EppsNet Archive: Hell

If There’s One Thing I Can’t Tolerate, It’s Intolerance

23 May 2014 /
Phil Robertson

NEW YORK (AP) — A&E has declined to comment on new video of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson reviving past anti-gay remarks.

His comments are included in a sermon delivered at his church in West Monroe, Louisiana, on Easter Sunday. Robertson includes homosexuals with other groups such as thieves and adulterers as hell-bound sinners.

Oooh, new anti-gay remarks. I’m trying to get appropriately offended about this but I can’t do it:

  1. As previously noted the last time he said the same thing, he’s not ad-libbing those remarks, he’s quoting a bible verse:

    Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the Kingdom of God.

    — I Corinthians 6:9-10

    He’s giving a sermon in a church and quoting scripture. If scriptural quotations offend you, stay out of churches. That’s pretty simple.

  2. There are a lot more adulterers than homosexuals. Why aren’t people offended by anti-adulterer remarks?
     
  3. “Going to hell” is not a real thing that happens to people. It’s a fairy tale. Calm down.
     
  4. There’s an old joke: “If there’s one thing I can’t tolerate, it’s intolerance.” If you see yourself as a fan of tolerance, diversity, “live and let live,” etc., apply it to everyone, not just people who think exactly like you.

See You in Hell, New Orleans

4 Sep 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses.

Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park.

There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell.

First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status.

That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street, I know when I click through, I’m going to see a black face on the other side.

White people have their own peccadilloes, but they don’t shoot babies in the street.

As for the second part of the headline — “Enough is enough” — an 11-year-old New Orleans girl rocking her baby cousin to sleep was killed a few days later when gunmen started shooting into her house.

It’s getting to where I myself am afraid to go to New Orleans. Ha ha, no I’m not, but you see what I mean.

Anyway, here’s some advice from a guy who’s been around: If you’re black, and you want to be remembered fondly, or remembered at all, make sure you get shot by someone who’s not black.

For example: a kid in Florida named Trayvon Martin was shot by a Hispanic man with a white name: George Zimmerman. Everyone remembers Trayvon Martin. Even the president talks about him. Black “leaders” shuffle his parents in front of various assemblages demanding Justice for Trayvon.

He’s remembered lovingly by people willing to overlook the fact that he was trying to beat George Zimmerman to death when, unfortunately for him, Zimmerman pulled a gun and shot him.

Trayvon Martin is . . . well, let’s just say that God doesn’t like violent troublemakers, despite being a violent troublemaker himself. What a phony.

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels is in heaven, of course. She led a short, blameless life.

But because the man who shot her was black, not only is no one demanding Justice for Londyn, witnesses won’t come forward to ID the shooter, and no black “leader” has directed so much as a “shame on you” toward anyone involved.

See you in Hell!


James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

21 Jun 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.

I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.

Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.

“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?

As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”

George is in heaven now.

Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.

Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!

But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.

Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.

Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?

See you in Hell . . .


I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of rewards or punishments after I’m dead. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr.


See You in Hell, Game of Thrones Fans

3 Jun 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles had a telescope pointed at Saturn this week. Anyone who wanted to could stop by and have a look.

“It looks like I thought it would look,” one observer remarked.

HA! He wasn’t impressed AT ALL by the fact that better men than himself built a device that lets him see things a BILLION miles away.

This same idiot later pronounced himself “blown away” by the deaths of several make-believe characters on a TV show called Game of Thrones.

If your Facebook and Twitter feeds look anything like mine this morning, you know that unfortunately this is just one idiot out of many.

One of the reasons America is circling the drain is people’s inability to distinguish fantasy from reality until reality hits them like a pitchfork in the guts. Which it eventually does Satan smiley.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

7 Apr 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says

I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life.

The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results?

This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend.

Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid.

There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming to have the answers and offering to sell them to you.

One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons goes something like this:

LUCY (kneeling and looking at the ground): Look at those stupid bugs … They don’t have the slightest idea as to what is going on in this world.

CHARLIE BROWN: What is going on in this world?

LUCY: I don’t have the slightest idea.

I don’t have the slightest idea either and I’m Satan, for crying out loud. (I miss Charlie Schulz, by the way. He’s in heaven now.)

If you want a key takeaway from the Matthew Warren/Rick Warren story, here it is: Nobody has a clue.

Nobody has a clue.

See you in Hell . . .


Modern Baptists

23 Nov 2012 /

Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t just do it for sex.


See You in Hell, Marissa Mayer

1 Oct 2012 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Yahoo confirmed Monday that CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to a boy on Sunday night, only about three months after taking the helm at the struggling company.

The 37-year-old Mayer will work from home and continues to lead the company and “is involved in all critical decisions [sic] making,” a Yahoo spokeswoman told Reuters on Monday.

“She will be working remotely and is planning to return to the office as soon as possible (likely in 1-2 weeks),” Yahoo said in an emailed comment to the news agency.

I applaud young Marissa Mayer for this courageous decision!

She is a role model for all the little girls out there who want to grow up and neglect their children.

Working moms, my precious darlings

Don’t let anyone tell you that a woman is a better mom if she’s actually home with her kids.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have it all. You can have it all. Everyone else is doing it. Don’t be left out!

Kids don’t need a lot of attention. They basically raise themselves!

 

We have a double standard in our society: If you are poor and you abandon your kids you are a bad parent. But if you are rich and you abandon them to run a company, you are profiled in Fortune magazine.

God bless America! Your children are being raised by strangers and nobody cares.

See you all in Hell!


I Have Heard What the Talkers Were Talking

16 Sep 2012 /
Song of Myself

I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the
     beginning and the end,
But I do not talk of the beginning or the end.

There was never any more inception than there is now,
Nor any more youth or age than there is now,
And will never be any more perfection than there is now,
Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.

— Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”

Satan on Walmart Heirs

21 Jul 2012 /

Satan

6 Walmart Heirs Hold More Wealth Than 42% of Americans Combined

Everyone gets what they deserve, that’s my motto.

Of course the Walmart heirs have a lot of money. They’re fortunate enough to be the descendants of a man who got a $20,000 loan from his father-in-law, plus five grand he’d saved up in the army, bought a store, turned it via a lifetime of hard work into a retailing empire and left his estate to his family.

It’s a great American, Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, 42 percent of Americans don’t work, don’t pay taxes and collect entitlement checks, and Mother Jones gives us the absolutely priceless information that they don’t have as much money as the Walmart heirs.

Sam Walton opened the first Walmart store in 1962. By 1980, Walmart had 276 stores, 21,000 employees and $1.248 billion in annual sales.

If, over the course of those 18 years — 1962-1980 — you or someone in your family had recognized a good thing when you saw it and bought some Walmart stock in 1980, every dollar you invested would now be worth . . . hang on, let me pull up Google Finance on my iPad . . . over $500! So $1,000 would get you $500,000 . . . $2,000 and you’d be a millionaire without working a day in your life.

Sam Walton is in heaven now. I’ll see the rest of you whiners in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

2 Mar 2012 /
Romeo and Juliet

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Modesto police are investigating if there’s a criminal case against a former high school teacher who resigned his job to move into an apartment with an 18-year-old girl he met while teaching.

James Hooker, 41, was placed on administrative leave Feb. 3 by Modesto City Schools and resigned less than three weeks later, according to a report at the Modesto Bee.

The newspaper reports that the man, who had taught business and computer classes, left his wife and children, to move in with Jordan Powers, an Enochs High School senior whom he met when she was a freshman at the school. One of Hooker’s children also attends the same high school.

“In making our choice, we’ve hurt a lot of people,” Hooker told the Bee. “We keep asking ourselves, ‘Do we make everyone else happy or do we follow our hearts?'”

Follow your heart, you magnificent selfish bastard!

Follow it right out the front door of the family home and into a Modesto apartment with a high school girl whose poor single mom, from the looks of the photo, couldn’t afford to buy her a set of braces.

DON’T LOOK BACK!

And make yourselves available for interviews and photo ops. YES! YES! YES!

(Let me add parenthetically that, despite what you may have heard, being raised by a single parent does not screw kids up in the head and more people should be doing it.)

One of your own kids goes to the same high school as your new live-in girlfriend?! Oh, the collateral damage is going to be prodigious!

Wait — I’m now being informed that the two of you appeared on Good Morning America this morning?!

Brilliant move, Romeo! A sane person would have said, “No, I think I’ve done enough damage already,” let things play out as just a local scandal in the backwater of Modesto, and missed out on the opportunity to traumatize everyone involved at a national level.

If this doesn’t result in at least one suicide, then my name is not Satan.

See you in Hell, professor.


See You in Hell

26 Feb 2012 /
Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Next year I’m going to live tweet the Oscar In Memoriam segment so I can tell you which celebrities are in Hell.

See you at the movies!


See You in Hell

19 Feb 2012 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage.

The shift is affecting children’s lives. Researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school or suffering emotional and behavioral problems.

HA HA HA! And it’s only going to get worse!

These poor illiterate bastards will be stabbing each other for food in a few years!

Unwed mothers are my meal ticket. Keep up the good work, my little darlings!

See you all in Hell . . .


L’enfer, c’est les autres …

Posted by on 21 Nov 2011

Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.

Posted by on 29 Sep 2011

Satan Takes a Message for Ted Kennedy

17 Sep 2011 /
Satan

Kara Kennedy, the oldest child of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy, died suddenly Friday evening at a Washington-area health club, NBC News reported.

Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy confirmed the death of his 51-year-old sister, adding “she’s with dad.”

msnbc.com

She’s not here, Patrick, but I’ll pass the news along to Teddy.

Heard any good Chappaquidick jokes lately?


Satan on Osama bin Laden’s 72 Virgins

3 May 2011 /
Satan

We don’t have 72 virgins down here, so I presented him with 72 vegans.

He’s not happy. HAAAHAHAHA!

IT’S GOOD TO BE SATAN!


Satan on Osama bin Laden

3 May 2011 /
Satan

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.

This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!

HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!

But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.

But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .

By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?

My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!

That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.

So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!


Welcome to Hell

6 Jan 2011 /

Comic

Tags: , ,

Twitter: 2010-08-11

11 Aug 2010 /
Twitter
  • Other than it's not in the plan, what's the argument for not doing it? http://goo.gl/Hbu4 #
  • RT @eddiepepitone: tweets of Bob Frankenstein ( the monster's normal brother)- Frank is just big and unfortunate. #
  • Thank god Emma Thompson has come along to save us from G.B. Shaw, Lerner & Loewe, and Audrey Hepburn. #
  • RT @fakerahmemanuel: This just in from Ted Stevens: Hell is actually a series of tubes. #
  • Welcome to Twitter, @Steven_Slater #

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