EppsNet Archive: NBA

Connie Hawkins, 1942-2017

8 Oct 2017 /

Connie Hawkins was my basketball role model growing up. I used to stretch my fingers around basketballs religiously so I could try to replicate his moves, most of which required the ability to palm the ball like a grapefruit (see photo).

Also: Foul! The Connie Hawkins Story by David Wolf is one of the best sports books ever written.

RIP Connie Hawkins

Connie Hawkins


My Boyhood Sports Icons Are Dying

16 Jul 2016 /


Draymond Green Faces Assault Charges

14 Jul 2016 /

Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green was arrested Sunday on assault charges in East Lansing, Michigan. — ESPN

Well, it’s the off-season . . . he’s got to find civilians to hit in the balls. Some players practice basketball skills in the off-season, Draymond Green practices assaulting people . . .


‘Expert’ Predictions for the NBA Finals

1 Jun 2016 /

26 experts give their predictions for the championship series rematch between the Warriors and Cavaliers. — ESPN.com

“Experts.”

Provide some insight or context if you have any. How does a prediction add to anyone’s understanding or enjoyment of the game? What is the difference between a prediction from an “expert” and a prediction from a random loudmouth drunk at a sports bar?

I notice that a large majority of the “experts” are predicting a victory by the favorite (the Warriors), which is the same result you’d get from a bunch of drunks at a sports bar, or a group of dart-throwing monkeys (of course adjusting the monkeys’ targets to provide a proportionally larger area for the favorite).

So what have we learned?

NBA Finals 2016


So Long, Clippers!

30 Apr 2016 /

Clippers lose again

The only enjoyment I’ve had as a Lakers fan the past few years is watching the Clippers’ annual playoff debacles . . .


Eliminate the Handshake Line?

3 Feb 2016 /

After an Iona basketball player slapped a Monmouth player in the face in the post-game handshake line, a Sporting News writer says we should eliminate the handshake line.

As further evidence, he cites “the Detroit Pistons who walked off the court with time remaining in the 1991 NBA playoff loss to Michael Jordan’s Chicago Bulls, Cincinnati coach Bob Huggins refusing to shake Xavier coach Pete Gillen’s hand at the end of the 1994 Crosstown Shootout, LeBron James walking off without a handshake in the 2009 conference finals against Orlando and Indiana coach Tom Crean’s harangue of Michigan assistant Jeff Meyer following a 2013 regular season game.”

Ha ha, that’s great stuff! That’s the argument against the handshake line?! We need more of that . . . it’s a good thing for all of us.


See You in Hell

3 May 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Congratulations, Americans! Your lives have become so trivialized that you think the most important issue facing your country is how many Magic Johnson photos get posted to Instagram.

See you in Hell . . .


I’m Done With the NBA

1 May 2014 /

I’m choking to death on all the pious platitudes re Donald Sterling. I hope that TMZ will make a recurring feature out of providing glimpses into the private lives of NBA executives, coaches and players. The level of sanctimony amongst these juvenile moralizers will drop off a cliff.

To cite an obvious example: The Clippers are currently in a playoff series against the Golden State Warriors. The coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, describes himself as “an African-American man that’s a fan of the game of basketball and knows its history and knows what’s right and what’s wrong.” He goes on to encourage people to boycott Clippers games and says, “We cannot allow someone with these feelings to profit.”

Jackson is an ordained minister. He and his wife run the True Love Worship Center in Reseda, Ca.

Jackson was also, a couple of years ago, the victim of an extortion attempt involving dick pics he sent to a stripper with whom he was having an extramarital affair.

TMZ should do one of those man-on-the-street interviews and ask him, “Coach, you’re a religious man who knows what’s right and what’s wrong. Let me ask you . . . do you think a man who has extramarital affairs with strippers is the kind of man who should be allowed to profit as a member of the NBA family? Do you think a man like that has the moral stature to stand in judgment of the private lives of others? When someone’s private transgressions become public, should they just be able to say ‘Oops’ and move on?”

I just want to see all of these pretentious phonies laid low . . .


Why Kyrie Irving is a Better Basketball Player Than Anyone in My Family

16 Jan 2013 /
Kyrie Irving

Kyrie Irving

My son (age 19) and I are driving to Staples Center to see the Lakers take on the Cleveland Cavaliers, listening to the pre-game show on the radio. Because the Cavs are basically a one-man roster, and that one man is Kyrie Irving, there’s a lot of talk about Irving on the pre-game.

One of the analysts offers up his opinion that Irving is as good as he is at such a young age (he’s 20) because Irving’s dad was hard on him as a kid and pushed him and didn’t let him take breaks.

As always, when the topic of someone’s dad bullying him to greatness comes up, the boy gives me a melancholy look to say that my lack of abusiveness as a parent is the reason he’s not a professional athlete. “You let me take breaks,” he says.

“You know,” I say, “I think for every guy who says, ‘My dad wouldn’t let me back in the house until I made 100 layups with each hand and now I’m in the NBA,’ there’s 900 other guys whose dads tried the same shit and these guys got nowhere and now they’re extremely angry about it. You just never hear from those 900 guys because they’re nowhere, as I just said.”


I Have Kids Older Than NBA Players

19 Dec 2012 /

My boy, a college sophomore, and I are watching the Lakers play the Charlotte Bobcats on the TV . . .

“Did you know,” he says, “that I’m a full two months older than [Bobcats forward] Michael Kidd-Gilchrist?”

“Hmmm . . . really?”

“He grew more than me.”

Kidd-Gilchrist is 6’7″, 232 lbs. He turned 19 in September.


Derrick Williams

24 May 2012 /
Derrick Williams

My boy saw Derrick Williams out and about the other night . . . Williams is from La Mirada (like me!), so it wouldn’t be unusual to spot him in the SoCal area.

“You’re Derrick Williams, right?” the boy said.

“No, that’s not me,” Williams replied.

Williams was cleverly disguised in an Arizona basketball hoodie and Minnesota Timberwolves sweatpants. Oh, and he’s 6-foot-8.


Things You Can and Can’t Do

21 Feb 2012 /

Chink in the Armor

Things You Can Do

Discriminate against Asians in college admissions.

Things You Can’t Do

Use “Chink in the Armor” as the headline for an article on the New York Knicks.


What Are the Laker Girls Going to Do?

30 Aug 2011 /

The Laker Girls 2011 squad has been selected. (You can watch the auditions.) But with no Laker games, what are they going to do?

Idea: Come over to the office, stand behind me all day and dance around every time I school someone.

“Bob, let me be direct. Your idea has one problem. It’s stupid.”

OHHHHHHH! Loud music! Dancing! Cheering!


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

13 Jun 2011 /

People who say “myself” instead of “me,” as in “It’s a failure for myself losing to the Mavericks.”


Satan on Osama bin Laden

3 May 2011 /
Satan

My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.

This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!

HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!

But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.

But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .

By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?

My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!

That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.

So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!


That Eastern Conference is Pathetic

6 Mar 2009 /

To give you an idea of how pathetic the NBA’s Eastern Conference is this season, The Cavs and the Celtics have both clinched playoff spots!

I know what you’re thinking: Wasn’t the All-Star Game just last weekend?

Cleveland still has 22 games left to play. They could lose all of them — a 22-game losing streak — and still make the playoffs . . .


Overheard

30 Oct 2002 /

The best thing about all the NBA players from Europe and Latin America is when they’re interviewed after the game, you can understand them.