EppsNet Archive: Hell

See You in Hell, Champions of Diversity

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I love diversity and inclusion and equity. Why do I love diversity and inclusion and equity? Because they make everyone hate each other even more than they already do. On one side, you have the people thinking “Look, life’s not a fucking fairy tale for anybody. I’ve been eating a shit sandwich every day of my adult life to stay alive in this profession and these narcissistic pricks want to coattail their way in on a ‘diversity’ exemption.” And on the other side: “The numbers prove that these privileged cocksuckers aren’t giving us a fair shake. Fuck ’em. Their time is over.” In fact, “love” is too weak a word for what I feel. I luuurve it! I loave it! I luff it, two F’s, yes I have to invent! Hell is open borders. Heaven has… Read more →

See You in Hell . . . if There Is a Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] John Lennon lyrics are now Catholic doctrine! See you in Hell! Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Heaven has gates, a wall and extreme vetting. Racist! See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I hate to say I told you so. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell: Robert E. Lee Edition

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I saw this on Facebook today: First of all, the temperature on that screencap — 81 degrees? That’s the temperature in Los Angeles. The temperature here in Hell is much hotter. Secondly, Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on the planet. Did you know that 25 percent of them think that the sun goes around the earth? So most Americans don’t even know who Robert E. Lee was, let alone the name of his horse (it was Traveller, with two l’s). Once it’s explained to them — who Robert E. Lee was, his horse’s name, what the Civil War was all about — they put it all together: the USC mascot is a racist horse! Also coming under scrutiny: everyone named Robert or Lee or having the middle initial E. See you… Read more →

See You In Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Doctors are right to give transgender kids puberty-blockers and hormones at younger ages. https://t.co/DcNgjUTXj7 pic.twitter.com/UFziAAZwQC — NYT Opinion (@nytopinion) April 9, 2017 I just wanted to let everyone know that Joseph Mengele is down here kicking himself because he didn’t think of this first. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

Parsnip Puree

I hope there’s a special place in Hell for anyone who serves an unlabeled bowl of parsnip puree at a buffet. Parsnip puree, which I’d never heard of before today’s lunch buffet, is indistinguishable from mashed potatoes, until you dish up a big spoonful, take a bite and say “What the hell is wrong with these potatoes?” Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can. On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! Friends have asked my opinion of the new Diablo hot sauce from Taco Bell . . . I love the name! You call that hot?! See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I see that Pope Francis put a bee in Turkey’s bonnet a couple of weeks ago by calling the mass killing of Armenians in 1915 a genocide. According to the Turks, the Vatican should look to its own history before casting stones. Tu quoque! On that note, the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for Biography was just awarded to David I. Kertzer for The Pope and Mussolini: The Secret History of Pius XI and the Rise of Fascism in Europe. Historically, popes have been far more circumspect in condemning genocide and other atrocities when committed by countries willing to aggrandize the Church (or when committed by the Church itself!) See you in Hell, clerics of all stripes . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I just read about a father and son teaming up to punch out the son’s high school basketball coach because the teen wasn’t getting enough playing time. What a heartwarming story! A lot of young black men don’t have a male role model in their lives. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell, Raisin Man

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! We had a special arrival today! I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say, “There should be a special place in Hell for whoever decided to put raisins in trail mix.” Everything in trail mix is crunchy, except the raisins. The raisins are like shock absorbers. You can’t crunch the crunchy stuff because your teeth get caught on the raisins. Well, guess who’s here? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] CLAYTON, Mo.— A grand jury declined to indict a white police officer in the shooting of an unarmed black teenager whose death in the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson became a national flash point on race, justice and policing. — WSJ.com Greetings from the underworld! Why is Michael Brown always described as “an unarmed black teenager” rather than “a violent troublemaker” or “a current resident of Hell,” both of which are at least equally accurate? Anyone who thinks an unarmed person doesn’t pose a threat has never been punched in the face. If you have a gun and I don’t and you let me take the gun away from you, all of a sudden I’m not unarmed anymore. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

If There’s One Thing I Can’t Tolerate, It’s Intolerance

NEW YORK (AP) — A&E has declined to comment on new video of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson reviving past anti-gay remarks. His comments are included in a sermon delivered at his church in West Monroe, Louisiana, on Easter Sunday. Robertson includes homosexuals with other groups such as thieves and adulterers as hell-bound sinners. — New anti-gay remarks by ‘Duck Dynasty’ star emerge – MSN TV News Oooh, new anti-gay remarks. I’m trying to get appropriately offended about this but I can’t do it: As previously noted the last time he said the same thing, he’s not ad-libbing those remarks, he’s quoting a bible verse: Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the… Read more →

See You in Hell, New Orleans

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses. Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park. — “‘Enough is enough’: 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street” – NBCNews.com There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell. First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status. That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old… Read more →

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words. I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype. Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check. “He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up… Read more →

I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishments after I’m dead. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

See You in Hell, Game of Thrones Fans

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles had a telescope pointed at Saturn this week. Anyone who wanted to could stop by and have a look. “It looks like I thought it would look,” one observer remarked. HA! He wasn’t impressed AT ALL by the fact that better men than himself built a device that lets him see things a BILLION miles away. This same idiot later pronounced himself “blown away” by the deaths of several make-believe characters on a TV show called Game of Thrones. If your Facebook and Twitter feeds look anything like mine this morning, you know that unfortunately this is just one idiot out of many. One of the reasons America is circling the drain is people’s inability to distinguish fantasy from reality until reality hits them like a pitchfork in the guts.… Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says — NBCNews.com I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life. The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results? This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend. Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid. There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming… Read more →

Modern Baptists

“Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t… Read more →

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