[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — I saw a post on LinkedIn from a woman who just lost her job at Google. There are lots of layoffs happening in the US economy. Joe Biden says the American economy is “stronger than hell” but I can assure you that the economy in Hell is much stronger than the Biden economy in the US. No layoffs here, ever. The LinkedIn poster said, “I feel God’s grace in this transition and know He has greater things ahead.” I can’t help noticing that people who believe that God is going to make good things happen in their life have a lot of bad things happen in their life. Check back in when you lose a limb, honey. See you in Hell . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Satan
See You in Hell, Ime Udoka
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — I remember a few months ago many of you talking about Ime Udoka coaching in the NBA finals AND getting to go home to someone named Nia Long, whom many of you seem to find attractive. I’ll share a little secret with you: No matter how hot you think someone is, there’s someone somewhere who’s bored with her. And she’s bored with him too but at least she didn’t humiliate him in front of the entire world. See you in Hell . . . Read more →
See You in Hell: Marla Maples Edition
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — I saw recently that Marla Maples, of all people, was trending on Twitter. It turns out the reason for that is that Donald Trump’s first wife, Ivana, died, Trump said some kind words about her, and then a bunch of people with nothing better to do jumped on Twitter to remind everyone that Trump was romancing Maples while still married to Ivana. It takes a lot to shock me but a person being unfaithful to their spouse?! You could have knocked me over with a feather! I assure you that every one of these people posting about Marla Maples either a) has been unfaithful themselves, but since they’re a bunch of nobodies, it’s not headline news; or b) can’t get laid. See you in Hell . . . Read more →
See You in Hell, Convoy Haters
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — You may remember back in 2020, pre-vaccine, when you were all in your comfy lockdowns, that everyone was fine with truckers being designated as “essential workers,” so they could risk their lives and health to deliver your stupid Amazon purchases, bring food to the supermarket, deliver medicine, make sure that presents arrived by Christmas morning, but as soon as they opposed government-mandated injections, the same truckers became racists, Nazis, etc. The people you’re screaming at in Ottawa are the people who kept the world turning. You were fine letting them risk their lives before there was a vaccine. Now you want to shut down their lives because they fail to show the proper obedience or they ask too many questions. See you in Hell . . . Read more →
See You in Hell, Kaepernick
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — Here is Colin Kaepernick’s opinion on the recent Kyle Rittenhouse verdict: This only further validates the need to abolish our current system. White supremacy cannot be reformed. Abolish our current system! What a great idea! What should we replace it with — a system that only renders verdicts that Colin Kaepernick likes? I’ll say one thing for this kid Rittenhouse, he was a lot more accurate under pressure than Kaepernick was during a 3-16 streak that got him replaced as a starting NFL QB by Blaine Gabbert. Blaine Gabbert! Of course, he blames that on white supremacy as well. Of the three people Rittenhouse shot, one was pointing a gun at him, one was trying to grab the rifle out of his hands and one was clubbing him in the head with a… Read more →
See You in Hell, Henry Ruggs III
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — A (now former) Las Vegas Raiders football player named Henry Ruggs III was driving around town at over 150 mph with a blood alcohol content twice the legal limit when — 150 mph?! God damn that’s a fast car! Where was I? Oh yes — when he smashed the car into another car, killing a woman and her dog. It’s my observation that Ruggs is not getting one percent of the nationwide vilification that another former member of the Raiders organization, Jon Gruden, has gotten. Gruden didn’t kill anyone but he did write some emails 10 years ago in which he used provocative language about homosexuals and people with big lips. To paraphrase Dave Chappelle, “You can kill a woman and nobody cares but you better not hurt the feelings of a gay… Read more →
See You in Hell’s Kitchen
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Did you know that there’s a neighborhood in Manhattan called Hell’s Kitchen? I drop by randomly to say, “Bonjour douchebag, make me a waffle!” See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell, Educators
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals! Even though an alarmingly high percentage of Americans think the sun orbits the earth, can’t find the Pacific Ocean on a map, half the residents of Detroit can’t read, rather than teach basic literacy, science or geography, K-12 public school teachers in the U.S. will be teaching “expanding” gender identities and “evolving” sexual orientations. This instruction will be informed by the National Sex Ed Standards: Core Content and Skills, K-12 (Second Edition) I included a link to it because you will not believe me when I tell you what’s in it. For example: BY THE END OF THE 5TH GRADE, STUDENTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO: Distinguish between sex assigned at birth and gender identity and explain how they may or may not differ. Define and explain differences between cisgender, transgender, gender nonbinary, gender expansive,… Read more →
See You in Hell, Violent Idiots
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals! I was reading about the shootings that occurred in Atlanta last Tuesday. The author says, “Eight people were murdered. Six of them were Asian-American women. It seems impossible to feel this as anything other than anti-Asian and misogynistic violence.” Here’s a tip: Whenever someone prefaces an opinion by saying “it’s impossible to feel differently about this than the way I feel about it,” the speaker is full of shit. State your case. Hit me with some evidence. If the shooter had opened fire in a supermarket like the violent idiot in Boulder, he could have killed anyone he wanted to. Had he killed mostly Asian women, then I’d say you’ve got a good case for anti-Asian, misogynistic violence. But the guy in Atlanta shot up massage parlors. He blamed them for turning him into… Read more →
See You in Hell, John Kerry
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] John Kerry: "We only have nine years to avoid a climate catastrophe." Everyone: "Will you start by giving up your private jet and mansion in Martha's Vinyard?" John Kerry: pic.twitter.com/RxnlBvb8a3 — Daily Caller (@DailyCaller) February 19, 2021 He also has a dozen cars, a couple of yachts and about 5 other houses as well. He has the carbon footprint of a medium-size town. Maybe some personal restraint would buy the rest of you fools 10 years instead of just 9. No, actually it wouldn’t because the Paris Accords that he’s so anxious to get back into ensure that even if the one country that Kerry may actually have some control over went to zero emissions tomorrow, it doesn’t solve the global problem because the Paris Accords give China the right to keep spewing crap into the… Read more →
See You in Hell: Hot Yoga
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings everyone! We’re trying a new offering down here: Hot Yoga. Not 105 degrees hot. REALLY hot! NEXT-LEVEL hot! See you in Hell . . . Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Many are outraged that President Trump didn’t recite the Apostle’s Creed at the Bush funeral. Most of the outraged wouldn’t know the Apostle’s Creed from Apollo Creed. But they’re outraged because they were told that they should be. See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] The pope said yesterday that Satan — that’s me — “has been let loose and he’s got it in for the bishops.” My reaction is that I am proud to be thrown under the bus alongside rape victims, abused unwed mothers and financial whistleblowers for the greater “good” of the church. By the way, have you noticed that “prophet” and “profit” are homonyms? See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the infernal regions! Man arrested at New Mexico compound was allegedly training child to commit school shootings — NBC News Here’s a photo of the gentleman in question, Siraj Ibn Wahhaj: One of the few black men in America actively involved in his children’s lives. Kudos, sir! See you in Hell . . . Read more →
See You in Hell: Sarah Jeong Edition
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! Someone named Sarah Jeong was hired by a newspaper to work on their editorial board. It turns out Sarah has some pretty woke tweets. Here’s a sample: Dumbass fucking white people marking up the internet with their opinions like dogs pissing on fire hydrants. Ha ha, that’s pretty good. Who hired her to write editorials? The Sweet Briar College student paper? No, it’s the New York Times! Earlier this year, the Times hired someone named Quinn Norton, then fired her on the same day because of what it called racial and anti-gay slurs. I don’t know exactly what Quinn Norton said but I’ll bet it wasn’t as provocative as dumbass fucking white people pissing on the internet like dogs! Look, I hate white men and white people in general as much as… Read more →
See You in Hell: Fake News Edition
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the Underworld, my friends and foes! I’m reading about a hostage situation, including a fatal shooting of one of the hostages, at a Trader Joe’s in Los Angeles over the weekend. It was covered nationally and even internationally. Here’s a photo from a British news site of the suspect being taken away: I looked at the major US news sites — CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC — and about a dozen smaller sites . . . no one mentioned the race of the suspect, no one gave the suspect’s name, and no one ran a photo. I could understand a media policy where, in reporting shootings, we consider race to always be relevant, or we consider race to never be relevant, but not a policy where race is only considered relevant when the victim is… Read more →
See You in Hell: Morgan Freeman Edition
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I was looking forward to reading the “shocking” allegations against Morgan Freeman . . . it turns out he likes to look at women’s breasts! WHAAAAT?! Men like to look at breasts, women like to look at breasts . . . and he also says things like “I’d like to spend an hour with her.” Every person on earth older than 12 has said the same thing. If looking at breasts and naming a person you’d like to fuck gets you condemned to Hell, I’m not going to have enough room to put all these people. Heaven will be empty! Public life in America is now dominated by whatever actresses are currently complaining about. See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] A woman was sucked out the window of a Southwest Airlines plane . . . not a black woman, fortunately, so Southwest won’t have to shut down for racial bias training. In other news, David Hogg is telling his Twitter followers to boycott the BlackRock and Vanguard investment firms. “David Hogg’s Twitter followers” . . . might be a good name for an improv group. See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell . . . if There Is a Hell
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] John Lennon lyrics are now Catholic doctrine! See you in Hell! Read more →
See You in Hell: Rifles Have an Undeservedly Bad Reputation
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the Lake of Fire! I was perusing the FBI data on murder weapons in the U.S. For 2016, what do you think was the most frequently employed murder weapon? Survey SAYS — handguns! The weapon of choice in 7,105 murders. I blame the NRA! Ha ha, just messing with you there. The NRA has nothing to do with the existence of evil in the world. That’s my department. That handgun number is actually a little low, because the FBI also reports more than 3,000 gun murders where the type of firearm is not specified — and it’s almost always a handgun. Running a distant second behind guns: knives, used to end the life of 1,604 Americans in 2016. Now here’s a surprising one: 656 people killed by “personal weapons,” which essentially means beating someone… Read more →