EppsNet Archive: Weather

Does Global Warming Cause Hurricanes?

Anyone who thinks global warming causes hurricanes should be required to explain in detail: the cause and effect mechanism they believe to be in operation; and what used to cause hurricanes before global warming. Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can. On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

Prescience

Unexpected rain in July makes my decision not to wash my car since last year look eerily prescient. Read more →

I Killed a Guy in Florida

Hi everybody! it’s me, Lightning! I knew I should have killed those two guys under the truck so there wouldn’t be any witnesses. HA HA! Kidding! I wasn’t even in Florida! — Lightning Read more →

It’s Hot in July: Everybody Panic!

When it’s hot in July, it’s global warming. When it’s cold in January, climate isn’t weather. Read more →

For Some Things, You Need a Man

80 Percent Of Lightning Strike Victims Are Male, But Why? — NPR Same reason all of your top executives are men — because we’re risk takers and we don’t run and hide under our blankies at the first sign of danger. Read more →

More Fun at Border Crossings

“Where are you folks from?” the border agent asks. “Irvine, California.” “How long were you in Canada?” “About half a day.” “Why such a short stay?” “We’re staying in Seattle for a few days and just came up for a visit.” “How do you like this cold weather?” “No big deal. I grew up in cold weather.” My son makes a sputtering noise in the back seat. “Is he okay?” the agent asks. “Well, unfortunately he’s got irreversible brain damage to his frontal lobes. We still love him though.” “Is anyone in the car carrying $10,000 or more in cash?” “American dollars or Canadian?” “American.” “I wish.” “Is that a yes or a no, sir?” “Sorry. No.” After we pass through the border check, the boy says in a mocking tone, “‘I grew up in cold weather.’ In La Mirada.” “La Mirada is subject to extreme temperature fluctations,” I reply.… Read more →

NARCh 2011 – Day 4

Semifinal: Devil Dogs vs. Tour Stealth Both teams played a strong game. The Devil Dogs gave up the first goal, evened it up at 1-1, then allowed the go-ahead goal with about four minutes left. They had some chances to tie it back up but couldn’t make it happen. Stealth added an empty-net goal with two seconds left. Final Score: Stealth 3, Devil Dogs 1 Semifinal: Choice Inline Selects vs. Top Gun I didn’t see this game because I was watching the Devil Dog semi so I can’t tell you anything about it other than the final score. Final Score: Selects 4, Top Gun 2   Bronze Medal Game: Devil Dogs vs. Top Gun Three of the four teams in the semifinals win a medal — gold, silver or bronze. One team — the loser of the bronze medal game — doesn’t. Coming into this game, I was trying to… Read more →

“Now . . . This”

“Now . . . this” is commonly used on radio and television newscasts to indicate that what one has just heard or seen has no relevance to what one is about to hear or see, or possibly to anything one is likely to hear or see. . . . There is no murder so brutal, no earthquake so devastating, no political blunder so costly–for that matter, no ball score so tantalizing or weather report so threatening–that it cannot be erased from our minds by a newscaster saying “Now . . . this.” The newscaster means that you have thought long enough on the previous matter (approximately forty-five seconds), that you must not be morbidly preoccupied with it (let us say, for ninety seconds), and that you must now give your attention to another fragment of news or a commercial. — Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death Read more →

Groundhog Day

Who came up with the stupid idea to once a year ask a GROUNDHOG his opinion about the WEATHER?! You should ask a PUG his opinion about the weather. I HAVE NO OPINION ABOUT WEATHER! PUGS ARE DOMINANT IN ALL WEATHER CONDITIONS! — Lightning Read more →

Hockey Practice Will Never Be Cancelled

Under no circumstances will hockey practice ever be cancelled. Ever. Even on days when school is cancelled, practice is still on. A game may be cancelled due to inclement weather because of travel concerns for the visiting team, but it would have to rain razor blades and bocce balls to cancel hockey practice at your local rink. It’s good karma to respect the game. — John Buccigross, ESPN.com Read more →

Twitter: 2009-08-31

If you leave the final s off the word assess, spell-check will not flag it as an error. This was an accidental discovery, like penicillin. # I saw a kid walking around today wearing a ski cap. A SKI CAP!? IT'S 93 DEGREES! Wearing SKIS would make more sense! # Read more →

Toronto in July

We’re off to Toronto for a week for NARCh. I wonder what the weather’s like in Toronto in July. At least there won’t be thunderstorms every day like the NARCh tournaments we went to in Florida. Let me check the forecast . . . Read more →

Doomsday Cometh

Credit: Paula Wirth I saw my brother for the first time in years this past weekend. He’s been living in Utah but he’s now on his way to Alaska to escape the coming Armageddon. Canada and Mexico will be invading the United States from the top and bottom . . . I’ve forgotten the details, but it’s going to be bad. I don’t know why he was informed about this and I wasn’t. I’m not moving to Alaska though. I’m not a cold-weather person. They can kill me right here in a pair of shorts . . . Read more →

Microblog: 2009-04-20

Carrie Fisher on her core audience: Alcoholics, addicts, gay (both sexes), mentally ill & people named Erica – http://twurl.nl/hvswww # You know my motto: I never metacognitive I didn’t like. # Temps are soaring in the OC. Treated myself to an ice-cold lemonade at lunch… # @NoReinsGirl That’s why I stockpile rum, coke and ice. Emergency preparedness! in reply to NoReinsGirl # Read more →

Microblog: 2009-04-05

RT @Ben373: Being responsible is below my pay grade. 🙂 (The New Yorker) # Temperatures soared into the 80s in Orange County this weekend. Thank god I stockpiled enough rum, Coke and ice to ride it out… # @Ben373 My wife is Asian. Your post gave her the idea of putting birthday candles in wonton soup. I can’t see how that’s going to work… in reply to Ben373 # Read more →

Emergency Preparedness

Temperatures soared into the 80s in Orange County this weekend. Thank god I stockpiled enough rum, Coke and ice to ride it out . . . Read more →

Snow Diary

I’m supposed to be doing some stuff in London today, but the snivelling tossers cancelled all the trains and buses because there was a bit of snow. On the bright side, shutting down our financial services industry for a day will save the country billions. — Harry Hutton Read more →

Stormy Weather

The first storm of the season is rolling through Southern California, which means it’s time to bring back the time-honored tradition of sending female TV reporters out to do live weather remotes. I saw a woman on TV this morning standing in a blizzard to tell me that it’s snowing in the Cajon Pass. Really?! It always snows in the Cajon Pass. She could have told me the same thing from inside a heated studio. Some day, one of these women is going to get pneumonia or frostbite and sue this whole sadistic practice out of existence . . . Read more →

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