EppsNet Archive: Weather

Does Global Warming Cause Hurricanes?

14 Sep 2017 /

Anyone who thinks global warming causes hurricanes should be required to explain in detail:

  1. the cause and effect mechanism they believe to be in operation; and
  2. what used to cause hurricanes before global warming.

See You in Hell

11 Oct 2015 /


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can.

On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”?

See you in Hell . . .


18 Jul 2015 /

Rain cloud

Unexpected rain in July makes my decision not to wash my car since last year look eerily prescient.

I Killed a Guy in Florida

5 Sep 2013 /

Lightning in Florida

Lightning Epps

Hi everybody! it’s me, Lightning!

I knew I should have killed those two guys under the truck so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.

HA HA! Kidding! I wasn’t even in Florida!

— Lightning paw

It’s Hot in July: Everybody Panic!

3 Jul 2012 /

When it’s hot in July, it’s global warming. When it’s cold in January, climate isn’t weather.

For Some Things, You Need a Man

2 Jul 2012 /

80 Percent Of Lightning Strike Victims Are Male, But Why?NPR

Same reason all of your top executives are men — because we’re risk takers and we don’t run and hide under our blankies at the first sign of danger.

More Fun at Border Crossings

24 Jun 2012 /
Border Crossing

“Where are you folks from?” the border agent asks.

“Irvine, California.”

“How long were you in Canada?”

“About half a day.”

“Why such a short stay?”

“We’re staying in Seattle for a few days and just came up for a visit.”

“How do you like this cold weather?”

“No big deal. I grew up in cold weather.”

My son makes a sputtering noise in the back seat.

“Is he okay?” the agent asks.

“Well, unfortunately he’s got irreversible brain damage to his frontal lobes. We still love him though.”

“Is anyone in the car carrying $10,000 or more in cash?”

“American dollars or Canadian?”


“I wish.”

“Is that a yes or a no, sir?”

“Sorry. No.”

After we pass through the border check, the boy says in a mocking tone, “‘I grew up in cold weather.’ In La Mirada.”

“La Mirada is subject to extreme temperature fluctations,” I reply. “Much more so than Irvine.”

NARCh 2011 – Day 4

23 Jul 2011 /

Semifinal: Devil Dogs vs. Tour Stealth

Both teams played a strong game. The Devil Dogs gave up the first goal, evened it up at 1-1, then allowed the go-ahead goal with about four minutes left.

They had some chances to tie it back up but couldn’t make it happen.

Stealth added an empty-net goal with two seconds left.

Final Score: Stealth 3, Devil Dogs 1

Semifinal: Choice Inline Selects vs. Top Gun

I didn’t see this game because I was watching the Devil Dog semi so I can’t tell you anything about it other than the final score.

Final Score: Selects 4, Top Gun 2


Bronze Medal Game: Devil Dogs vs. Top Gun

Three of the four teams in the semifinals win a medal — gold, silver or bronze. One team — the loser of the bronze medal game — doesn’t.

Coming into this game, I was trying to figure out how to convince my kid, if his team lost, that even though they ended the tournament with two losses and came away with nothing, they still played a great tournament — better than all but three of the teams in the country.

As it turned out, I didn’t have to do that.

The Devil Dogs were quite a bit better than Top Gun and dominated the game. They were faster and stronger and got to every puck first.

My boy scored the last goal of the game. I’ve watched him play a lot of games and score a lot of goals over the last 12 years or so but he’s starting college in a few weeks and his future hockey plans are uncertain at this time. It may be the last goal he ever scores.

Final Score: Devil Dogs 6, Top Gun 0


Final: Choice Inline Selects vs. Tour Stealth

Both teams are strong defensively. The game was scoreless until midway through the second period. Stealth took a 1-0 lead and the Selects tied it 1-1 with 1:13 left in the game.

It looked like the game was headed for overtime when the top shooter from Stealth fired a perfect wrist shot into the top left corner of the net, past the best goalie in the division, to win the tournament with 1.1 seconds remaining.

Final Score: Stealth 2, Selects 1


My expectations for this Devil Dog team started out pretty low. They haven’t been a powerhouse team this season. The goaltending and discipline have been subpar at times.

They hadn’t won a tournament in a while even in local and regional events, so my hopes were not high for their ability to compete at the national level.

At the beginning of the tournament, my hope was that they would at least win a game.

When they won a game, I hoped that they would win another game. Then I hoped they would make the playoffs. Then I hoped they would make the semifinals and then I hoped that they would win a medal.

I just saw all the kids eating pizza in the lobby of the hotel here so I took the opportunity to tell them that they’re great players, they’ve got a lot of heart, and I’ve really enjoyed watching them play.

That’s it from Florida, where the weather’s been great except for the heat, humidity and thunderstorms.

Heading back home in the morning . . .

“Now . . . This”

18 Jul 2011 /

“Now . . . this” is commonly used on radio and television newscasts to indicate that what one has just heard or seen has no relevance to what one is about to hear or see, or possibly to anything one is likely to hear or see. . . . There is no murder so brutal, no earthquake so devastating, no political blunder so costly–for that matter, no ball score so tantalizing or weather report so threatening–that it cannot be erased from our minds by a newscaster saying “Now . . . this.” The newscaster means that you have thought long enough on the previous matter (approximately forty-five seconds), that you must not be morbidly preoccupied with it (let us say, for ninety seconds), and that you must now give your attention to another fragment of news or a commercial.

— Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Groundhog Day

3 Feb 2011 /
Subduing an over-aggressive puggle

Who came up with the stupid idea to once a year ask a GROUNDHOG his opinion about the WEATHER?! You should ask a PUG his opinion about the weather.


— Lightning paw

Hockey Practice Will Never Be Cancelled

10 Mar 2010 /
Hockey rink

Under no circumstances will hockey practice ever be cancelled. Ever. Even on days when school is cancelled, practice is still on. A game may be cancelled due to inclement weather because of travel concerns for the visiting team, but it would have to rain razor blades and bocce balls to cancel hockey practice at your local rink. It’s good karma to respect the game.

— John Buccigross, ESPN.com

Twitter: 2009-08-31

31 Aug 2009 /
  • If you leave the final s off the word assess, spell-check will not flag it as an error. This was an accidental discovery, like penicillin. #
  • I saw a kid walking around today wearing a ski cap. A SKI CAP!? IT'S 93 DEGREES! Wearing SKIS would make more sense! #

Toronto in July

8 Jul 2009 /

We’re off to Toronto for a week for NARCh. I wonder what the weather’s like in Toronto in July. At least there won’t be thunderstorms every day like the NARCh tournaments we went to in Florida.

Let me check the forecast . . .

Toronto weather forecast

Doomsday Cometh

15 Jun 2009 /
We have entered the atomic age

Credit: Paula Wirth

I saw my brother for the first time in years this past weekend. He’s been living in Utah but he’s now on his way to Alaska to escape the coming Armageddon.

Canada and Mexico will be invading the United States from the top and bottom . . . I’ve forgotten the details, but it’s going to be bad. I don’t know why he was informed about this and I wasn’t.

I’m not moving to Alaska though. I’m not a cold-weather person. They can kill me right here in a pair of shorts . . .

Microblog: 2009-04-20

20 Apr 2009 /
  • Carrie Fisher on her core audience: Alcoholics, addicts, gay (both sexes), mentally ill & people named Erica – http://twurl.nl/hvswww #
  • You know my motto: I never metacognitive I didn’t like. #
  • Temps are soaring in the OC. Treated myself to an ice-cold lemonade at lunch… #
  • @NoReinsGirl That’s why I stockpile rum, coke and ice. Emergency preparedness! in reply to NoReinsGirl #

Microblog: 2009-04-05

5 Apr 2009 /
  • RT @Ben373: Being responsible is below my pay grade. 🙂 (The New Yorker) #
  • Temperatures soared into the 80s in Orange County this weekend. Thank god I stockpiled enough rum, Coke and ice to ride it out… #
  • @Ben373 My wife is Asian. Your post gave her the idea of putting birthday candles in wonton soup. I can’t see how that’s going to work… in reply to Ben373 #

Emergency Preparedness

5 Apr 2009 /

Temperatures soared into the 80s in Orange County this weekend. Thank god I stockpiled enough rum, Coke and ice to ride it out . . .

Snow Diary

2 Feb 2009 /

I’m supposed to be doing some stuff in London today, but the snivelling tossers cancelled all the trains and buses because there was a bit of snow. On the bright side, shutting down our financial services industry for a day will save the country billions.

Stormy Weather

15 Dec 2008 /

The first storm of the season is rolling through Southern California, which means it’s time to bring back the time-honored tradition of sending female TV reporters out to do live weather remotes.

I saw a woman on TV this morning standing in a blizzard to tell me that it’s snowing in the Cajon Pass.

Really?! It always snows in the Cajon Pass. She could have told me the same thing from inside a heated studio.

Some day, one of these women is going to get pneumonia or frostbite and sue this whole sadistic practice out of existence . . .

Other Than That . . .

30 Sep 2008 /
Lightning sign

We had a power outage at the office around 8:30 in the morning in the middle of a thunderstorm.

I work with the overhead lights off in my office anyway. The wall behind me is mostly one big window so I get enough light from that.

A co-worker poked his head in the door to say, “Since you work in the dark, you probably didn’t notice the power outage.”

“I noticed the lights went out in the hallway,” I said. “And I noticed that my computer shut down with 12 programs open. Other than that, business as usual.”

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