Sarah Henderson, daughter of Fritz Henderson, the just-resigned-minutes-ago GM CEO, posted some choice words about Ed Whitacre, the random white guy taking her dad’s place at the top of the just-emerged-from-bankruptcy automaker, on the automaker’s public Facebook page!
A friend’s Facebook post about bullies in school reminded me of when I was 10 or 11 and the neighborhood bully was menacing a junior high band nerd. All of a sudden, the band nerd hauled off and socked him right in the face and the bully ran home crying.
What an impression that made on me! Of course I’m not advocating socking bullies in the face . . . no wait, I guess I am . . .
I say to my son, “Now there’s a Firefox plugin so you can dislike stuff on Facebook. I disliked three things already.”
“Cool,” he says, walking out of the room. “I gotta get that right now.”
He comes back in with his laptop. “First I’ve got to download Firefox,” he says.
“You’re downloading Firefox just so you can dislike stuff on Facebook?”
“That’s right.”
What Happens to Your Facebook Profile When You Die?
I plan to post updates from the afterlife. Example: “Why is everything red?”
I was reading a Tolstoy story called “Family Happiness” in bed last night. It was close to midnight when I finished it.
“Good story,” I announced to my wife, although she was 90 percent asleep by that time.
Without opening her eyes, she asked, “What was it about?”
“A man and a woman fall in love and get married. They’re very happy for a while but then the marriage starts to come apart.”
“Because the husband spends too much time on Facebook?” she asked.
“No, they didn’t have Facebook in 1860. What I didn’t see coming though is that the story turns out to have a happy ending after all.”
“Perfect,” she said. “What did you learn from it?”
“The past is gone, but you can still find a new life and a different kind of happiness.”
“With the same wife?”
“Yes.”
“Perfect,” she said.
I saw these husband and wife profile photos on a Facebook friend list:
The photo on the left is the husband’s profile photo. He looks like a more effeminate, French-looking version of the Dos Equis guy.
The photo on the right is the wife’s profile photo.
You’ll notice it’s the same photo, but she’s taken a page from the Stalin revisionist history playbook and removed hubby from the photo.
And note that she didn’t just crop him out, which would be the easy thing to do. She went to the trouble of firing up some photo editing software, erasing him, and recreating her bustline against the new background.
She’s just not that into you!
Seen on Facebook:
Original Poster: RIP Michael Jacokson!
Commenter: Michael Jacokson died on the same day as Michael Jackson? How bizarre is that?
Original Poster: OMFG really!! I think the death of Michael JACKSON is more important than a freakin typo!
Commenter: So Michael Jacokson is still alive? THANK GOD!
This showed up on Facebook this morning (name changed):
Jacques Strap is amazed that God cares about even the smallest details of my life.
In the words of Lyle Lovett: “That’s the difference between God and me.”
This exchange — a post followed by a comment — showed up on my Facebook home page today. The poster and the commenter are both women, btw . . .
let’s play a game! Who am I?? I’m the first to talk shit behind peoples back, but when I’m talked about i’m the first to get all pissy! Who am I?
Every female known to man.
I spit cola all over my desk when I read that . . .
A Facebook friend recently posted a set of Washington DC photos. Almost all of the photos show people standing in front of easily recognizable landmarks, but all of them are dutifully captioned — White House, Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial, etc.
The one exception is a photo of two people in an ornate lobby with the caption: “I forget where we are here.”
This has been making the rounds of my Facebook friends so I thought I’d repost my answers here:
A – Age: Extremely late 30s
B – Bed Size: Procrustean
C – Chore You Hate? If it’s a chore, I hate it
D – Dogs Name? Lightning
E – Essential Daily Items? Nothing is essential
F – Favorite Color? Blue. No, yell– AUUUUUUUUGH!
G – Gold Or Silver? Whatever
H – Height? 6-0, give or take
I – Instruments You Play? Drums and piano, both poorly
J – Job Title? Lord of Logic
K – Kids? Son, age 15
L – Living Arrangements? Wife, kid and dog, in a rapidly depreciating house
M – Mom’s Name? Good question…I only knew her as “Mom”
N – Nicknames? Like Charlie Brown, I always wanted to be called “Flash”
O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth? Burst fracture, L1 (i.e. broken back); laparascopic cholecystectomy (i.e. gall bladder out)
P – Pet Peeves? Other people and their pet peeves
Q – Quote From A Movie? “I am letting you into the secret of all secrets, mirrors are gates through which death comes and goes. Moreover if you see your whole life in a mirror you will see death at work as you see bees behind the glass in a hive.” — Jean Cocteau, Orphée
R – Right Or Left Handed? Right
S – Siblings? One sister, two brothers, and two more sisters
T – Time You Wake Up? Weekdays 5 AM, weekends whenever
U – Underwear? To paraphrase the Dos Equis guy, “I don’t always wear underwear, but when I do, I prefer boxer briefs.”
V – Vegetable You Dislike? “Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.” — Garrison Keillor. Oh wait, DIS-like? Are yams a vegetable? If not, lima beans or squash.
W – Ways You Run Late? Spending too much time on the Internet
X – X-Rays You’ve Had? Dental, foot, wrist, back, head, finger, blah blah blah…do MRIs count too?
Y – Yummy Food You Make? Bourbon and coke. Is that a food? Sometimes I combine two kinds of cereal and it comes out really good.
Z – Zoo Favorites? Meerkats probably
I’m waiting for Jeff to get me the server uptime numbers for March when I see this Facebook update:
Oh he loves those Facebook name applications. He’s got a Clown Name, a Smurf Name . . .
I add a comment: Hey Buttons! I need those server numbers. Hop to it…
He deletes my comment and deletes me from his friend list. His sidekick — the Barney to his Fred — also deletes me from his friend list.
He does send me the server numbers though, so it’s OK. I’m results-oriented . . .
Facebook exchange:
1st woman: Why does my 15-year-old son ALWAYS have to push his boundaries???
2nd woman: Same reason you and I did at 15
Yeah — bad parenting.
If you haven’t figured out what your kid is all about long before he turns 15, you’re both fucked.
Sorry, but I ain’t Doctor Fuckin’ Phil. I’m bringin’ it!
Effective immediately, I’m going to start de-friending everyone who sends a Facebook status update about how glad they are that it’s Friday, how glad they are that it’s Thursday because it’s almost Friday, how gloomy they are because it’s Monday, how they hate to be at work, blah blah blah et fucking cetera.
SHUT UP LOSERS! Stop wasting your life and mine with this nonsense!
Find an activity that you love and engage in it . . .
One of my in-laws says to me, “I enjoy reading your Facebook updates.”
“Thanks,” I say. “I enjoy reading yours too. When I’m having trouble sleeping.”
Several ordinary life stories, if told in rapid succession, tend to make life look far more pointless than it really is, probably.
To update that quote for modern times, replace “ordinary life stories, if told” with “Facebook status updates, if read.”
Oh the vapidity . . .
Here’s the status update I did post:
Paul is shoehorning the limitlessness of life through the limitations of the present…
A woman whose son plays on a roller hockey team with my son posted the following comment:
Wow. That’s actually pretty profound & it took me a few seconds to process that!
And here’s the comment I didn’t write in response:
That’s why I bring a book to hockey tournaments, so I don’t have to spend the time between games trying to talk to people who’d always be 5 seconds behind me.
We don’t just want more friends than everybody else; we also want the highest score in Word Twist and the most virtual Easter Eggs. I recently spent nearly 24 hours playing Scramble on Facebook until I had a higher score than my friend Dough Dough. Why? Because I knew Facebook would send him a note that said; “Raina has beaten your personal high score on Scramble.” When he commented on his complete and total defeat, I just said; “I didn’t know Facebook would tell you that. OMG! LOL!”
Wednesday was national signing day for college football. Looks like UCLA got a good group of kids.
One of my Facebook friends, a UCLA grad, updated his status to say that he thinks UCLA will now rule the city in basketball AND football.
I posted a comment on his status: What about SAT scores?
And within minutes he had dropped me from his friend list, after sending me an angry email saying that USC is getting smart kids internationally and out of state while UCLA has to take California kids and besides that they’re manipulating the stats and blah blah blah . . .
To fully appreciate that, you need to know that traditionally the perception has been that the rich SoCal kids go to USC while the smart kids go to UCLA. In recent years though, USC has moved ahead in SAT scores, GPA, National Merit Scholars, etc., and continues to widen the gap.
So now the USC kids are richer AND smarter and the Bruins aren’t taking it well. Not at all.
FIGHT ON!
