Author Archive: Hostile Witness

Cocaine, Heroin, Ecsatsy

In case you hadn’t noticed, being alive is difficult and probably overrated. Why not take all the drugs you can? Just playing devil’s advocate here . . . Read more →

One Thing I Can’t Tolerate is Intolerance: Margaret Court Edition

Margaret Court is being vilified and stigmatized this week — “racist,” “homophobe,” ‘blood on her hands,” name should be taken off the Australian Open arena, etc. — because she opposes gay marriage and homosexuality in general. If you want to position yourself as a champion of inclusion, diversity, respect, tolerance, you’ve got to extend those things to other people as… Read more →

Homophobic Slurs

Ducks captain Ryan Getzlaf fined $10,000 for using homophobic slur against a ref in Game 4 — SBNation.com I thought he must have called the ref a faggot. That’s the one that usually gets you in trouble. Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 a few years ago for calling a ref a faggot, but $10,000 is the maximum allowable fine under… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

People who ask for sample cups at the yogurt shop. A couple of possible explanations: You’re trying to eat a bunch of yogurt without paying for it. You’re an idiot and you’re genuinely puzzled by the mysterious flavor names like “Strawberry.” You need a sample cup to figure out what the Strawberry yogurt tastes like? It tastes like strawberry. You… Read more →

One Thing I Think We Can All Agree Upon

Thank God Almighty this woman is not going to be the next president of the United States. Even if you don’t like Trump, even if you don’t believe in God, thank God Almighty this woman is not going to be the next president of the United States. Read more →

Madonna Pledges Oral Sex for Clinton Voters

Madonna Offers Oral Sex to Anyone Who Votes for Hillary Clinton — Maxim How old is Madonna? Will she have her teeth in at the time? Could I have her gargle a mouthful of Efferdent? That would be different, like fucking a bottle of club soda . . . Read more →

What is Life Telling Me Right Now?

“You married a crazy person, you got old, there are women out there hooking up with everybody and you missed it, you dumb fucker . . .” Read more →

You’re Funny

Yeah, I’m fucking hilarious . . . I’m not good at life, I’m completely alone in the world, but I’m pretty snappy with the jokes . . . Read more →

Olympics Update

I think the Chinese have an unfair advantage in the synchronized diving because they all look exactly alike. 😮 Read more →

On-Again, Off-Again Respect for Grieving Parents

Hey, remember when the first night of the Republican convention featured Patricia Smith, mother of Sean Smith, one of the Americans slain in Benghazi? Remember how her speech was called a “cynical exploitation of grief”? Or the “unabashed exploitation of private people’s grief” or “the weaponization of grief”? Remember how she “ruined the evening”? How it was,  “a spectacle so… Read more →

What I’d Say to Jesse Williams’ Parents

You must be very proud of your son’s speech at the BET Awards. I’ve tried to teach my son the same things: whine, complain, make excuses, blame your own shortcomings on others, and gratuitously insult people based on their skin color. Read more →

Why Gun Control Can’t Be Solved

On average, Democrats use guns for shooting the innocent. We call that crime. On average, Republicans use guns for sporting purposes and self-defense. . . . So it seems to me that gun control can’t be solved because Democrats are using guns to kill each other – and want it to stop – whereas Republicans are using guns to defend… Read more →

Why is it Okay to Hate the Rich But Not the Poor?

There is a feeling outside Silicon Valley that those inside the tech business are living in a tone-deaf bubble of arrogance. . . . Here is the evidence that Silicon Valley is living in a bubble of its own arrogance. Startup founders feel entitled to hate the poor. — Business Insider The author seems to be based in the UK,… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

New poll finds 9 in 10 Native Americans aren’t offended by Redskins name — The Washington Post Man, am I sick of people who get offended on behalf of a group they don’t belong to, projecting their own phony outrage on the group members and their own biases on non-group members. In light of the poll results, non-Native American opponents… Read more →

Why Don’t Asians Care About the Oscars?

From the Washington Post: Very white Oscar nominations leave Academy president ‘heartbroken and frustrated’ From the Los Angeles Times: Oscars 2016: It’s time for Hollywood to stop defining great drama as white men battling adversity From the Wall Street Journal: Black Actors and Directors Shut Out of 2016 Oscar Race Why don’t Asians seem to care about the Oscar whiteness… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

People who advise you to “embrace failure.” Probably good advice, but if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it ten thousand times. We get it: Embrace Failure. Let’s move on already. Extra demerits: You have opinions on other completely played-out topics like management vs. leadership and how to optimize your LinkedIn profile. People who say “Can I put you on… Read more →

The Perfect Murder, Revisited

I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. It’s simple, clean. no need to dispose of evidence, and reasonable doubt is almost assured. It’s not totally foolproof however. Let’s look at where the defendant in this case went wrong: Harold Henthorn scouted the remote area… Read more →

Lose the Pastels and the Mopey Attitude

Americans love gay people. Since this photo has been posted, it has 60,000 shares, 60,000 comments (including presidential candidates) and 640,000 (that’s six hundred and forty thousand) likes. In the short time since the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling there’s been a national competition to see who can demonstrate the most elation about it. (OK, if you’re gay, a few… Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

People who post love letters to their spouse on Facebook: I’m a fairly smart guy. I’ve done smart things and dumb things. But by far, the smartest thing I ever did was 32 years ago today: I married [wife’s name]. I knew she was beautiful, smart, fun, and kind. And pregnant. You left out “pregnant.” And that she has a… Read more →

Don’t Go Upstairs

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — When Bridget Winch went to parties at Kappa Delta Rho, she observed one rule: Never go upstairs. — At Penn State, one woman’s rule at fraternity parties: Don’t go upstairs – The Washington Post That merits a feature article in the Washington Post? She’s the only woman who’s figured that out? If I had a daughter,… Read more →

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