There was a profile of Jerry Buss, the owner of the Lakers, on TV the other night . . . Buss spent very little time with his family when his kids were growing up. When he and his wife separated, they didn’t tell the kids, and it was five years before any of them noticed the difference. True story! Clearly, I have not been nearly as ruthless as I could have been at disregarding my family in my pursuit of success. Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Marriage
She Said, He Said
“Don’t fart when I’m talking!” “Don’t start talking when I’m about to fart!” Read more →
Issue of the Day
People my age or a little younger may remember some years ago, when the issue of burning the American flag suddenly became the most important issue in the country. People were so riled up about it that a constitutional amendment was proposed to make flag burning illegal. Read more →
Love and Marriage
Love and marriage Go together like a horse and carriage. Ha Ha Ha! What a joke! To young people, gay people, young gay people, I would say this: Don’t confuse “I love you” with “I want to marry you.” Read more →
The Sanctity of Marriage
Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Today’s decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court violates this important principle. — President Bush, on the Massachusetts Supreme Court’s decision that the state’s constitution guarantees same-sex couples a right to marry. Here’s what’s really undermining the sacredness of modern marriage: soap operas, wedding planning, longer work days, cuter secretaries, fights over money, reality TV, low-rise pants, mothers-in-law, boredom, Victoria’s Secret catalogs, going to bed mad, the billable hour, that stubborn 7 pounds, the Wiggles, Internet chat rooms, and selfishness. In fact we should start amending the Constitution to deal with the Wiggles immediately.” — Dahlia Lithwick, “Holy Matrimony” Read more →
Men Are From Mars, Chickens Are From KFC
A man and a 10-year-old boy bring home the evening meal: 12 pieces of KFC for $9.99. “Get some plates,” his wife says. “We don’t need plates,” the man replies. “We’re men!” the boy explains. Wife: “You’re going to make a mess.” Man: “Of course we’re going to make a mess” Boy: “We’re men!” Read more →
I Don’t Care About Your Car
I don’t care what kind of car you drive, what kind of a deal you got on it, the gas mileage, how fast it goes . . . Here’s why: Read more →
A Tale of Two Dinners
I took my son out for dinner tonight. We went to Hof’s Hut, his choice. I’ve been to Hof’s Hut twice in my life. The other time was the first real date I ever had with a girl. I took her to Hof’s Hut and a movie, where she fell asleep. That seems like just last week, and yet this week I find myself married with a 10-year-old son, who orders off the grownup menu for the very first time . . . Read more →
Burning Down the House
I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and I threw them out the window in disgust. How, then, could I have a furnished house? I would rather sit in the open air, for no dust gathers on the grass, unless where man has broken ground. — Henry David Thoreau, Walden We’ve got a number of uncontrolled fires burning in Southern California. It’s raining ash out of a darkened sky in Orange County, where I live, although we’re nowhere near the actual fires. Read more →
I Hate to Look at Wedding Photos
For several years after I got married, I kept a wedding picture on my desk at work — not one of the “professional” photos, but a candid picture of my wife and me, taken by one of the guests. Read more →
A Perfect Murder
DURHAM, N.C. — A jury convicted novelist Michael Peterson Friday of bludgeoning his wife of five years in the stairwell of their Durham mansion. — CourtTV.com, “Novelist convicted of first-degree murder in wife’s staircase death” Peterson says his wife fell down the stairs. Coincidentally, another female friend of Peterson’s was found dead at the bottom of a staicase in 1985 . . . Read more →
If You Can’t Stand the Heat
LOS ANGELES — Murderess Vidilia Spragin, who is dying of cancer and won “compassionate release” after 20 years in prison, wants to be buried in a plot alongside the husband she killed in 1982. She was convicted of setting Mr. Spragin on fire. Read more →
Who Moved My Cheese?
There are all these tests of my limited agility and intelligence. They go on and on. — Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Slapstick My wife helps me maintain my mental acuity by, whenever I set something down, picking it up and moving it somewhere else. This is supposedly for the sake of neatness, even though her stuff is all over the damn place, but the result is that my life feels like a non-stop Where’s Waldo? puzzle. Read more →
How Was Your Weekend?
Good? Great? Too short? My weekend — like most of my weekends — was a tug-of-war to balance the vastly different needs and wants of myself and the people I live with. Doesn’t anyone else have weekends like that? Read more →
The Latte Factor
Is $1 million really better than a good cup of coffee? Someone has trademarked the phrase “The Latte Factor,” referring to his claim that you could save the $3.50 a day you’re spending on little things like coffee, invest it, and wind up with millions of dollars. I don’t doubt that under a certain set of assumptions, that’s true — although under another set of assumptions, you could invest the money and lose it all, in which case you’ve got no lattes and no money). Read more →
Marital Discord Explained
A friend explains to me why he and his wife argue all the time: Unfortunately, Paul, a lot of married people argue like this, particularly when there’s a large discrepancy in IQ. Read more →
Another Reason I Let My Wife Handle the Grocery Shopping
IRVINE — A mentally disturbed man wielding a samurai-style sword killed two workers and slashed three other people at an Albertsons before police shot and killed him Sunday. — Orange County Register, June 30, 2003 Banzai! Read more →
Happy Valentines Day
Husband promises to break off affair with office receptionist if wife loses weight and gets breast implants. Wife schedules liposuction and breast enhancement. Husband fails to break off affair as promised. Wife runs over husband with car, killing him. Colorado mom leaves six kids, ages 6 to 14, home alone with food, a credit card and $7 in cash while she takes a two-week vacation to Italy with her boyfriend. Read more →
Ansel Adams at 100
I took my family to see the Ansel Adams exhibit at LACMA. Adams’ work has always meant a lot to me. Wife: Why are all the pictures so small? Son: What time does the NBA Slam Dunk Contest come on? Wife: Are they all in black and white? Read more →
Love and Marriage
After eight years of living together, Erik decided we should marry. I didn’t want to, but I did. During that ninth year it all fell apart. It shows. Never try to hold on to anything. — Martha Graham Read more →