EppsNet Archive: Restaurants

At the Drive-Thru

“Hi, would you like to try our new [insert product name here]?” “Do you think I’ll like it?” “Uh, I don’t know.” “Then why are you recommending it? Don’t you want me to be happy?” Read more →

The Aliens Have Landed in Irvine

It’s about one in the afternoon at the Irvine In-N-Out Burger. A guy who looks to be in his early 20s comes in wearing a backward baseball cap, dark sunglasses (which he never removes) and — despite a temperature in the high 80s — a pullover sweater. To simplify the storytelling, let’s call this guy Alf. Alf waits in line, places his order, then immediately walks over and stands in front of the pickup counter. The place is packed, and I can tell from looking at the number on my own ticket that there are about 10 more orders ahead of me, and since I ordered before him, there are about 15 more orders ahead of Alf, so there’s no reason for him to be standing at — in fact, leaning on — the pickup counter. After a few moments, the kid at the pickup counter asks Alf what his… Read more →

Taco Warmer

Photo by supjchwa2 “Jack in the Box tacos have to be eaten when they’re hot, so when I buy them at the drive-thru, I also buy a bag of french fries, set the fries on top of the tacos and use them as a taco warmer to keep the tacos hot until I get them home and eat them.” “Do you eat the fries as well?” “No, I don’t eat the fries. I just use them to keep the tacos warm.” “The french fries keep the tacos warm?’ “Right.” “What keeps the french fries warm?” Read more →

Eating in Restaurants

Before venturing out of your home to eat in a restaurant, learn to chew with your mouth closed. This applies whether you’re 7 or 70 . . . Read more →

EppsNet Restaurant Reviews: Gulliver’s

The smoked salmon appetizer was superb, as was the prime rib entree. Attentive service is provided by busty waitresses in the Brobdingnagian tradition. “Did you notice all the waitresses had big tits?” my wife asked. Highly recommended! Read more →

Stick to the Script. Don’t Ad Lib.

I’m at the Carl’s Jr. drive-thru, and in keeping with the time-honored fast food tradition of having the person with the worst command of the English language and/or the most unintelligible accent work the drive-thru, the guy says, “Welcome to Carl’s Jr. Would you like to try [unintelligible] patty [unintelligible]?” “What?” “Welcome to Carl’s Jr. . . .” Read more →

We Caught a Break at Chili’s Last Night

We got to Chili’s around 8 o’clock last night but it was still very crowded. People were waiting outside. “How long is the wait?” I asked the hostess. “About 25 minutes.” I said to my posse, “I’d rather not wait 25 minutes but I could do it if I had to. What do you guys think?” My wife said, “Put our name on the list and we’ll talk about it outside.” “Paul — party of three.” The hostess gave me one of those devices that beep and light up when your table is ready. At the same time, a gentleman came up to the desk to turn in his device. “We can’t wait anymore,” he said. “Maybe you could give us his device,” I suggested after he left. “Where was he on the list?” She went down the list of names. “Second,” she said. “Yeah, I could do that.” “Thanks.”… Read more →

The Cheese Board

Anti-establishment types One of the highlights of our Berkeley visit was a trip to The Cheese Board for pizza. We parked on a side street and when we walked around the corner I saw a line of people down the sidewalk. “What’s that line?” I asked. “That’s The Cheese Board,” my kid said. “Don’t worry, it goes fast.” He explained that they only make one kind of pizza per day — always vegetarian — so all you can do is order a slice, a half pizza or a whole pizza and be on your way. Yesterday’s selection was fresh corn, feta cheese, mozzarella, and cilantro pesto. Because they serve so fast and the shop is small, there’s not not enough room for all the patrons, many of whom repair to the median on Shattuck Ave. and enjoy their pizza in the shade of the Keep Off Median signs. Read more →

Pushing the Avocado

The girl at Subway was really pushing the avocado today . . . the third time she asked someone, “Do you want anything else on your sandwich? Some avocado, maybe?” I asked her, “Does the avocado cost extra?” “Yes,” she said. “Do you want some?” “No, but I was thinking if it was free it would be a good deal. If I liked avocado.” Read more →

Queueing Theory

Put four fat chicks in one car and you can slow the normally brisk pace of the McDonald’s drive-thru lane down to an absolute crawl . . . Read more →

Overheard at El Cholo

The woman at the next table says to the waiter, “I’ll have the number 6 combo with the chile . . .” She’s struggling with the next word, so the waiter says, “Relleno.” “Right,” she says. The waiter asks if she wants the regular chile or the spicy chile. “Spicy,” she says. I love Mexican food but chile rellenos are a little bit different. I’m not crazy about them. So I can see where he’s coming from when the husband asks her, “Are you sure you know what you’re ordering?” “Number 6,” she says. “I mean, do you know what a chile relleno is?” “Yes.” When the food comes, she asks the waiter, “What am I eating again?” Read more →

Overheard at Souplantation

“The lemon chicken soup is good.” “I don’t like soup. And I don’t like lemon-flavored soup. I like chicken — but not when you dunk it in lemon-flavored soup.” Read more →

Twitter: 2010-08-21

RT @capricecrane: “Spencer Pratt Writing Tell-All About Ex Heidi Montag.” Chapter One: She marries a douchebag. # RT @TheOnion: Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant http://onion.com/a0V23H # Related articles Spencer Pratt to write tell-all book about ex Heidi Montag, as if we don’t already know everything (popwatch.ew.com) Read more →

Happy 17th Birthday

My son turned 17 today at the NARCh tournament in San Jose and he went with his teammates to Applebee’s for dinner. The boys know that he doesn’t like to be the center of attention for things like having “Happy Birthday” sung for him in a restaurant so I’m sure they made every effort to prevent that from happening . . . Read more →

Arizona Restaurant Serving Lion Burgers

Arizona restaurant serving lion burgers — UPI.com WAITER: We don’t get a lot of lions in here. LION: At these prices, I’m not surprised. Read more →

Personal Preferences

One of my son’s friends, his parents split up some time back because his dad, as it turned out, was not really attracted to women. I met the gentleman for the first time last night at a school concert. How he was able to convince anyone, including himself, that he’s not gay is a mystery. “Did you notice they’re opening a new restaurant at South Coast Plaza?” he said in a voice as gay as Christmas. “They’ll be serving only locally grown food. I was on my way to the Apple Store . . .” Now I’m not saying that every man who cares about where his food is grown or owns an Apple product is gay but . . . “I own an Apple product,” my son says. “Yeah, an iPod,” I reply. “That’s okay. That’s mainstream.” Read more →

It’s Not About You

It has to be about your readers, who will, it’s hoped, become your customers. It has to be about making them awesome. So, for example, if you’re selling a clever attachment to a camera that diffuses harsh flash light, don’t talk about the technical features or about your holiday sale (10 percent off!). Make a list of 10 tips for being a better photographer. If you’re opening a restaurant, don’t blog about your menu. Blog about great food. You’ll attract foodies who don’t care about your restaurant yet. If you make superior, single-source chocolate, don’t write about that great trip you took to the Dominican Republic to source cocoa beans. That’s all about you. Instead, write the definitive article about making chocolate-covered strawberries. For the next 10 years, whenever a gourmand or a baker searches Google for a recipe on how to make chocolate-covered strawberries, he or she will find… Read more →

Somebody Stop Me!

I went to Subway for lunch and ordered my sandwich in an Australian accent: “LEH-us, to-MAH-to . . .” Good times! Read more →

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