My friend PE was laid off recently. He’s leasing out his house and renting a smaller place in an effort to keep his finances under control. This should be a good lesson for that boy of his: Work hard all your life, try to do the right things, and you too can wind up with no house, no job and a wife who hates you . . . Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Marriage
Definition of Marriage
I’ve come to think of marriage less as a way to spend your life with someone you love, and more as a way to have someone to blame for your life turning out the way it did . . . Read more →
If the Shoe Fits
I hobbled into a job interview today like a man whose shoes were too small for his feet. No, wait, let me back up a little bit . . . I can never find anything around the house because people keep moving my stuff. Why everyone can’t keep their hands to themselves, I don’t know, but I don’t even try to keep track of things anymore. I just look for something in the last place I put it, and when it’s not there, I ask someone. “Don’t ask me. I didn’t touch it.” So I look some more and it always turns out that my camera is in my son’s room, or my keys are in my wife’s purse, or the important document is in the trash, and everyone still maintains that they have no idea how it got there. Living with people is a mixed blessing, I’ll tell you.… Read more →
Marital Inequity
I’ve decided to start the day by addressing an inequitable situation . . . “Honey,” I say to my wife, “I’ve noticed that because you go to bed earlier than I do, you get to unmake the bed every night. Then because you get up before I do, I have to make the bed every morning, which is harder. It’s not fair.” “I also do everything else in the house, like cooking and cleaning,” she says, “so don’t bother me with that.” OK, she’s got me there . . . Read more →
Overheard
A male and female co-worker are bickering, as they often do. An onlooker says, “You two are like a married couple . . . but without the sex and everything.” Read more →
Another Mystery Unraveled
Our dog is not fat, but he could probably stand to lose two or three pounds. To that end, I’ve been taking him for more walks and carefully measuring the amount of food he eats: one-half cup twice a day. I’ve instructed my wife and kid, “When you feed the dog, no more than one-half cup per serving.” I even bought a new measuring cup with bold markings to make it easy for everybody. In spite of all this, the dog hasn’t lost any weight. This morning, as I was about to give the dog his one-half cup of food, my wife looked at the measuring cup and said, “Oh my god! Is that all you feed him?!” Read more →
OK, So They Were Violent and Crazy
More details are emerging on the crazy naked woman with a gun case . . . Not surprisingly, despite a neighbor’s assertion that Kevin and Joni Park “were not violent or crazy,” it turns out that they were in fact violent and crazy. Read more →
Strahan’s Wife Has Garage Sale With His Stuff
Oh, this is rich . . . Michael Strahan‘s ex-wife held a garage sale on Saturday. How often do you see a garage sale outside a $3.6 million mansion? Among the items on sale was a set of cassette tapes on how to make relationships succeed. One diehard Giants fan walked away with two television sets for the bargain price of $100. “I get to cheer for Mike on his TV,” he said. Read more →
Free Advice
I heard a radio commercial today for Robbins Bros., a local engagement ring chain, offering free advice on how to make your marriage proposal a creative and memorable event. I’ll give you some free advice, I thought, although my advice won’t sell a lot of engagement rings . . . Read more →
Wives and Pugs
I read that pugs like the sound of their owner’s voice almost as much as they like food. That’s why it’s so important to talk to your pug. “It’s important to talk to your wife too,” my wife says. “Pugs are easy to please. Pugs will always be there. Wives have a car and two feet.” Read more →
My Neighbor the Fisherman
My neighbor across the street is a very serious fisherman. He’s got, like, 15 fishing rods in a rack in his garage, one for every occasion. Does he ever take any of his family members along on his fishing trips? No . . . on his list of priorities, they rank somewhere below fish. I suspect his wife has a fish-head mask she puts on when she wants to get his attention . . . Read more →
Happy Valentine’s Day
We’re on a budget . . . maybe I’ll write my love a poem. Seriously though, some flowers for sure . . . I’ll take her for dinner if she wants to, but we really are trying to cut back on the spending a bit. Reality vs. romance . . . Read more →
Going to the Temple
My wife makes an occasional visit to one of the local Buddhist temples, and sometimes she “encourages” the rest of the family to join her. “Thanks for coming along,” she says on the drive over. “You made us come,” our son says from the back seat. Then after a pause, “But you’re welcome.” Read more →
Adventures in Driving
We’ve just had another of the near-death experiences so common when my wife gets behind the wheel of a car. “Driving with you is a real adventure, honey,” I say. “Not in a good way,” our son adds. She wears multiple combinations of glasses and contact lenses, but her standard explanation — “I can’t see!” — is not as reassuring as she seems to think it is. Read more →
The Next Best Thing to Being There
My wife is talking about the possibility of a Christmastime family trip to Thailand. She’s from Thailand, lived there through college, and still has relatives there. I’ve never been to Thailand — I hate to travel, for one thing — but our son has been over there with her on a few occasions. Here’s his reaction, punctuated with frantic screaming: “AHHHHH! It’s people who can’t speak English in 170-degree heat!” I don’t think this boy has a future as a travel agent. “They haven’t seen you in a long time,” my wife tells him. “Can’t we do a video conference?” Read more →
Another Reason I Let My Wife Handle the Holiday Decorations
Aliso Viejo man dies after falling while hanging Christmas lights — Orange County Register This cautionary tale includes a helpful tip from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission: Falls from ladders or rooftops are comical in the movies, but in reality, they can be a very dangerous thing. Actually, falls from ladders and rooftops can be funny in real life too, but only when they happen to someone else. See also: Another Reason I Let My Wife Handle the Grocery Shopping Read more →
Divorce Wizards
I was walking through a business park in Newport Beach today when I saw a company called Divorce Wizards . . . I am the Divorce Wizard! With a wave of my wand, I free you from the shackles of matrimony! I cleanse your mind of bitterness and recrimination, as though the whole sorry episode never happened! Uh, thanks . . . can you make me twenty years younger again too? Read more →
This Will Be My New .sig File
Chris Rock on marriage: Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say: Read more →
I Guess You’ll Do
Let’s begin this typical courtship process, shall we? Read more →
Advice for the Feng Shui Entrepreneur
During a recent trip to Las Vegas, we visited a junk shop, a.k.a. a Feng Shui emporium. My wife sketched out the floor plan of our house, after which the proprietor predicted — correctly — that the orientation of our son’s bed was making him stubborn. See, I thought it was the fact that he’s 13 years old that was making him stubborn. Probably a good tip for the up-and-coming Feng Shui professional would be to always predict that the client’s teenage children are stubborn. You’re not going to be wrong very often. And always predict that the client has frequent disagreements with his or her spouse. Read more →