I was shooting some hoops at the park this afternoon with my boy, sort of guarding him so he could try out some moves. I suggested that when he drives past a defender, he should cut back into him to keep him from reaching out and making a play on the ball. He tried it again but still didn’t cut back into me with enough gusto. The third time, he overcompensated. Before he even got past me, he drove his shoulder into my solar plexus and knocked me off the end of the court. Did I mention he’s the same size as me and a lot younger? Ouch . . . I’m still feeling it right now. Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
Overheard
“Tomorrow is Good Friday, right? Isn’t today something too?” “I have no idea, Mom.” “I’m gonna call the church.” — ChinaVagina Read more →
Rollo Takes a Walk
The Northwood Wind Ensemble went deep into the repertoire at last week’s Irvine Band Festival for some avant-garde pieces, including one called “Rollo Takes a Walk.” “It’s the quirkiest, gayest piece I’ve ever played,” my son said. “Rollo” didn’t have any good percussion parts, just oddball instrumentation with rimshots, slide whistles, etc. “And in measure 126,” he said, “everybody stops playing and says, ‘Rollo…takes…a walk.’” “Hmmmm.” “Except it’s not written into my part so I don’t say it . . . and I play one note on the chimes.” “What note is it?” “An F.” “I’m thinking the Rollo composer could follow up with an entire Rollo suite,” I said. “‘Rollo Takes a Shower,’ ‘Rollo Takes a Test,’ ‘Rollo Takes a Vacation,’ you see where I’m going with this?” “Stop being stupid,” he said. “Why is it stupid? Because you didn’t think of it?” Read more →
What Kind of Vegetable?
My wife says to the boy, “What kind of vegetable do you want with dinner?” “Cauliflower,” he says. “What? We don’t have any? That sucks.” He’s not a big fan of vegetables . . . Read more →
Crucial Conversations
I know my son had a history test today, and that history is a make-or-break class for him. I want to ask him about the test but we’re having a delicious family meal at Olive Garden and I don’t want to break up the festive mood in the event the news turns out to be bad. I decide to ease into it with some small talk . . . “So, how was recess today?” o_O (BLANK STARE) I continue, “I know you had a history test today but rather than get right into that, I thought we could start with some small talk about recess.” He says, “I haven’t had recess since 6th grade.” “Oh. In that case, how was the history test?” Read more →
An MVP-Caliber Performance
He said it was “an AYSO 10-and-under caliber trophy.” He doesn’t really care though. He doesn’t display the trophies he already has. He had a great season though, and a great game in the finals. The coach asked him to play defenseman this season — which he’s never played — because they had too many forwards. He made a few mistakes but it turned out to be a great coaching move because he’s probably the strongest skater in the league and the best forwards on other teams got frustrated when they couldn’t just skate around him like they could with all the other defensemen. He’d get my MVP vote, if I had an MVP vote, and if the league had an MVP award, which it doesn’t . . . Read more →
IHF Champions
Northwood won their IHF final game against El Dorado, the number one seed, 5-2. I saw this team at the beginning of the season and said to my son, “You guys are going to lose every game.” He said, “I think we’re going to go undefeated.” It turns out he was closer to being right than I was . . . Read more →
Good News
My wife runs an insurance agency. She handles all the customer service calls herself and as a result, a) she gets to know her customers very well; and b) she hears a lot of bad news. Today she sent me this email: One of my best clients just passed away yesterday. He is 65 years old and had a heart attack. One of these days I’d like to hear good news sometimes. You and Casey are my good news. Probably I don’t say enough good things about her . . . Read more →
HW’s Parenting Pointers
Facebook exchange: 1st woman: Why does my 15-year-old son ALWAYS have to push his boundaries??? 2nd woman: Same reason you and I did at 15 🙂 Yeah — bad parenting. If you haven’t figured out what your kid is all about long before he turns 15, you’re both fucked. Sorry, but I ain’t Doctor Fuckin’ Phil. I’m bringin’ it! Read more →
Situational Avoidance
My son’s got a hockey game tonight. His mom is going to bring him to the game; I’m going to bring the hockey gear and meet them there. There’s a risk when we do it that way that the boy gets there and isn’t able to play because I don’t show up with his equipment, but that’s never actually happened. In fact, I’m almost always there first. In spite of that fact, he says to me this morning, “Get there early tonight so we don’t have a situation like last week.” I say, “We didn’t have a ‘situation’ last week. I got there exactly the same time you did.” “Just get there early,” he says. Read more →
Check Your Facts
It’s 7 p.m. and my son’s ready to make a deal . . . “If I study for an hour,” he says, “can I go play basketball at 8?” His mom is skeptical. “You just played Xbox for five hours,” she says. He shakes his head vehemently. “Four-and-a-half hours,” he says. Read more →
In the Mirror
There’s a stranger in the house no one will ever see But everybody says he looks like me. — Elvis Costello, “Stranger in the House” Who is that sad little gray-haired man standing next to my tall, handsome boy? Read more →
Outside the Lines
It’s the last high school roller hockey game of the regular season. One of the kids’ dads shows up for the first time and asks questions like, “Do they win most of their games?” Do they win most of their games?! Are you kidding?! You should know that. Even if you don’t come to the games, you could ask your kid when he gets home. Another dad has a great answer. “Come over here,” he says. “I want to introduce you to your son.” Over on the moms’ side of the bleachers, they’re talking about financial matters. One woman is sad because they bought their house at the peak of the market and they’re financially stuck in it for the foreseeable future. Another woman almost cries describing how 14 years of contributions to her husband’s 401k have been totally wiped out. Meanwhile on the rink, Northwood dominates Capo Valley pretty… Read more →
Here’s What I’ve Done
And when I die And when I’m dead, dead and gone, There’ll be one child born And a world to carry on, to carry on. — Laura Nyro, “And When I Die” It may seem like a small thing, but it’s the best thing I could do. I’ve raised — we’ve raised — and continue to raise, a boy who, at the age of 15, has exceeded me as a person in every way I can think of. He’s even taller than I am. So when I’m gone, he’ll take over my spot, and the world will be a better place . . . Read more →
Taco Tuesday
Hangintherejack.com has coupons for two free tacos, valid ONLY today — Tuesday, February 24, 2009 — from 12:00 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. I know this because my son printed out a sheaf of them last night and asked me to take him to Jack in the Box at midnight for a bedtime taco snack. When that idea sputtered, he laid out his plan for today as follows: Drive through Jack in the Box on the way to school and get two free tacos for breakfast. Drive through Jack in the Box on the way home from school. His mom will get two free tacos in the drive-through lane while he gets out of the car, goes inside and orders two more free tacos. For dinner, repeat Step 2. Read more →
So You Want to Be a Writer
The world is what it is; men who are nothing, who allow themselves to become nothing, have no place in it. — V.S. Naipaul, A Bend in the River This book would be a great gift from a parent to a child who is interested in becoming a writer. When Junior discovers that winning the Nobel Prize in Literature at age 69 entails spending most of one’s decades depressed, impoverished, ignored, and bitter, he will likely knuckle under and agree to pursue radiology. — Philip Greenspun Read more →
A Lesson in Trust
The dog has a stuffed bear he likes to sleep with. Unfortunately, it’s now bedtime and we don’t know where the bear is. “Have you seen his bear?” I ask my wife. “I think he had it upstairs,” she says. “Either in our room or Casey’s room.” “Upstairs” and “bear” are two of the words the dog recognizes so he’s already charged upstairs and waiting for me on the top step. I walk up and ask him, “Where’s your bear?” He runs into my room. We look around in there and can’t find it so we go down the hall to the boy’s room where he’s sitting on the bed doing homework. I say to him, “Where is it, you bear-stealin’ varmint?” He gets up and walks out of the room. “Thanks for the help,” I call after him. “Come on, Lightning, we’ll conduct the search without him.” A few… Read more →
Living on the Edge
I’ve just poured myself a Diet Pepsi when my son announces that diet sodas are unhealthy. “They add things to the diet sodas so they’re even more unhealthy than regular sodas.” I ask him, “What do they add?” “I didn’t get that far into it,” he says, “The article started to get boring.” “In that case, I’m going to go ahead and drink this thing.” Read more →
A Lack of Foresight
It’s chilly tonight in Orange County — temperatures in the low 40s — but the dog still needs to go out for a walk so I ask my son to please take care of it. “It’s kinda cold,” he says. “It’s okay,” I reply. “He’s got fur.” “I don’t have fur.” “You should have thought of that when you asked for a dog.” Read more →
Why Parents Do What They Do
And I know a father who had a son He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things he’d done — Paul Simon, “Slip Sliding Away” This story needs a quick setup . . . My son’s two-year-old birthday party was a festive event. The whole neighborhood was there! We had a bounce house, a clown . . . the only thing that marred the day slightly was that as everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” his mom lifted him up so he could see the cake, and he stuck his finger out and touched a lit candle. It wasn’t a bad burn but he did cry for a while. We have a video of this. That’s why he remembers it. So — we’re having a late lunch today at Souplantation. A kid who looks about four years old runs down the aisle, turns the corner and runs back up… Read more →