my side of the bed when you were gone,” my wife said later. Read more →
A Partly Eaten Cobb Salad from IHOP
As I get home from work, my wife greets me with what looks like a leftover, partly eaten Cobb salad . . . “We went to IHOP,” she says, “and we got this for you.” “Oh, thanks,” I say. “Thanks for thinking of me.” Later in the evening I catch up with my son and ask him what he had to eat at IHOP. “I had a steak omelet and pancakes,” he says. “That sounds really good. I wanted to thank you for treating me to the half-eaten Cobb salad.” “Mom said you’d like that,” he says. “And that was pretty much a whole Cobb salad.” “It looked partly eaten to me.” “The bacon was partly eaten.” “That’s the best part of the salad.” Read more →
The Half-Full Glass
I put a half-full cup of soda from Extra Mile in the fridge and went out to run some errands. When I got back home, the soda was gone. “What happened to my soda?” I asked. “I cleaned out the refrigerator,” my wife said. The optimist sees the glass as half full. The pessimist sees the glass as half empty and throws it out, even if it belongs to someone else . . . Read more →
Another Way to Tell When Your Relationship is in Trouble
I saw these husband and wife profile photos on a Facebook friend list: The photo on the left is the husband’s profile photo. He looks like a more effeminate, French-looking version of the Dos Equis guy. The photo on the right is the wife’s profile photo. You’ll notice it’s the same photo, but she’s taken a page from the Stalin revisionist history playbook and removed hubby from the photo. And note that she didn’t just crop him out, which would be the easy thing to do. She went to the trouble of firing up some photo editing software, erasing him, and recreating her bustline against the new background. She’s just not that into you! Read more →
Keeping the Magic Alive
I went to a 50th wedding anniversary mass today. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead at such a thing but in this case the husband and wife also happen to be my parents so not only was I there, I was there bright and early to hand out programs. Fifty years! How do a man and a woman celebrate with each other such longevity and perseverance? Honey, I want to say something to you tonight that I’ve never said before, although I’ve had it in my heart for many, many years. Three little words . . . . . . let’s try anal . . . Read more →
I Like to Manage My Own Time
The dog and I are having a great time this morning playing tug-of-war. My wife is ironing clothes. “What time is it?” she asks. “It’s 7:22. Are you trying to tell me to stop playing around and go to work?” “No, I’m trying to time it so I can stop ironing and make Casey’s breakfast before he has to go to school.” “Apology accepted.” Read more →
You Have to Look at the Total Cost
My wife decided to highlight her own hair, which costs five dollars if you do it yourself versus 50 dollars at the hair salon. Later I noticed, in the master bathroom, a large black carpet stain in front of her sink. “That can be taken care of,” she said. I said, “I can’t help noticing that someone, probably you, has already tried to get that stain out without much success.” “I don’t have the right cleaning product,” she said. “And it’s time to get the carpet cleaned anyway. Carpet cleaners can get that out easily. Easily. Been there, done that.” “So let’s review,” I said. “We saved 45 dollars on the hair coloring but we’re going to end up spending a thousand to replace the carpet . . .” Read more →
The Secret Sharer
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. — Francis Bacon Happy Mothers Day to my wife, who shares my secrets . . . Read more →
O.J., Hulk and the Shaggy-Haired Pool Boy
Hulk Hogan on his estranged wife and her new boyfriend, “some shaggy-haired pool boy 30 years her junior”: “You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can’t go to anymore, you’re driving through downtown Clearwater [Florida] and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife …. I totally understand O.J. I get it.” Look for the new reality show, “O.J. and Hulk: BFFs & Cellmates 4 Life,” coming soon to a closed-circuit prison camera near you. — Wonderwall Read more →
A Case of Honorable Intentions?
My friend G.L. Hoffman sent this to me: I just want to add that I knocked my wife up on the first try, in case any of my neighbors are reading this . . . Read more →
Good News
My wife runs an insurance agency. She handles all the customer service calls herself and as a result, a) she gets to know her customers very well; and b) she hears a lot of bad news. Today she sent me this email: One of my best clients just passed away yesterday. He is 65 years old and had a heart attack. One of these days I’d like to hear good news sometimes. You and Casey are my good news. Probably I don’t say enough good things about her . . . Read more →
What You Don’t Say
I just got an email from a co-worker with a wedding picture attached . . . Thanks for the picture, I wrote back. I’ve never seen a happier-looking bride, except my wife of course. She replied, That’s for sure…I really couldn’t of been happier for that moment… What I didn’t say: You’ll never be that young again. You’ll never be that beautiful again. You’ll never be that happy again . . . Read more →
Really Crazy
I had an office visit with my doctor, who is also my wife’s doctor . . . We always spend a few minutes talking about my wife, who, to use the medical terminology, is “really crazy.” “She is really crazy,” the doctor says. “I don’t know how you keep your sanity. You always seem so calm. I bow to you.” And she stretches both arms out and actually bows. I’m glad someone is able to get a laugh out of it. Then she refills my Paxil prescription so I can make it through the next six months . . . Read more →
Wife “Accidentally” Shot During Sex
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio — A Tri-State woman is in critical condition Wednesday after police say her husband shot her while they were having sex. — “Man Says Wife Was Accidentally Shot During Sex”, WLWT Cincinnati After you’ve been married for a while, you have to try new things in the bedroom to keep it interesting . . . Read more →
Stacking Plates is Woman’s Work
After Thanksgiving dinner, the hostess asked everyone to please stack their dishes and bring them into the kitchen. I started to stand up — not to stack dishes because my wife had already picked up my dishes — but just to stretch my legs, when my dad, who was sitting next to me, put his hand on my arm and whispered, “Don’t get up. That’s woman’s work.” I said, “I’m just getting up to stretch.” “Don’t move,” he said. My dad, like a lot of men his age, has old school views on gender roles. Earlier in the evening, my mom was saying she’d read that women control 60 percent of the wealth in America. “That’s all right,” my dad said, “because we control the women.” Compare that to one of my nephews, who says things like “I’m nobody’s patsy,” then turns to his wife and says, “Isn’t that right,… Read more →
A Subtle Reminder
I get a call at work from my wife, who says, “I logged on to the credit union web site and a message popped up and said ‘Happy Birthday!’” “Your birthday’s not till tomorrow.” “And I got a Happy Birthday email from Newport Lexus. Wasn’t that nice?” “It sure was.” “I hope people close to me don’t forget about it . . .” Read more →
Prop 8 Ramifications
My son asks how I’m voting on Proposition 8, so I tell him, “I’m not sure I really care that much one way or the other. The amazing thing to me is that same-sex couples actually want to get married. If I hadn’t been allowed to get married, I could have avoided a lot of problems. “On the other hand, if we get rid of the ‘one man, one woman’ requirement, I’m planning to turn the house into a polygamy compound with Lucy Liu and Scarlett Johanssen as my new wives. “Bad choices,” he says. “Who would you pick?” “Jessica Biel.” “Okay, we’ll get her too.” Read more →