September 2008

Homework Follies

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My son just came downstairs for a visit . . . “‘What’s due tomorrow?’” he says in his Dopey Dad voice. Then back in his normal voice: “Math and Spanish. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Are they done yet?’ (Normal voice) Spanish is done. I still have a little bit of math. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Do you need me to check anything?’ (Normal voice) No.” Now he’s waiting for a reaction from me, which he’s not going to get. “I just did your job for you,” he says. “Thanks!” Read more →

Wolves

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I read this morning that gay wolves have been put on the endangered species list. Well, of course they’re endangered. They’re gay! Wait, what — gray wolves? Gray wolves are endangered? I myself am a descendant of the gray wolf. I’m very sad to hear this. I need to lie down for a while . . . — Lightning Read more →

Mommy’s Water

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Roller hockey season is starting up again . . . I don’t know why but I was thinking about one of the moms from last year’s team — she brought bottles of water to the tournaments, some filled with actual water for her kid, and some filled with vodka for herself. To the untrained eye, they looked identical. I think she may have filled the vodka bottles to a little less than capacity so she could tell them apart. More than once I heard her saying, “Not that one, honey. That’s Mommy’s water.” Read more →

The Life That is Waiting

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We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. — Joseph Campbell Read more →

Getting Behind

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Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . . He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something: “I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.” DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT? No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence. Man, that guy was creepy . . . Read more →

To Kill a Mockingbird

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I took my son to the bookstore to buy To Kill a Mockingbird for his English class. They had two paperback editions available — one with a fancy binding for $15.95 and another one for three dollars less. I pulled the cheaper one off the shelf and my son asked, “Why are we getting that one?” I said, “Because it’s three dollars less for the same book.” “I like the other cover better,” he said. “Gimme three dollars.” Read more →

Access Denied, Dork

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It’s interesting how many HTTP 4xx return codes could be used in response to a request for intimate access to a woman: 401 Unauthorized 402 Payment Required 403 Forbidden 405 Method Not Allowed 411 Length Required 413 Request Entity Too Large 417 Expectation Failed Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

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As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,      I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground,      And who never would be missed–who never would be missed! — W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado People who say “pitcher” when they mean “picture” . . . Read more →

I Think Trees are Overrated

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My son and I are watching Monday Night Football when an ad comes on in which every somber, sallow-faced environmentalist in the state is telling me to vote No on Proposition 7. I say to the boy, “You know, I don’t even know what Proposition 7 is, but if all of these sanctimonious pricks are against it, then I’m for it. GO HUMP A TREE, YOU PUSSIES!” The dog, who, unlike other members of the family, loves to hear the sound of my voice, jumps up on the sofa and starts licking my face. “That’s right, pup. Lightning says he doesn’t care about trees either, except that he likes to pee on them.” My son sighs and says, “We need trees” — very slowly, like he’s talking to an idiot. “Oh . . . well in that case, put me down as Undecided.” Read more →

Huck Finn Uses the N-Word

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My son had an assignment this weekend to write an essay on cultural values vs. personal values in Huckleberry Finn. The teacher didn’t assign the whole book, just an excerpt in which Huck has to decide whether or not to send Jim, the escaped slave, back to Miss Watson. So I read through the excerpt and sure enough, it includes multiple uses of what’s now known as “the N-word.” I asked the boy, “Did Mr. Murano discuss with you guys about Mark Twain’s use of the word ‘nigger’?” “No,” he said. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, our school is mostly Asian. Now if Mark Twain had overused the word ‘chink,’ then we’d have a problem.” Read more →

Fun with Charts

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I use charts like this one to track open project tickets, color-coded by priority. At a meeting last week, I pointed out that the number of open tickets on this particular project had peaked out at 70 and was now dropping faster than the value of my house, at which one of the attendees laughed more enthusiastically than I thought was necessary. “Why is that funny?” I asked. I mean, it was supposed to be a little funny, but not laugh-out-loud funny. “I’ve been there,” she said. Read more →

Goofus on Software

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When Gallant has a question for someone, he walks down the hall and asks it. Goofus keeps fruitless email threads going for weeks. Here’s an excerpt from the comment thread on a trouble ticket regarding a database record with an incorrect status code. comment 7563 posted by goofus on 2008-09-10 8:53 AM I did change the status code in test and this did fix the problem. However, we need to speak with JS regarding this issue as to how this will be affected in production. comment 7611 posted by me on 2008-09-12 9:15 AM Let’s get JS’s response so we can close this. comment 7621 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 9:52 AM Emailed JS regarding this issue. Waiting on a response. comment 7637 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 2:49 PM JS is out of the office until Tuesday, 9/16. comment 7773 posted by goofus on 2008-09-18 2:05 PM Sent another… Read more →

Wishing and Hoping: A Metaphor

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“Where’d you get the Wish Hope Dream Post-Its?” I ask a co-worker. “Why?” she asks. “Is that your mantra?” “No, I was thinking more along the lines of wishes, hopes and dreams being peeled away one by one until you’re left with nothing.” “That’s an optimistic way of looking at it.” “It sure is.” Read more →

We Have a New Chair

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This chair showed up in my house the other day . . . “It’s the most comfortable chair ever!” my son raves. “How much did it cost?” I ask him. “I dunno. Mom handled the paying part.” The dog seems to like it as well . . . Read more →

Never Mind

by  on Lightning
 

Video shows workers abusing pigs — MSNBC.com WHAT THAT IS OUTRAFEOUS WHO WOULSD DO SUCH A THING TO APUGS IM SO MAD I CANT EVEN TYPE Wait, what — pigs?! Well that’s not good either but on the other hand pigs are not man’s best friend and they are also delicious . . . — Lightning Read more →

No One Listens to Me

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My wife is on the warpath this morning . . . “Can you believe this?” she says to no one in particular. “I hate that printer. I’m throwing it away. It ran out of ink again! I’m trying to print something and now I have to go buy more ink!” So I say, “You print a lot of documents. Do you get rid of your car when it runs out of gas?” “Oh I can’t wait to throw away that printer,” she says, storming off . . . Read more →

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