On Nov. 4, my fellow Californians and I will vote on Proposition 8, an initiative to ban same-sex marriages, which were made legal by a state Supreme Court ruling in May. I know a guy — let’s call him Trog . . . Trog seems to have emerged from the mists of time untouched by human evolution. Not surprisingly, Trog supports Proposition 8 and he feels strongly enough about it that if you stop by his office, you’ll see a fair amount of Yes on 8 campaign material. Now I have to say that the idea of two people of the same sex getting married and making out with each other — provided they’re female and hot — does far less to tarnish my view on the sanctity of marriage than does the thought of some woman allowing this mouth-breathing ape to clamber on top of her and deposit his… Read more →
October 2008
Declinations
I’m going to start declining invitations to meetings that have vague goals; a long list of invitees who don’t know how to come to the point; a moderator who doesn’t know when to cut people off. Thus spoke The Programmer. Read more →
Trained Dogs
When Righteous Kill came out recently, the build-up was that it featured Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, “the most acclaimed actors of our time.” So what’s the big hit at the box office? Beverly Hills Chihuahua, a talking dog movie. When you’re “the most acclaimed X of our time” and you can be replaced by a trained dog, you know you’re in a stupid profession. Read more →
Santa Ana Winds
There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands’ necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge. — Raymond Chandler, “Red Wind” Read more →
They Grow Up Fast
My wife comes home with a new Tommy Bahama shirt for me — 60 percent off — “but they didn’t have anything for kids,” she explains to our son, who’s now 15 years old. “Ummm, I wear the same size as Dad,” he points out. Read more →
It Could Have Been Worse
We took Lightning to the Huntington Dog Beach this morning . . . As we were parking the car, my wife asked, “Do they have bathrooms here?” “They have portables,” I said, pointing them out. “OK, you guys go ahead and I’ll meet you down at the beach.” Later, when we got back to the car, I asked, “Where’s my coffee?” “It’s all gone,” she said. “It may be all gone now but it wasn’t all gone when I left it here.” “I had to pee in it.” “You peed in my coffee cup?” “I can’t use those portables.” “Why couldn’t you pee in your own coffee?” “I had to make a judgment call.” “Well . . . thanks for not setting it back and letting me drink out of it.” Read more →
Hockey Moms vs. Soccer Moms
Hockey moms are pit bulls with lipstick. Soccer moms are cat burglars . . . Read more →
Another Reason I Like to Just Stay Home
Nigeria Rules
You may be thinking “Nigeria Rules” now, dude, but wait till all 86 of your wives have PMS at the same time . . . Read more →
Dog Investors
Hi Everybody — I saw this headline today on an Associated Press story: As a dog investor myself, I just wanted to assure you that I am not worried. In fact, I’m sleeping like a puppy . . . The key to investing is taking a long-term view of the market. Stocks are down? It’s a buying opportunity! Among the stocks I’m currently recommending are PetSmart (PETM) – Woof woof! Volcom (VLCM), Under Armour (UA) – I see lots of young humans wearing these brands. BJ’s Restaurants (BJRI) – I’ve never been but my owner says it’s really good and always crowded! Sonic Corporation (SONC) – I love the commercials with the two people talking in the car! So funny! — Lightning Read more →
Free Advice
At age 18, people care very much about what others think of them. By age 40, they learn not to worry what others think. By age 60, they figure out that no one was thinking about them in the first place. — Daniel Amen, M.D. I’ve messed up so many times because I was worried what other people would think of me. You’re perfect the way you are. The worst thing you can do is try to be what you think other people think you should be . . . Read more →
At the Lakers Game
My son and I went to the Lakers game last night, a pre-season game against Utah . . . Pre-game As we were walking in, he pointed out an Asian girl with a spiky-haired Asian guy wearing an Olympics jersey and said, “That guy with the Olympic jersey pulled a hotter Asian woman than you.” The girl was hotter than my wife is now, but not hotter than she was at that age. “You don’t know anything,” I said. “Mom was pretty hot.” “Yeah. Right.” Game Pretty good game! The starters played more than I thought they would. Andrew Bynum is back. He looked good! Jerry Buss was there. He looked terrible. Thirty minutes before the game, a guy rolled him out in a wheelchair to the end of the court. It took him several minutes to hobble from there to his courtside seat. My son said he had a… Read more →
Dog Buttons
These are OG! I hope my owner buys me one! Read more →
Good News, Bad News
First the bad news: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THERE’S NOTHING BUT BAD NEWS! THE HOUSING MARKET HAS COLLAPSED! GLOBAL MARKETS ARE IMPLODING! EVERYTHING IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL! THE FALCON CANNOT HEAR THE FALCONER! THE CEREMONY OF INNOCENCE IS DROWNED! THE BEST LACK ALL CONVICTION WHILE THE WORST ARE FULL OF PASSIONATE INTENSITY! EVERYBODY PANIC! OK, now the good news: Hmmm . . . well . . . as long as I have a job, I can make enough to live on . . . I think . . . Read more →
Epigram
On love, on grief, on every human thing, Time sprinkles Lethe’s water with his wing. — Walter Savage Landor [Lethe is the river of forgetfulness. — Ed.] Read more →
That was Then, This is Now
Oct 3, 1995 Oct 3, 2008 Read more →
Raising the Confident Child
I know a guy — let’s call him Goofus . . . Goofus is dumb. I don’t mean that in a colloquial way. I don’t mean that he’s uneducated. I mean he clearly has a subnormal level of intelligence. The most striking thing about him though is that he’s completely unaware of his own limitations. I’ve never heard him utter anything but platitudes and nonsense but in his mind, he’s the most interesting man in the world. So many kids by the age of 12 or so have had their confidence in their own abilities extinguished by parents and teachers, that I really have to give Goofus’s parents a lot of credit. I’m not kidding. They raised a supremely confident idiot. Read more →
Pug Photos on Flickr
Originally uploaded by ♥ellie♥ Originally uploaded by ♥ellie♥ Originally uploaded by whiteribbon Originally uploaded by lhemmix_ph Originally uploaded by smeado Read more →
Breast Awareness Month
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month . . . Were you aware of that? Not to make light of breast cancer, but what a waste of a month. I mean, who is not aware of breast cancer? Being unaware of breast cancer is like being unaware of breasts. Hmmmm . . . How about this: Breast Awareness Month! More of a fun, celebratory thing instead of the whole downer vibe around cancer . . . Read more →