I took my son to the new Landscape Confection exhibit at the Orange County Museum of Art today. I don’t know much about art, but I do have a couple rules of thumb: Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Parents
Winning Through Intimidation
My wife is a sales agent for Auto Club insurance. She’s using a little after-dinner quiet time to review the monthly Top Producers document. She’s always around the top, but because she took a two-week vacation recently, she dropped down the list this month to around number 30 — still not bad out of hundreds of agents. Our son, however, is not impressed. Read more →
No Pants
My 12-year-old son just got out of the shower and settled into his bed for a few games of Solitaire on his iPod. His mom is not happy that he didn’t bother to put any clothes on. “Wear some pants,” she says to him. “No pants!” he yells. “I’m free!” Read more →
Earthquake Preparedness
A colleague of mine had a vacation planned, visiting some friends out of state. Then a psychic told her that an earthquake would strike California during that week, so she cancelled the vacation to stay home with her family. If I really believed that an earthquake was going to hit on a certain date, I’d make sure that I was out of town. Of course, I’d hope that my child made it through okay. And my dog. As for my wife, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship that a couple tons of rubble wouldn’t fix. Read more →
Ask a 7th Grader
My son is dancing around the family room with a football in his hand, some sort of wild, extended touchdown celebration for no reason at all that I can see. “Shouldn’t you be using this time to study for your social studies test?” I suggest helpfully. Read more →
Why I Don’t Own a Hatchet or a Gun
I’m in the processing of converting all the old content here into WordPress, which among other things, lets me assign categories to each item. I filed one item, principally about a woman who ran over her husband with a car, under several categories, including Murder and Kids. My son, who’s sitting next to me on the sofa doing homework, says, “You’re posting stuff about murdering kids?!” I say, “No, it’s about murdering husbands.” “You’re posting stuff about kids murdering husbands?!” “No, it’s about wives murdering husbands, which happens a lot, unfortunately.” “It would happen around here if Mom had a hatchet or a gun.” “That’s exactly why we don’t have those things.” Read more →
My Retirement Plan is a .45
Over Thanksgiving dinner, my dad is explaining how he’s trying to count up all his assets and figure out if he’s got enough to retire. “But,” he says, “you know what’s missing from all this retirement planning? The one thing you really need to know but you don’t know?” Read more →
Are People Getting Fatter?
My wife’s car has preference settings for each driver. When I drive it, I get in, push a button, and the seat moves into position automatically — no manual effort required. “In the future, people are going to be really fat,” my son says. “People are pretty fat now,” I point out. “They’re going to be fatter because they don’t have to do anything.” “George Jetson isn’t fat.” “He’s kind of fat.” “He’s not fat.” “Maybe I’m thinking of Fred Flintstone.” “Fred Flintstone is fat, but he’s from the past — which kind of discredits your theory, if you think about it.” Read more →
Secret Griefs and Fears
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. — Francis Bacon, “Of Parents and Children” Our son turned 12 in July . . . “I almost cried today,” my wife says. “Every year, I take Casey to the pumpkin patch and I take the best photo, but when we drove by today, he didn’t want to go . . .” Read more →
The Dog Who Has Everything
Today is our dog’s second birthday, my son informs me. “Every day is a birthday for that dog,” I say. “We didn’t get him any gifts,” the boy says. Read more →
Great Orators of the 7th Grade
I can’t really hear what my son is holding forth on downstairs — just snippets about tyranny, racism, slavery, Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman, civil rights and child abuse — which means his mom must have asked him to turn off the TV and get started on homework . . . Read more →
Republicans Cause Sneezing?
My son is standing in the kitchen like he’s about to make an announcement. Suddenly . . . “Ah-CHOO!” “Geez, man,” I say, “you just sneeze like that without making any effort to lift your hand up and block it?” “Did the people in New Orleans make an effort to block Hurricane Katrina?” he asks in a loud voice. “NO! They just let it happen and blamed President Bush!” Read more →
Micromanagement
I don’t know where my 12-year-old kid learned the concept of micromanagement, but he’s launched into a speech on the topic: “This is beyond micromanagement!” he says. “This is proton-level management! No, wait, it’s negative, so it’s electron management!” This is occasioned by the fact that we’ve asked him to stop playing video games and take a shower . . . Read more →
HW Solves the Problem of Poverty in America
According to a U.S. Census report released yesterday, the nation’s poverty rate rose in 2004 for the fourth straight year. Read more →
The Jennings Boys
I’m dropping my son off at a UC Irvine sports camp. We drive past some construction workers and I heckle them through my rolled-up window so they can’t hear me. “Closest you guys ever got to a college campus, huh?” I say. “They’re probably high school dropouts like Peter Jennings. I hate to speak negatively about the recently deceased, but Peter Jennings was not that bright. He used to say that he learned something new every day, but that’s easy if you don’t know very much to begin with.” “Ken Jennings is smart,” my son chimes in. Read more →
Argumentation
My wife signed our 11-year-old boy up for a week-long class in argumentation — sort of a moot court thing, I think — at UC Irvine. The cost: $400. Read more →
Why a Jukebox?
Sometimes I get a song in my head and I have to walk around the house singing it: I love rock ‘n’ roll So put another dime in the jukebox, baby “Why a jukebox?” my kid asks. Read more →
Summer Vacation
It’s the first morning of summer vacation and my boy is on the computer loading up his iPod . . . “And what might you be doing?” he says as I walk by. “Getting ready for work,” I say. “Oh yeah . . . work.” Read more →
Critics
I’m listening to some new music on my laptop, while my kid delivers a running critique . . . “Boring,” he says. “Lame.” “If you don’t like it, go somewhere else. Move along!” “Critics don’t ‘move along,’” he says. “Critics have to criticize.” Read more →
Don’t Trade Insults With a 6th Grader on the Day Vocabulary Words Are Assigned
ME: You’re a real wise guy. HIM: You’re lamentable. Read more →