Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles had a telescope pointed at Saturn this week. Anyone who wanted to could stop by and have a look.

“It looks like I thought it would look,” one observer remarked.

HA! He wasn’t impressed AT ALL by the fact that better men than himself built a device that lets him see things a BILLION miles away.

This same idiot later pronounced himself “blown away” by the deaths of several make-believe characters on a TV show called Game of Thrones.

If your Facebook and Twitter feeds look anything like mine this morning, you know that unfortunately this is just one idiot out of many.

One of the reasons America is circling the drain is people’s inability to distinguish fantasy from reality until reality hits them like a pitchfork in the guts. Which it eventually does .

See you in Hell . . .

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says

— NBCNews.com

I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life.

The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results?

This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend.

Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid.

There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming to have the answers and offering to sell them to you.

One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons goes something like this:

LUCY (kneeling and looking at the ground): Look at those stupid bugs … They don’t have the slightest idea as to what is going on in this world.

CHARLIE BROWN: What is going on in this world?

LUCY: I don’t have the slightest idea.

I don’t have the slightest idea either and I’m Satan, for crying out loud. (I miss Charlie Schulz, by the way. He’s in heaven now.)

If you want a key takeaway from the Matthew Warren/Rick Warren story, here it is: Nobody has a clue.

Nobody has a clue.

See you in Hell . . .

“Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t just do it for sex.”

— James Wilcox, Modern Baptists

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Yahoo confirmed Monday that CEO Marissa Mayer gave birth to a boy on Sunday night, only about three months after taking the helm at the struggling company.

The 37-year-old Mayer will work from home and continues to lead the company and “is involved in all critical decisions [sic] making,” a Yahoo spokeswoman told Reuters on Monday.

“She will be working remotely and is planning to return to the office as soon as possible (likely in 1-2 weeks),” Yahoo said in an emailed comment to the news agency.

— NBCNews.com

I applaud young Marissa Mayer for this courageous decision!

She is a role model for all the little girls out there who want to grow up and neglect their children.

Working moms, my precious darlings –

Don’t let anyone tell you that a woman is a better mom if she’s actually home with her kids.

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have it all. You can have it all. Everyone else is doing it. Don’t be left out!

Kids don’t need a lot of attention. They basically raise themselves!

We have a double standard in our society: If you are poor and you abandon your kids you are a bad parent. But if you are rich and you abandon them to run a company, you are profiled in Fortune magazine.

– Penelope Trunk

God bless America! Your children are being raised by strangers and nobody cares.

See you all in Hell!

I have heard what the talkers were talking, the talk of the
     beginning and the end,
But I do not talk of the beginning or the end.

There was never any more inception than there is now,
Nor any more youth or age than there is now,
And will never be any more perfection than there is now,
Nor any more heaven or hell than there is now.

— Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself”

Satan

6 Walmart Heirs Hold More Wealth Than 42% of Americans Combined

— Mother Jones

Everyone gets what they deserve, that’s my motto.

Of course the Walmart heirs have a lot of money. They’re fortunate enough to be the descendants of a man who got a $20,000 loan from his father-in-law, plus five grand he’d saved up in the army, bought a store, turned it via a lifetime of hard work into a retailing empire and left his estate to his family.

It’s a great American, Horatio Alger, rags-to-riches story. Meanwhile, 42 percent of Americans don’t work, don’t pay taxes and collect entitlement checks, and Mother Jones gives us the absolutely priceless information that they don’t have as much money as the Walmart heirs.

Sam Walton opened the first Walmart store in 1962. By 1980, Walmart had 276 stores, 21,000 employees and $1.248 billion in annual sales.

If, over the course of those 18 years — 1962-1980 — you or someone in your family had recognized a good thing when you saw it and bought some Walmart stock in 1980, every dollar you invested would now be worth . . . hang on, let me pull up Google Finance on my iPad . . . over $500! So $1,000 would get you $500,000 . . . $2,000 and you’d be a millionaire without working a day in your life.

Sam Walton is in heaven now. I’ll see the rest of you whiners in Hell . . .

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Modesto police are investigating if there’s a criminal case against a former high school teacher who resigned his job to move into an apartment with an 18-year-old girl he met while teaching.

James Hooker, 41, was placed on administrative leave Feb. 3 by Modesto City Schools and resigned less than three weeks later, according to a report at the Modesto Bee.

The newspaper reports that the man, who had taught business and computer classes, left his wife and children, to move in with Jordan Powers, an Enochs High School senior whom he met when she was a freshman at the school. One of Hooker’s children also attends the same high school.

“In making our choice, we’ve hurt a lot of people,” Hooker told the Bee. “We keep asking ourselves, ‘Do we make everyone else happy or do we follow our hearts?’”

— Calif. teacher resigns after leaving family for student

Follow your heart, you magnificent selfish bastard!

Follow it right out the front door of the family home and into a Modesto apartment with a high school girl whose poor single mom, from the looks of the photo, couldn’t afford to buy her a set of braces.

DON’T LOOK BACK!

And make yourselves available for interviews and photo ops. YES! YES! YES!

(Let me add parenthetically that, despite what you may have heard, being raised by a single parent does not screw kids up in the head and more people should be doing it.)

One of your own kids goes to the same high school as your new live-in girlfriend?! Oh, the collateral damage is going to be prodigious!

Wait — I’m now being informed that the two of you appeared on Good Morning America this morning?!

Brilliant move, Romeo! A sane person would have said, “No, I think I’ve done enough damage already,” let things play out as just a local scandal in the backwater of Modesto, and missed out on the opportunity to traumatize everyone involved at a national level.

If this doesn’t result in at least one suicide, then my name is not Satan.

See you in Hell, professor.

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

Next year I’m going to live tweet the Oscar In Memoriam segment so I can tell you which celebrities are in Hell.

See you at the movies!

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage.

The shift is affecting children’s lives. Researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school or suffering emotional and behavioral problems.

— A child out of wedlock is the new normal – The New York Times (via msnbc.com)

HA HA HA! And it’s only going to get worse!

These poor illiterate bastards will be stabbing each other for food in a few years!

Unwed mothers are my meal ticket. Keep up the good work, my little darlings!

See you all in Hell . . .

L’enfer, c’est les autres …

Why are dead people always described as “looking down and smiling”? Surely some of them must be looking up and screaming.

Kara Kennedy, the oldest child of the late Sen. Edward Kennedy, died suddenly Friday evening at a Washington-area health club, NBC News reported.

Former Rep. Patrick Kennedy confirmed the death of his 51-year-old sister, adding “she’s with dad.”

— msnbc.com

She’s not here, Patrick, but I’ll pass the news along to Teddy.

Heard any good Chappaquidick jokes lately?

We don’t have 72 virgins down here, so I presented him with 72 vegans.

He’s not happy. HAAAHAHAHA!

IT’S GOOD TO BE SATAN!

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.

This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!

HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!

But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.

But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .

By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?

My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!

That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.

So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!

• Other than it's not in the plan, what's the argument for not doing it? http://goo.gl/Hbu4 #
• RT @eddiepepitone: tweets of Bob Frankenstein ( the monster's normal brother)- Frank is just big and unfortunate. #
• Thank god Emma Thompson has come along to save us from G.B. Shaw, Lerner & Loewe, and Audrey Hepburn. #
• RT @fakerahmemanuel: This just in from Ted Stevens: Hell is actually a series of tubes. #
• Welcome to Twitter, @Steven_Slater #

• RT @joshcomers: “I’m ready to take this to the next level!” (overly dramatic guy walking into an elevator) #
• RT @joshcomers: Just saw that a guy following over 28,000 people unfollowed me. I must have really fucked up. #
• Risk creates value. Except when it destroys value. #
• RT @Jesus_M_Christ: #ILaughEverytime I send a Fundamentalist to Hell. #
• RT @Jesus_M_Christ: Whenever someone pleads with me for World Peace then ends their prayer by asking for bigger boobs #ilaugheverytime #

All of us tend to think of our own circumstances in terms of a narrow range and to feel that other pastures are greener. . . . My suspicion is that in Heaven the Blessed are of the opinion that the advantages of that locale have been overrated by theologians who were never actually there. Perhaps even in Hell the damned are not always satisfied.

— Jorge Luis Borges, “The Duel”

‘Deadliest Catch’ captain Phil Harris dies at age 53

— USATODAY.com

Never saw his TV show but he was great as the voice of Baloo in The Jungle Book!

♫ Look for the (clap) Bare Ne-cess-ities . . . ♫

Say hi to Bing Crosby in hell!