EppsNet Archive: NBA

Connie Hawkins, 1942-2017

Connie Hawkins was my basketball role model growing up. I used to stretch my fingers around basketballs religiously so I could try to replicate his moves, most of which required the ability to palm the ball like a grapefruit (see photo). Also: Foul! The Connie Hawkins Story by David Wolf is one of the best sports books ever written. RIP Connie Hawkins Read more →

My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying

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Draymond Green Faces Assault Charges

Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green was arrested Sunday on assault charges in East Lansing, Michigan. — ESPN Well, it’s the off-season . . . he’s got to find civilians to hit in the balls. Some players practice basketball skills in the off-season, Draymond Green practices assaulting people . . . Read more →

‘Expert’ Predictions for the NBA Finals

26 experts give their predictions for the championship series rematch between the Warriors and Cavaliers. — ESPN.com “Experts.” Provide some insight or context if you have any. How does a prediction add to anyone’s understanding or enjoyment of the game? What is the difference between a prediction from an “expert” and a prediction from a random loudmouth drunk at a sports bar? I notice that a large majority of the “experts” are predicting a victory by the favorite (the Warriors), which is the same result you’d get from a bunch of drunks at a sports bar, or a group of dart-throwing monkeys (of course adjusting the monkeys’ targets to provide a proportionally larger area for the favorite). So what have we learned? Read more →

So Long, Clippers!

The only enjoyment I’ve had as a Lakers fan the past few years is watching the Clippers’ annual playoff debacles . . . Read more →

Eliminate the Handshake Line?

After an Iona basketball player slapped a Monmouth player in the face in the post-game handshake line, a Sporting News writer says we should eliminate the handshake line. As further evidence, he cites “the Detroit Pistons who walked off the court with time remaining in the 1991 NBA playoff loss to Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls, Cincinnati coach Bob Huggins refusing to shake Xavier coach Pete Gillen’s hand at the end of the 1994 Crosstown Shootout, LeBron James walking off without a handshake in the 2009 conference finals against Orlando and Indiana coach Tom Crean’s harangue of Michigan assistant Jeff Meyer following a 2013 regular season game.” Ha ha, that’s great stuff! That’s the argument against the handshake line?! We need more of that . . . it’s a good thing for all of us. Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Congratulations, Americans! Your lives have become so trivialized that you think the most important issue facing your country is how many Magic Johnson photos get posted to Instagram. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

I’m Done With the NBA

I’m choking to death on all the pious platitudes re Donald Sterling. I hope that TMZ will make a recurring feature out of providing glimpses into the private lives of NBA executives, coaches and players. The level of sanctimony amongst these juvenile moralizers will drop off a cliff. To cite an obvious example: The Clippers are currently in a playoff series against the Golden State Warriors. The coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, describes himself as “an African-American man that’s a fan of the game of basketball and knows its history and knows what’s right and what’s wrong.” He goes on to encourage people to boycott Clippers games and says, “We cannot allow someone with these feelings to profit.” Jackson is an ordained minister. He and his wife run the True Love Worship Center in Reseda, Ca. Jackson was also, a couple of years ago, the victim of an extortion… Read more →

Why Kyrie Irving is a Better Basketball Player Than Anyone in My Family

My son (age 19) and I are driving to Staples Center to see the Lakers take on the Cleveland Cavaliers, listening to the pre-game show on the radio. Because the Cavs are basically a one-man roster, and that one man is Kyrie Irving, there’s a lot of talk about Irving on the pre-game. One of the analysts offers up his opinion that Irving is as good as he is at such a young age (he’s 20) because Irving’s dad was hard on him as a kid and pushed him and didn’t let him take breaks. As always, when the topic of someone’s dad bullying him to greatness comes up, the boy gives me a melancholy look to say that my lack of abusiveness as a parent is the reason he’s not a professional athlete. “You let me take breaks,” he says. “You know,” I say, “I think for every guy… Read more →

I Have Kids Older Than NBA Players

My boy, a college sophomore, and I are watching the Lakers play the Charlotte Bobcats on the TV . . . “Did you know,” he says, “that I’m a full two months older than [Bobcats forward] Michael Kidd-Gilchrist?” “Hmmm . . . really?” “He grew more than me.” Kidd-Gilchrist is 6’7″, 232 lbs. He turned 19 in September. Read more →

Derrick Williams

My boy saw Derrick Williams out and about the other night . . . Williams is from La Mirada (like me!), so it wouldn’t be unusual to spot him in the SoCal area. “You’re Derrick Williams, right?” the boy said. “No, that’s not me,” Williams replied. Williams was cleverly disguised in an Arizona basketball hoodie and Minnesota Timberwolves sweatpants. Oh, and he’s 6-foot-8. Read more →

Things You Can and Can’t Do

Things You Can Do Discriminate against Asians in college admissions. Things You Can’t Do Use “Chink in the Armor” as the headline for an article on the New York Knicks. Read more →

What Are the Laker Girls Going to Do?

The Laker Girls 2011 squad has been selected. (You can watch the auditions.) But with no Laker games, what are they going to do? Idea: Come over to the office, stand behind me all day and dance around every time I school someone. “Bob, let me be direct. Your idea has one problem. It’s stupid.” OHHHHHHH! Loud music! Dancing! Cheering! Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

People who say “myself” instead of “me,” as in “It’s a failure for myself losing to the Mavericks.” Read more →

Satan on Osama bin Laden

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax. This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?! HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan! But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition. But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that… Read more →

That Eastern Conference is Pathetic

To give you an idea of how pathetic the NBA’s Eastern Conference is this season, The Cavs and the Celtics have both clinched playoff spots! I know what you’re thinking: Wasn’t the All-Star Game just last weekend? Cleveland still has 22 games left to play. They could lose all of them — a 22-game losing streak — and still make the playoffs . . . Read more →

Overheard

The best thing about all the NBA players from Europe and Latin America is when they’re interviewed after the game, you can understand them. Read more →